Real World/Road Rules Battle of the Sexes 2, Episodes 1-2: Follow the Leaders

Before we start officially forgetting the abysmal season that was The Inferno, I just want to thank you guys for reading my stuff. This is my fourth season; if I had a life, maybe I wouldn’t be doing this. Then again, making you guys happy after watching the Challenge makes me happy as well. Keep sending those e-mails.

We start with an Old West vibe, complete with rattlesnake noises. The guys are on a bus. Cut to a close-up of a man’s sandaled foot, tapping in anticipation. The girls are on another bus. Jonny Moseley, gold medallist and guy who really needs a career change, magically materializes. The buses arrive, and everybody piles out. Jonny welcomes everybody to the Vista Clara Resort & Spa in Santa Fe. Battle of the Sexes 2 is officially on.

Credits. This years theme is “Come Out Fighting” by The Vandals. The bad news: no ultra-cheesy opening sequence. It’s just eighteen pairs in front of a blue screen. There is cuteness, like Cynthia swiping Jacquese’s glasses, and Coral attempt to give Dan a noogie, but the lack of a third dimension bugs. If you want to try and figure out patterns, here are the pairs: Rachel/Nick, Adam/Ruthie, Frank/Kina, Ace/Arissa, Derrick/Katie, Jacquese/Cynthia, Veronica/Brad, Mike/Robin, Shawn/Ayanna, Mark/Tina, Sophia/Randy, Angela/Abram, Aneesa/Steven, Chris/Tonya, Coral/Dan, Cameran/Eric, Ibis/Theo, and Genesis/Shane. Take another look .... Coral and Mike aren’t together. End of an era, folks.

Back to the action: Jonny introduces himself. Coral’s wearing one of Mike’s “Miz” shirts, while Tonya’s top says “Boy Beater.” Make your own jokes. Jonny tells the kids that they’ll be competing every day foe $180,000 in prize money. The field will be narrowed down from 36 players to six. “I would do anything for this money,” Tina interviews. “I will stab a chick in the back if need be!” Good to know, Tina.

Jonny lays out the rules: once the teams find out what the mission is about, they appoint three team leaders who would be responsible for strategy. The leaders of the winning team decide who to send home. The losing team convenes to boot out one of the leaders. Coral cackles at the news. Rachel interviews that people are never safe in this game. Jonny dismisses the group, telling them to get ready for the first day.

As loyal viewers would expect, there’s a lot of awe as the players check into the lodges. Randy loves the ranch setting. Abram rides around on a bike inside. Dude, Dave Mirra was so last season. Eric lays claim to the “old guys room.” Jacquese interviews that it’s time for the new boys to step up.

At the main lounge, Cameran says hi to Coral, who doesn’t know who she is. Cameran interviews that she thought people would be friendlier. She voices her concerns to Robin, who interviews about not feeling the need to prove herself to anybody. Katie high-fives Kina. “I came back to do this Challenge,” Katie interviews, “because I won the last one, and it avoids getting a real job.” At least she’s honest. Veronica interviews that she and Katie don’t actively hate each other. Damn… so much for looking forward to their seasonal fight. It would’ve been tough for Katie to top her tantrum from last season.

Derrick starts yelling, clearly happy about his new surroundings. He interviews that being a new guy is a demerit since the veterans are in their cliques. The guys sort out their beds. Nick: “Can I sleep on top of you, Shane?” It’s the first day, Nick! Take it easy! Ace interviews that he’ll be going all-out this time. “If there’s going to be a safety cord,” he adds, “I’m like, ‘No safety cord!’” Can you say “overcompensation?” Guy gets ripped after he couldn’t handle a few dozen bugs to his face, and suddenly he’s Evel Knievel. Mark expositions that there’s a 200-yard dirt path between the boys and girls’ lodge. Theo contemplates getting naked in the pool.

At the girls’ lodge, Aneesa sings a happy tune about the number of lesbians on her team. “With girls, it gets a little catty, it gets a little petty,” she interviews. “I’m hoping it’s not going to happen.” Cynthia interviews that she’s a mother to a two-year-old son. To her credit, she didn’t bring the kid over with her. That only works if you’re Dutch and insane, like Belou. Kina interviews about moving into her first apartment and looking for a job.