American Idol 4, January 26: The Lights Get Brighter!

Joseph Land, allegedly 28, says this is his big moment as he takes a big swig from a coffee mug bigger than some whole pots. He walks into the room and Simon immediately asks his age. 28, Joseph says. (41, my guess). Simon asks for a birthday, Joe gives one in 1976. The look in Simon's eye echoes my thought: you haven't seen 28 in your rearview mirror for a long, long time. Simon asks if he saw the first moon landing. Joseph, unconvincingly, says he would have been too young. Joseph tries to distract his interrogation by waving to Kenny Loggins. Simon asks if he bought Kenny's first record. Joseph says no. Joseph sings "Young Girl" (a song recorded in 1968 by Union Gap featuring Gary Puckett. Yeah. The evidence is mounting!). Finally, Joseph cracks under the strain and admits he's 44. Thanks for playing.

Desi Yazzie - the brother of Dino Yazzie (who shattered glass in a four mile radius with his rendition of "The Greatest Love of All" in season two) came to do more damage with more Whitney - "I Have Nothing." He had nothing. Randy said he didn't want to hurt anymore and away went Desi.

Ryan says a string of bad auditions made the judges crabbier... with each other. Paula carped on about being interrupted (look up "conciseness" maybe?), Simon got even ruder with auditioners, Paula told someone that they could do a good Kermit the Frog, to which Simon asked if he came to be told by Paula Abdul that he sounded like Kermit the Frog, which set her off again, and eventually, Simon stomped off to take a break. Oh, my sides.

Susan Woodall, a former Little Miss Texas, apparently, sings "Viva Las Vegas." It was annoyingly casual. So casual, Simon called her on it. Yes, she just wanted to be on television. Simon tells her she wasted everyone's time. Out. In the confessional, Susan thinks she deserves points for not cracking or forgetting the words. Enjoy your fame.

Sharon Galvez, who Simon immediately pegs as "such a Vegas girl," is a short petite little thing who delivers "Saving All My Love" with astonishing power! She is unquestionably as yes!

Matthew Falber does a little Scooby Doo for the camera and I already like him. He sings "I Just Can't Wait to Be King" and it's curious: the first line is great, and the judges instantly perk up, then he goes into the comedy bits, and it throws off his singing entirely. While amused, Randy says no. Kenny thinks musical theater is calling. Paula says close, but no. Come back next year. Simon says, "nearly, but no." Matthew, if you are out there, if you watched the show, you know how close you came! Folks, the chances of going to Hollywood because you are a ham are slim to none. You must bring something. If Matthew had just stuck to singing, he'd have gone to Hollywood and with that sense of humor, he could have been Top 12 on likeability alone!

Bobie May is psychic. Which makes you wonder why she even showed up. Ba-dump bump. She predicts she's going to Hollywood. Only if she wins a raffle, because her "Can't Help Falling In Love" manages the dubious honor of being completely, entirely, totally, out of key. Every. Single. Note. Buh-Bye.

Jennifer Todd says she's wanted to try out before, but let her weight hold her back. This year she found the courage. She sings Alicia Keyes' "If I Ain't Got You" and besides being grammatically incorrect, vocally it's full of landmines. Jennifer does a wonderful job with great power and control. Randy is an immediate yes, Kenny thinks there may be an image concern, but Ruben did it (the most gracious fat insult ever delivered), Paula says the competition must have her, and Simon says that's four. Jennifer is understandably overjoyed.

Mario Vasquez comes to Vegas via New York, and he just got nervous walking into the audition room. What timing. Despite the nerves, he sings "Whatever Happens" (a song *I* don't even know) and what happened was he is only the second contestant to make the hair stand on my arms! Very good stuff! Paula was getting that gelatinous look she hasn't had since Justin Guarini. Simon says he's one the best he's heard the whole competition. Kenny seems like he wants to say more, but sticks to yes, and Randy makes it official. On to Hollywood!

Ryan says Mario is one of 24 people going to Hollywood in Las Vegas. Next stop: Cleveland, with LL Cool J!

Sting7 has been a respected published writer for 16 years, as a music editor, entertainment critic, columnist, and interviewer. He also has a curious love for pro-wrestling! You can email Stinger at stingseven@yahoo.com.

Be sure to sign up for our e-mail update so you can stay informed about new articles on the site! And take a look at the rest of the site. You can find out about some other popular shows at our The Amazing Race 6 page and our Survivor: Vanuatu page; and don't miss The Reality TV Hall of Shame. You can even buy reality show stuff at our Reality TV Store!

For more news about reality TV, be sure to check out SirLinksALot!