Wickedly Perfect: One Bad Apple

Joan Lunden tells us that 12 of "the most wickedly creative, talented, perfect people" are heading to New England to compete to become "America's next great style-maker." Tens of thousands of people applied, and these 12 have made it. Judging them will be David Evangelista, Candace Bushnell, and Bobby Flay. We see a few scenes from the show, but they don't mean anything to me, since we haven't seen anything yet. Apparently, there's going to be some backstabbing and distrust. It's like Survivor: Really Honking Big House. All of Joan's lines sound like voiceovers, kind of like all of Donald Trump's boardroom dialogue on this season of The Apprentice. It's kind of distracting.

The credits are all flowery and calligraphy-ish and look like Martha Stewart herself designed them. The music is pretty, but it seems like it has a devious undertone. Does that make any sense?

First we meet Margo (you can read the preview article to learn who all of these people are). She wants to do something "wonderful and fantastic." Heather says that some people think she's too successful and that makes them mad. Dawn's friends think she's a "domestic superstar." Darlene has enjoyed her job, but she wants to show women that they can throw parties and entertain people. Because apparently some of us didn't know that.

Denise wants to do something other than be a homemaker. Amy thinks people will connect with her. She wears pink and smiles a lot. Oh, dear. Tom wants to shake up stereotypes, since he's not a woman. Tim is excited by competition. Mychael has competed in cooking contests and loves doing that. Mitch claims that he can do pretty much everything. Kimberly wants to "bring back the art of homekeeping." Somewhere, Gloria Steinem is crying. Michelle says her business is at stake in this competition.

Joan Lunden welcomes the contestants and tells them about the prizes they might win. The contestants have been divided into teams, because it's not a reality show without teams. Team one has Tim, Heather, Denise, Mychael, Amy, and Mitch. Team two has Darlene, Michelle, Kimberly, Margo, Dawn, and Tom. Each week, there will be team challenges, as well as individual projects. From the losing team, the judges will determine which two individual projects were the weakest, and those contestants will be put on the chopping block. The other teammates will vote off one person.

The first challenge is apple-picking. The teams have 30 minutes to pick as many apples as possible. The teams set off, grabbing tablecloths to carry them. Mitch and Mychael start talking about cooking and Mychael says that she can cook with any kind of apple. Joan tells us that the teams don't realize that they'll have to use all of the apples they pick. The teams finish up and look pretty tired from running back and forth with tablecloths full of apples.

That evening, the contestants gather at a ten-acre estate in Connecticut. Joan calls it their playground. On the property is a carriage house, which will be their design center. The main house is 20,000 square feet. Each team will have its own wing in the house, and everyone will share rooms. Everyone exclaims over the house, like it's the first 20 minutes of a new season of The Real World. Mitch randomly interviews that people might view him as bossy. Okay, then.

Day 2 finds us with Joan greeting the contestants in the kitchen of the estate. She expositions that the teams have named themselves - team one is the Crafty Beavers and team two is Team Artisan. Aww, come on, no one named a team after a battleship? Joan announces that the teams picked about 3,000 apples each, and now they have to create both edible and non-edible products, using all of the apples. If they don't, the judges can hold that against them.

The individual project will be the designing of something that shows off each person's skills. They'll be judged on creativity, ingenuity, presentation, quality, and overall style. Each team gets 24 hours and $1,500, which goes towards both the team and individual projects. The teams head off to get cooking.

Mitch has spearheaded his team, which doesn't please Tim. Mychael is put in charge of the food; she's talking about apple sausage and stuffing. Tom wants to make an armoire with apple designs. Dawn says that Tom has stepped up as a leader, and he seems to be doing a good job. Tom calls the seamstress contestants "fabric queens." Darlene says that Tom has a strong personality and thinks that he doesn't want the women to stand up to him.

Mitch and Tim work on a construction project, but Mitch doesn't seem to think that Tim is very good. "If he's a finished carpenter, I'm the Pope," he says. Darlene reminds us that someone from her team could go home. Tom thinks that Darlene is too focused on her individual project when she should be worrying about the team project. Darlene takes something up to her room for some reason.