Joe Schmo 2, Episode 4: Secrets and Lies

With camera cuts and pounding drums, we pop right back to the ceremony and Ingrid is awarded the peal necklace. Austin, saying that he talked to some of the other girls who told him Ambrosia is a bitch, gives her back the tiara that she presented him as a welcome gift. She is about to start in on a rant when Derek commits another of his "blunders," calling her Omarosa! Of course this really sets her off and she starts shouting that the show is a joke. Derek jumps in and starts listing all different "clues" that Ingrid has been catching including Austin's "chiseled countenance," asking the group, "How could a man this good looking not be an actor?" He points out his own "obviously dyed hair" and accent and then removes his "devilishly uncomfortable" front teeth. Ingrid seems hesitant and who could blame her. What's going on?

Finally, Derek melts into Ralph and the entire group breathes a collective sigh or relief as he explains to Ingrid how hard it has been to fool her. The rest of the cast (minus Tim, of course) has gathered and Ralph explains the entire setup. But then he throws down the gauntlet, as it were! Is Ingrid interested in joining the cast and continuing in the game? He sweetens the pot, telling her that if she can manage to hang in there, in character, until the end, she will win $100,000. It's her choice, she can leave right now or stay. He puts in Derek's teeth again, and holding out a script asks, "Ingrid, will you accept this script?" Ingrid seems to consider the possibilities for a moment before agreeing to this bizarre arrangement. Certainly she feels better now, saying that she thought she was going crazy! Ingrid (Schmo Turned Actress) tells Cammy that she never believed her "Porked and Beans" story, to which Cammy replies that she really isn't all that dumb (oh really) but, "I do have huge boobs."

So we are down one Schmo, as Ingrid joins the cast the next morning for her first production meeting. Some of the cast members wonder if she will be able to cut it when it is hard enough for a trained actor to do be "on" all the time. But Ingrid seems to be enjoying her new role and fits right in with the rest of this motley crew.

Back to the action and it is yet another "Falcon Twist." Montecore flies in (without crashing into anyone) with the latest message from afar (or above or wherever they come from). An "additional suitor" will be joining the group. Piper and Austin are charged with choosing between one of two doors and whoever is behind the door will join the game. Austin defers to Piper, and Amanda ("Thank God she Thinks it's all Real - Hopefully She Won't Figure it Out!") steps out as our replacement "Jane Schmo." She remembers Ingrid from the casting call and the two of them seem to form an alliance, giggling like school girls.

With our cast revitalized, it's game time. Derek explains that the original "Last Chance for Love," which he hosted, was done in England where the games had a more British flare. But such fun events as "Tally Ho Ho Ho" and "Who's in the Loo?" couldn't come close to the merriment of Derek's personal favorite, "Bangers and Mash." The cast is standing in a row, wearing their red game robes. In front of each person is a hot dog bun. Derek is standing next to a metal tub. He introduces Tiffany, who unwraps herself from a British flag to reveal her lovely bikini-wearing self! She gets into the tub and Derek asks the burning question.

"Now I know that you must be thinking, 'Why do I have an empty hot dog bun in front of me and why are they pouring mashed potatoes on Tiffany?'" In this event, hot dogs, or "bangers" as they are called in the U.K., will be shoved into the mashed potatoes and our suitors will dive in and, using only their mouths, retrieve a hot dog and put it into someone else's bun. The person whose bun stays empty the longest, wins a weekend at a spa in Utah and some private time with either Piper or Austin. (Here's where it gets tricky for me. With both male and female suitors, should two people win? Don't mind me, trying to make sense of the senseless!)