Who Wants to Marry My Dad 2, Episode 3: Marty, Get Your Gun!

It's a shame you didn't see this episode of Who Wants To Marry My Dad. Marty completely looses his grip on reality and goes ballistic. He takes his sawed-off shotgun, and shoots up the rented mansion, all the while screaming, "Don't tempt me with things my Frito-Lay delivery job won't buy me!" Then he seizes the nearest fax machine (he doesn't have to go far to find one) and hurls it at his interchangeable, dishwasher-safe daughters.

"I don't care if you are Brooke, Jennifer, or Nicole," Marty rants, sweat pouring down his face, "I swear you'll pay for making us all into national laughing stocks!" The girls run screaming into the night, and the remaining seven women contestants cower under their beds, wondering how their darling Marty could change so swiftly. Did some sweet young Nash Entertainment intern forget to pick up his meds at the pharmacy?

Suddenly, like the cavalry charging over the hill, Pete the Lie Detector Guy barges in, ammo strapped to his bulging bare chest, ala "Rambo." There's a huge gunfight between the men, with the lovely, overstuffed furniture getting the worst of it.

It's all terribly nerve-wracking, but finally Marty runs out of fax machines to throw. Pete wrestles him to the ground and knocks him out with that annoying "The Oklands" sign.

Okay, fine… this isn't exactly what happened. But, good God, what do I have to do to get your attention around here? Oh, no, don't try to humor me; it's too late for that. And this week won't be any better as our little column will get overlooked once more, lost among the 17 different analyses of The Last Big Brother's Amazingly Simple Standing Race. Take pity on us here in Marry My Dad recap land. We're just an intimate little reality show; one that humbly asks "How far would you go to sell your soul for 15 minutes of fame on nationwide TV?"

Pardon me, let me rephrase the question. It's: "how far would you go to find true love?" Same difference. You can see how easy it is to confuse the two.

All right, let's start again. It's Thursday morning at 9:00 AM of some anonymous week. Everyone - contestants, daughters, and Marty - is gathered around the breakfast table. Things look nice and calm. Which means someone or something is about to spoil it.

"Let's go skeet shooting!" suggests, or rather, commands Marty. "Oh, those poor skeets," Mr. S says sympathetically. "They just don't stand a chance."

Surprise, surprise: it turns out that skeet shooting is Marty's hobby. (I almost typed "skee ball" instead. Wouldn't that have been fun? Oh well. Maybe for Marry My Dad 3: Fear and Loathing on the Jersey Shore)

Out in what we assume is the nearest Skeet Shooting Field, contestants Nicole and Tammy get a couple of practice shots. They shout "pull!" and a red disc (the skeet) is launched into the air. They attempt to shoot it down. They have little or no luck. Tammy says of the gun's impact: "it's gonna pop out my implants!" I immediately award Tammy ten points for candor.

All the women get a chance to practice, except for Marilyn, who has somehow hurt her shoulder and is unable to fire the gun. I suppose if the gun is powerful enough to pop out fake breasts, it's not the best thing for a sore shoulder, so I give Marilyn a pass.

Out in the field, a lovable brown dog retrieves the last skeet shot down. The disc actually has a message written on it: All the women must shoot down a skeet, or a bad fact will be revealed. Or rather, retrieved by the lovable and well-trained dog, and then revealed.

Let's just skip the "do they or don't they" crap, and 'fess up that no one shoots down a skeet. Here are the bad facts in the order we learn them:

Nicole: she once spent the night outside her boyfriend's house to see if he was cheating on her. Did she really? "Yes," Nicole admits, "for a couple of hours, not the whole night."

Melanie: she doesn't cook, and has nothing in her fridge except ketchup, which she eats by the bowlful. Really? "I love ketchup, but I eat it by the spoonful, not the bowlful."

Suzanne: put up a fence to stop her nosey neighbors from watching her use her hot tub au naturale. Really? "Yes. I also moved my tub closer to the house." Sounds logical. [Assistant Editor's Note: This is supposed to be BAD?]

Sharon: has been engaged twice, never followed through. Really? "Yes. I never got over my last boyfriend." Would you marry him now? "He's already married." But what if he wasn't? Sharon doesn't respond one way or the other. Could she still be in love with him?

Tammy: refuses to change her last name if she gets married. For some reason, the Okland daughters are shocked beyond reason at this. Tammy tries to explain to the girls that marriage shouldn't require a change of identity, but the daughters aren't buying it. To add insult to injury, Nicole, Jennifer, and Brooke claim Tammy was "defensive" in her arguments, which was certainly not the case. Evidently, the girls have morphed into Stepford Daughters while we weren't looking. Shame on us for not paying closer attention.

Mr. S watches incredulously and says, "Who knew the benefits of marriage included automatic naming rights?"

Stacey: was divorced three times. "Yes. But I remarried my ex, so I was divorced twice from the same man." Mr. S says this does not make things any better. Personally, I'm torn. Getting into the numbers game when talking about divorce, marriage, engagements, etc. can be misleading.

As for Marilyn, Marty takes her shot for her, due to the injury. He makes the shot. A good fact is revealed: Marilyn volunteers for the "Make A Wish" foundation. Everybody, on cue: one, two, three… awwwww!

After the commercial break, we find ourselves back at the Rent-A-Mansion, with everyone enjoying lunch. The doorbell rings. Mr. S comments, "it must be time for a member of the Satin family to deliver something." At the door is the lovable and talented brown dog from the skeet field. He chased their van home, and he has one last skeet to deliver. It bears instructions for the daughters: they now must eliminate a woman from the house.

The girls and Marty have a talk… does he have any preference on who should go? Marty tells them that he and Tammy, that woman with all the crazy ideas of keeping her own identity, just aren't clicking. The girls respond by asking him about Sharon. (Brooke, Jennifer and Nicole are still determined to get Sharon after last week's almost-elimination.) Marty doesn't give an indication one way or the other.