The Surreal Life 4, Episode 3: Attack of the Model Meat Eater

It's morning at The Surreal Life house, and Jane is up at 7 a.m. She decides that since everyone else always sleeps late, she is going to wake them up. Nobody seems all that happy about it, but The Surreal Life Times arrives shortly after everyone is in the kitchen.

Joanie, a.k.a. Chyna, gets the paper and calls everyone to the living room with what seems like a karaoke microphone. Everyone gathers in the living room and she reads that they are headed to a horse ranch, making Verne nervous from the get-go. Turns out the gang has to be ready in 15 minutes, and everyone scurries off to pack.

Jane can't get dressed normally, and has to wear a cop uniform. Where she got one, I have no clue. Adrianne loves Jane's outfit though, and says that she and Jane must have been best friends in a past life, since Jane dresses and acts the way Adrianne wants to. Adrianne even tells the camera that "Jane is everything I want to be." Aww, a role-model… get it, a role MODEL? Ahh, never mind!

So everyone is all packed and the van arrives to take them to the ranch. When they get there, they find a bunch of cowboys in tight pants. At least that's what Adrianne says. Chyna is happy for the men, but can't figure out how to whistle with her fingers in her mouth. That's all right, I can't do it either. The ranch guy tells the gang that they will be cleaning and working with horses, and once again, Verne doesn't look thrilled about this. Everyone is even given cowboy gear, but Verne won't wear any of it -- well, except the hat. Jane tells the camera that they had stuff in Verne's size, he just didn't want to participate. It had nothing to do with physical restrictions. Side note: Since when did Peter Brady get all jacked up? Someone must be doing "8 Minute Abs!"

The first thing the group has to do is carry several bails of hay. Adrianne notes that most of them weigh more than she does. Chyna has no problem lifting the hay, but says that she is not an outdoorsy person, as she comments that she broke a nail. After they move the hay bails around, everyone gets on their horses. Da Brat seems confused when they tell her to move the horse by kicking it a little. Verne gets a pony, but isn't keen on riding it. However, for once, he actually tries it. Adrianne says that Verne has issues with the pony since he can't spread his legs far enough apart, as we see Verne get down. he tries several more times, but since his "nuts hurt," he has to get off. Back on his scooter he goes -- off into the sunset. Jane is happy that Verne tried, and she appreciates that. Marcus feels bad, and can't imagine how hard life is for Verne.

Chris tells the camera that they go out looking for cattle, and Jane tells the camera that everyone riding horses looks like a bunch of monkeys humping something. She also notes that the ride was pretty uneventful, but then everything got wild. Everyone goes off chasing cattle, and Adrianne says that her horse went hog wild. She tells the camera that Jane surprised her with her riding skills, and reiterates that she and Jane are split souls.

After they are done herding cattle, the ranch "dude" tells them that for dinner, everyone is eating pork & beans. Chyna seems to be the only one excited about that. However, if one person brands a baby calf, everyone gets to eat steak & lobster. Adrianne says that she can't eat pork & beans, and she'll brand the calf. Everyone else is fine eating the pork & beans, and don't want to brand the cattle. Jane is VERY much against the idea of the branding, being an animal rights activist and strict vegetarian. She tells the camera that she felt betrayed by Adrianne because she is always talking about how they should stick together. Chris says that it's clear the group doesn't want to brand the calf, but Adrianne doesn't seem to care. Everyone tries to talk her out of it, but Adrianne says the calf will get branded if she does it or doesn't, so it doesn't really matter. Jane says that doesn't make it right.

So the calf is roped and Da Brat tells the ranch hands not to choke it. Marcus comments that the whole thing is wrong as well, while Adrianne tells the camera that you can't be a meat eater, then get mad when the cattle is branded. She just wants everyone to stop being a hypocrite. I couldn't agree with her any more. Anyway, Adrianne finally brands the cattle, and the calf does some little moan, and it's over in two seconds. Adrianne kisses the calf and tells him she's sorry, then off it goes. Chris acts like he is going to brand Adrianne, but she quickly heads off to go talk to Jane.