The Starlet, Episode 2: Butch Courtney and the Lipstick Lesbian

Ah….just when we thought we would have a week before we would have before we would have to go through another episode of The Starlet. I mean, after all, I had just gotten Faye Dunaway’s creepy, “Don’t call us, we’ll call you,” line out of my head and sure enough, there’s another episode.

Now, on Sunday, we said goodbye to Andie and Andria. Andie, I was kinda sad to see go because if we had gotten to any comedy roles, she probably would have kicked everyone’s ass. Andria. Ah, Andria. I’m not sure who told her that she could act, but she was pretty bad. After all, I’m old enough to remember the acting category on the original Star Search with Ed McMahon so I know my bad acting.

Already we get to start in on the girl that everyone hates. For this show, everyone hates Katie. Given the fact that she’s blow drying her hair in the bedroom while other people are trying to sleep would be enough for me to hate her as well. Sleep is a precious thing, Katie. I would make the obvious crack about needing her beauty rest along side a crack about her looks, but I’m not going to be that evil. Not just yet, anyway.

We see Katie talking and talking and talking. First, it’s about the size of her butt. Then it’s about her belly button. She’s babbling as fast as she can until she just totally loses her train of thought and laughs at herself. I’m not really sure what this has to do with anything since it seems totally out of place with the rest of the episode. I’ll bring this back up a little later on in the episode. However, for right now, we’re going to just say that Katie is annoying because she likes to blow dry her hair in the morning and then talk a lot. Other than that, there’s nothing else.

This week’s Diva Challenge is a theme of love and passion. Well since we’ve all seen the teaser we know what this is leading up to eventually. Eighteen year old Michelynne is worried because apparently she’s still as pure as a bar of Ivory soap. Of course, she’s living in a hotel in a not so reputable part of Hollywood so I do have to question how pure she is after a few days there. You see things. You pick stuff up on the street.

Meanwhile, Donna focuses on how the classes are important because it gives you something to fall back on and makes sure you are prepared to do any scene that you are given. The techniques you learn can only help to make you better as a performer. Considering that she’s a mattress (that’s a “model turned actress” for those not in the know), I’m pretty sure that she’s going to need a lot of training. I dunno. I just don’t trust mattresses on screen.

Katie Wagner, our hostess, tells us that our acting coach for the day, Bernard Hiller, has taught all of the best when it comes to love scenes. In fact, one of the key things that the women will have to learn how to do is to perform a love scene with someone they have no chemistry with. Say, for example, Rush Limbaugh and Hilary Clinton. No chemistry whatsoever. But if they took Bernard’s class, they could be on camera mucking it up with the best of them and we would fully believe them. Hmmm. Maybe that explains Bill and Hilary’s relationship. And, please, no comments on that line. I’m about as liberal of a Democrat as you are going to find. Barack Obama in 2008, baby!

Bernard tells us that the most important quality a star must have is sensuality. They must be comfortable and have no blocks, fears or doubts. They will be doing an acting scene and working on their technique so, as Bernard puts it, they can ultimately have a love scene with a tree.

Now that’s one film I don’t think is going to be playing at any mainstream cineplex.

With that, we are led into a montage of the ladies approaching a chair. They are sauntering up to it, giving it that sultry look that says, “I’m going to devour you whole.” “What’s in that chair?” I hear you, my lurvely readers asking.

It’s a big fluffy teddy bear.

That’s right, folks, these ladies have to seduce a teddy bear. There’s caressing, fondling, maybe even a little kissing. Oh, we also have Michelynne cracking up as she looks deep in to the soulful brown eyes of Mr. Teddy Bear. Bernard tells her to shock herself and go for the impulse. Now, if this wasn’t a teddy bear but an actual person, what Michelynne then does with that bear’s paws would have taken the movie from PG to R in about two seconds. Frankly at that point, I thought that Michelynne pretty much just topped everyone out there.

But then comes Cecile.

Our South African blonde starts stripping before she even gets to the bear. She’s focused on the bear’s eyes and starts to pretty much… well… I don’t exactly know what to say but if there was a crime against making love to a teddy bear then Cecile would have been guilty as charged. We’re talking the look, the intensity, the vibe, everything.