The Surreal Life 3, Episode 4: Come Cuchi! Cuchi! With Me

Hey there! Glad to see you all again. Tonight's show promises chills, thrills, spills... okay, maybe not chills or thrills. Okay, no one even trips, but it should be a good time. Y'all ready? Let's go! First off is always the obligatory reality show recap of last week’s episode, Battle of the Bands, ten-year old musicians, Flake and his group win the competition and "kill the accordion" (my subtitle choice for last episode). Flake hits on Gitte. All up to speed?

Morning at the Surreal house. Dave is playing with the dog, Cuchi/Boogie/Fatso. Jordy is working out on a Bowflex. Flake and Gitte are talking in the phone room about Flake's criminal history. Flake is telling her that, "Once you get out of jail, that's your life back." Gitte assumes he was in there for drugs or worse. "Oh, my God. Are you a killer?" While murder seems to be a stretch for the all-lovin' Flake, I can see where she might have thought that he got pinched for wacky tobacky or something like that. But no. Seems our Flake has a driving problem; driving without a license. Flake tells Gitte that he had "a bunch a bunch a bunch a bunch a bunch a bunch a bunch a bunch a bunch of tickets, though, for years and years, they added up to where I had, like, over 67 driving with suspended license." VH1 shows a mocked-up Flake license, which immediately bursts into flames. Nice.

I was intrigued by Flake's assertion that he was never arrested for inhaling anything, so I searched a number of legal websites. No info. I actually found a version of Flake's story on a hip-hop website. According to daveyd.com, Flake faced jail time for unpaid parking tickets. Flake's driving license was, no doubt, suspended for the tickets, but he was facing a four-year prison sentence. Davey D seems to think that no one goes to jail for that long for driving under suspension, but that's far more dangerous an activity than not paying to park. More than likely, the length of the sentence he faced was for repeatedly driving with the license suspended, as Flake said. In any event, the judge reduced the four-year sentence to one year with credit for time served, for a total of eight months. My thanks for Davey D for providing the details to answer this most pressing legal issue!

Back to the show! Gitte believes that Flake's legal problems must stem not from any deviant or criminal behavior, but from people's misperceptions. "I think every now and then Flavor [sic] is misunderstood because of his looks and his teeth and his rings, and he's actually a very deep kind of person and I like him a lot." I remember when his looks and his teeth and his rings revolted ole Gitte. Ah, the power of love!

The paper has arrived! The Surreal Times lets us know that Charo is making an appearance in San Diego. "Come Cuchi! Cuchi! with me! Charo invites the cast to a performance in San Diego." It seems as though it is news to Charo - the performance, the invite, the whole shebang. Charo reads to the cast, "Jarras, Rincon, San Diego, is pleased to announce that worle-renoing, that worle-renoing entertainer Charo...what the f--k they mean when they say worle-renoing?" Ryan translates for all of us - "world renowned." Char still doesn't understand. "I thought it was an insult," she says. Dave recaps for us what Charo's just read. I think the show must cater to a large, short-term memory loss population. The only new info is that the cast will be driving to San Diego. Throughout, Gitte looks bored and rests her head on Jordy's shoulder.

Charo's not bored, though. She's freakin'! She screams in excitement when she finds out it's an overnight gig. Doesn't she have an agent? How could no one have told her about this? While she hurries about, Dave tells the group that at 11:00 a.m., they have to figure out who's going to drive. Dave tells us San Diego's a long drive and that, right away, Flake wanted to drive. Flake asks if they can take turns. VH1 plays some kind of Psycho-horror movie music at his suggestion. Gitte mouths, "Oh, my God." Then she, and we, flashback to the morning's talk in the phone room about Flake's driving record. VH1 supplies the sound of a car screeching and crashing. Nice touch.