Newlyweds, Season 3, Episode 4: The Great Christmas Tree Caper

Jessica makes something in the kitchen as the dogs watch. She adds a lot of salt. More salt. She's still adding salt. Nick, run! She's trying to kill you! Jessica says something about being healthy. Nick just shakes his head. That was bizarre.

Jessica packs for Baton Rouge, where she'll be filming Dukes of Hazzard. Her driver, I think, tells her to hurry up or she'll be late. Nick tells her the same. Jessica admits that she's not even close to being ready. She looks through her closet for ages and finally finishes packing. Nick puts Daisy in the Louis Vuitton carrier they bought her in the last episode.

Nick and Jessica say their goodbyes, and Jessica asks him to get some perfume out of her car. As Jessica leaves, Nick tells her to enjoy her Southwest flight. Jessica says that she's not on Southwest, and Nick says that she will be when she misses her United flight. Heh.

Jessica flies to Louisiana, where she tells us the movie's production company has rented a house for her. She'll live with Cacee (I'm pretty sure that's how she spells it), her hair stylist Jessie, and her personal trainer Mike. That would make a very interesting season of The Real World. I imagine it would come to an abrupt end with Mike buying a gun and the producers having to wrestle him away from the girls.

The new housemates get the tour, and they like the house. Daisy immediately marks her territory - literally. The girls unpack the kitchen, while Mike watches TV. The girls take clothes upstairs. Mike is still watching TV. The girls struggle with their luggage, while Mike uses his computer. Jessica finally asks him to help them bring their luggage upstairs. She tells the other girls, "Nick would've already done it. Mike's a mama's boy."

Nick says that he doesn't like that he has to spend Christmas without Jessica. He's heading to New York to spend the holiday with his brother Drew and some other family members. Nick and Drew meet up at Nick's hotel, and Nick shows him the Christmas tree lot across the street. He wonders if he's allowed to have a Christmas tree in his room, and decides that they should ask first.

Downstairs, Nick asks about the tree, and a desk clerk tells him that it's against the law in New York to have a live tree in a hotel room; it's a fire hazard. Nick jokingly asks if he can have one without needles.

As the brothers leave the lobby, Drew asks what Nick's Plan B is. Nick says quietly that it's to sneak the tree in. Drew asks how that's possible, since they have to go through the lobby. Nick says that the elevator goes down to the ground floor, so if they get on there, they can bypass the lobby. I'm disproportionately amused by this, because this came on after Alias, and it seems like some wacky mission and they're bumbling spies. "Your mission is to buy a Christmas tree and transfer it, undetected, into a New York City hotel room."

Nick and Drew go to the lot, where a guy tells them about some trees, one of which is Canadian. Nick and Drew aren't thrilled about a Canadian tree, especially one from Nova Scotia. Apparently they know someone from Nova Scotia and don't like him or her, so they don't want a tree from that location. Um, okay. Nick asks if there are any American trees. The guy takes them to some trees from Tennessee and North Carolina, which Nick and Drew are much more in favor of. After they insult Canada, Drew checks to make sure the guy working there isn't Canadian.

Nick finds a tree he likes; it's full and "reeks of red, white, and blue." No, it's green. It also costs $175. Nick says it's definitely a New York City tree. He asks about garland, and another tree guy shows him some that was hand-twined. Unfortunately, it's from Canada, so Nick has to decline. He asks for some American garland and gets some from Brooklyn.