My Big, Fat, Obnoxious Boss, Episode 9: My Kingdom for a Chicken

The last episode ended with Mike (Goatee Guy, or GG) and Damien facing off in the boardroom. N. Paul Todd (NPT) has warned Damien that each boardroom session contains a task calculated to see how well the contestants focus. We start Episode 9 at the same point, and with NPT’s admonition to Damien. However, we also learn exactly what it entails. GG and Damien are asked to talk with NPT, to persuade him of their positions, while “Jamie” and “David” (the Carolyn Kepcher and George Ross of this outfit) do things to distract them.

NPT starts with GG. What is his personal mission statement? GG starts blathering on about changing one person’s life for the better, and “David” starts throwing things at him. At first, it’s a crumpled up piece of paper. Next, it’s a ball, which NPT tells GG to catch, throw back, and keep talking. GG does his best, but he’s a little thrown (pun intended). Next, it’s Damien’s turn. Why should NPT hire him? As he speaks about how IOCOR needs him, “Jamie” rolls a bowling ball at him. Without waiting for direction, Damien rolls it back and keeps talking. No break whatsoever. It’s both hilarious and impressive. It reminds me of my friends with small kids, who can engage with them and hold a conversation with me.

GG: What would you do with a million dollars? GG starts to talk about real estate and “David” pulls out a cap gun, aims it at GG, and starts firing. GG is understandably startled, and it throws his pitch off a little. And I laugh so hard I snort ginger ale up my nose. (If you haven’t seen it, you HAVE to.) “David” even keeps firing long after the caps are gun and even the clicking noise is hysterical.

What’s Damien personal mission statement? It’s “will the win.” While he tries to explain that willpower can force a win, “Jamie” brings out a large jar of kidney beans and starts pelting him with them. I said it before, many times: HOW CAN THEY NOT KNOW THIS IS A HOAX? If someone pelted me with kidney beans, I’d at least be a bit curious. Wouldn’t you?

I have to put down the ginger ale. I could do serious damage to my sinuses.

What is one thing GG wishes he’d done better? GG tries to ask if the question alludes to the challenges, but he’s having trouble hearing, as “David” keeps setting off one of those infernal air horns about two feet away. GG is now sweating profusely and Damien keeps opening his jaw to pop his ears.

Damien: So what? So, he came here to win. Cue the air horn. GG is starting to look angry. Damien never breaks stride. NPT asks him a follow-up question and throws his pen at Damien for good measure. Damien blathers on about being articulate and NPT asks a question I’ve been dying to ask ole Damien: What if I said you thought you were more articulate than you really are? (Especially when he said he had “technical skills” and, when pressed, said those skills were looking at the big picture. Whaa???) Damien comes back with, “You don’t know me well enough.”

Torture’s over—for now. NPT excuses GG and Damien to reception. Damien insists on talking even as he’s leaving: he’s not a suit, on a pole, he doesn’t do what suits typically do, yada yada yada. As the door closes, NPT tells him to “always be closing,” and the door has barely closed before David (the actor playing “David”) is giggling like a schoolgirl. “Jamie” just looks stunned. She obviously can’t believe they sat there and took it. NPT leaves to go talk to the Real Boss. He passes through the large office doors and asks, “Mike or Damien? Time to let one of ‘em go.”

If Real Boss is not a real-life monkey, GG has to be going home.

The boys re-enter, seat themselves, and look nervously at NPT, who tosses a ball from hand to hand. He tells Damien he’s clearly a good leader, as he’s been picked as team boss three times, but he might be too much of a “live wire” to be a great leader. Damien disagrees and NPT tells him “now’s not the time for talking; now’s the time for listening.” GG is the oldest guy in the game, but sometimes, when the chips are down, he acts like the biggest baby. GG wisely says nothing. Damien is told he’s a big fish in a small pond. Guess what? NPT swims in a big pond. Say again?

NPT stares each of them down and eventually throws the ball to GG. He tells GG to hang onto it. Damien is told to “get the hell out of my office.” Oy vey! The Real Boss a monkey!