Road Rules X-treme, Episode 3: Call Hugh Hefner!

On the last episode of Road Rules, the Roadies had to jump off of a very tall waterfall, which made for a very boring half-hour. Even worse was the tired gay versus homophobe standoff that we've seen on so many different shows, both reality and scripted. Hi, Puck and Pedro! Hi Daniel and T.J.! (What's next, bed-hopping? How subversive can you get??) Thankfully this plotline appears to have wrapped up quickly, as by the end of the episode, Danny and Derrick were holding hands and picking flowers.

This week opens with Patrick telling the gang how much his girlfriend means to him. They've been through "a lot," he says, as the camera rests on an image of Patrick and his girlfriend together. Oh no, not the photo of smiling, happy coupledom - that always spells doom! Patrick is trying to be faithful and give her what she deserves, "because that's what she gives to me."

Patrick then brings up Jodi. Uh-oh. He thinks she's an "awesome girl," and "we're actually a lot alike in a lot of ways." Oh dear, I see where this is headed. A bat could see where this is headed.

Inside the R.V., the Roadies get their third clue, which tells them to reach the site at ten AM the next morning. I half expect them to start screaming again about how early that is, but maybe they've learned their lesson after their near-disaster at the club. If so, it's probably the first and only time.

The Roadies attempt to predict what EXTREME physical challenge awaits them, based on the riddle, "What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs hanging on a wall?" One thinks it will be "hangman," while another thinks "rock climbing." Something tells me the gods of Evil Twists have something else in store.

Then, for whatever reason, Patrick and Derrick go outside and have a wrestling match in the dirt. Wonder if Patrick's girlfriend would be jealous. That would be funny - the big fake-out is that instead of Patrick falling for Jodi, he falls for Reformed Homophobe Derrick! But alas, the Road Rules people tend to be more by the book.

Bristling with testosterone, Derrick runs into the washroom area and lifts up Kina. Big mistake - he stumbles backward and falls over. I'd make a joke about weight here, but something tells me that even Darrah from Survivor could outweigh Kina. Derrick confesses that he felt pressure in a knee he had injured, and he's not sure it will heal up in time for the mission. Derrick's macho-man strut is quickly replaced by little girl tears.

The next morning, the R.V. heads to Santiago, while Derrick sits feebly with a bag of ice on his knee. Unlike the earlier locations, Santiago is an actual city, and the Roadies meet their Mission Managers in front of a large store window. They are quickly told that their next mission is to stand in the store window and become "living art." A renowned painter will use the Roadies' completely nude bodies as a canvas. The Roadies are quickly panic-stricken, though I don't see why - they seem to have no problem stripping in front of millions of TV viewers. (Millions? More like thousands. Nah, get real… hundreds.) Only Danny looks in any way excited. Kina is shocked, shocked I tell you!, while Ibis wants to run away. I don't really understand their reactions. While I'll confess a certain modesty of my own, if I were faced with the choice between this and bungee jumping over a volcano, it'd be "pass the paint" for me. It's not as though they would meet any of the passers-by in another setting (whereas their weekly humiliations could be replayed over and over on a viewer's TiVO). Still, this ties in with my theory that these challenges get less challenging as the weeks go on.

To the Roadies' horror, not only will they be nude, but they'll have to shave off all of their body hair. The girls finger themselves, and I'm thinking, what body hair could you… oh. Well, at least it will be easier to find now. Anyway, the Roadies have to stand motionless in the window for an hour, and if they make any significant movements, an additional 15 minutes will be tacked on. If one of them refuses to participate at all? An additional hour will be tacked on to the rest. So they could still complete the mission even without all their teammates participating? That would be a first. Derrick complains again about his knee.