Road Rules X-treme, Episode Five: The Bell Tolls for the R.V.

Sorry for the delayed recap, folks: I was on a July 4th week-long holiday. I'm sure you were all nursing tears of despair.

Oh, and during vacation, I caught a glimpse of what could only be described as "Road Rules Jr." -- Girls vs. Boys on The-N, Viacom's "tweens" network. Avoid this show at all costs. Otherwise, you're just encouraging prima donna behavior in reality contestants barely old enough to drive. Vanity, like fine wine, wears better with age, when at least the contestants have a few more accomplishments to brag about than that they finally grew into a C-cup.

Anyway, last week, on Road Rules: The Roadies had to eat parts of a cow and Danny threw up -- a lot. The Roadies failed their first mission, are closer to having to eliminate one of their own, and it's all Danny's fault.

This week, Ibis, Kina, and Jodi sit together in a Santiago restaurant, possibly the same as the one where they ate the cow. At this point I'm wondering how they could eat at all. Ibis seems unfazed, though, as she heaps criticism on Danny for not eating the cow parts he was given. "There was no reason for us to lose that mission," Ibis says, as Kina and Jodi nod in agreement. The girls gripe that they took thirteen plates of cow nasty for the team, while squeamish Danny barely took any. If Danny messes up again, says Kina, he is "clearly the one to go." But what happens if someone else screws up badly? Like, say, your honey Derrick with his bad knee? Who is the bigger loser, then?

The Roadies sunbathe on the beach, and as Danny describes an aspect of his life, Derrick shouts "Earmuffs!", much to Danny's irritation. Danny wishes he and Patrick wouldn't act like they need to hide from his homosexual lifestyle. The screen turns a gritty-grey as Road Rules flashes back to the first episode, where the first seeds of intolerance were planted. Flashback Danny stands and stares at the ground, pained. Present Danny gripes that Derrick and Patrick aren't homophobic on the outside, but on the inside -- whereas he doesn't shout "Earmuffs!" when they talk about heterosexual interests. Danny feels alone and not part of the group.

Ding-dong... Danny, Ironic Foreshadowing is here to see you!

The Roadies arrive at the mission site, down one member. The Mission Managers greet them and state that their X-treme key is hidden somewhere on the premises -- the Roadies need find the four missing words in a clue to get it. In addition, they get the possibility of a "European adventure" where they can visit up to seventeen countries. Naturally this added bonus pumps up the Roadies. One MM explains that they will be divided into two groups: one containing four artists, and one containing the puzzle solver (down from two, with Derrick out). Jodi gets the unpleasant burden of being the puzzle solver, and quickly gripes in confessional that she would probably do the worst job of the five. As the other four draw, each of them will be flown about in an airplane that will be doing crazy maneuvers. Patrick explains that being spun about in circles is less than conducive to drawing, as the artist could easily black out. They only have ten seconds to complete the drawing after the pilot says "Go," and if the picture goes over or is started before, it gets erased.