Joe Schmo 2, Episode 5: Porked –N- Beans

Last week saw the evolution of Ingrid from “Jane Schmo” to actress and the introduction of a new “Jane,” Amanda Naughton. Ingrid jumped right into the action, playing her role to perfection. We also have a chance to review the valiant Tim agreeing to donate one of his kidneys. And, there is one more shot of Bryce’s heartfelt, although unintelligible farewell.

The actors meet for their daily pep talk and Rhett feels that the previous day was the best yet. Ingrid gets a round of applause from her fellow castmates and we are off to the races. We start off with our beloved host, Derek Newcastle offering a "big old platter of controversy." He wants to know who the players think are the least compatible with Austin and Piper. They each cast their votes. While they are waiting for the results, Tim points out that Eleanor’s voice reminds him of a character in the movie American Pie and Eleanor is quite put out about this. Tim keeps digging a deeper hole and decides that she is just too sensitive.

Derek has the results. Gerald is certainly a logical pick but the group’s selection of Eleanor causes her a moment of chagrin. But fear not, their being selected allows them a private date with the lovely Piper and the dashing Austin, chiseled features and all. Eleanor leaps for joy at the news.

Now for the first “Falcon Twist” of the evening. Derek announces, "Just when you've all gotten comfortable, the grim reaper of change makes an appearance.” Montecore flaps in on cue but the reading of the task is interrupted with some tragic news. Ingrid’s 102-year-old grandfather has died. Oh no! She has her first chance to act and act she does, waving away the cameras and crying. But guess what? He really didn’t die and Ingrid apologizes telling him that "if you're still alive when this comes out, I want you to know that I meant you no harm." Still alive? Is he really 102? I guess we should start calling her “Ingrid Fairplay!” To console her in her hour of despair, Austin has asked if Eleanor will give up her alone time and allow Ingrid that privilege. Eleanor was a little bummed about it but she seems to get over it, agreeing that this was a nice gesture on Austin’s part.

The gang is out by the pool when suddenly they look up and see a plane flying overhead pulling a sign that reads "P Forgive me? - B." Tim is totally weirded out by this but Piper seems to be having second thoughts about eliminating him. Someone expresses hope that Bryce won’t jump out of the plane! Now that would have been a moment.

No show would be complete without the games, and this time around we have a series of games called “Love is a Battlefield.” The reward is a trip to Cozumel, Mexico. And to add to the excitement, models are being included in the mix. Bikini-clad models, I might add. Derek asks for a volunteer to sit out the games and be the cheerleader. Gerald volunteers and is splendid with his pom-poms and gyrations. The first round is called “Break my Hearts.” The players have to break balloons that are attached to the models. Eleanor really gets into it while Ingrid admits that she feels strange participating in these games now that she knows what’s up.

The next round is called “Electro Lick” and, quite honestly, this one had me on the floor laughing. The players must flick a light switch with their tongues. The switches are embedded in sets of huge lips, held in position, crotch-high by Austin and Piper. Amanda wonders, "What am I doing here?" Totally humiliated, she still seems to be right in the game. T.J. is disappointed when the models win it.

Last, but certainly not least, is "Getting a Heart On." Tim is attached to a heart monitor and the goal is to elevate his heart rate. Cammy gets as down and dirty as is humanly possible and Tim is totally lost. She finishes up with a lap dance and Tim admits, “She did very well.” Derek seems spellbound. Gerald calls Cammy’s act some of the finest improvisation he has ever seen. Old Tim will never be the same! Amanda calls Cammy’s performance eye-opening. That is certainly an understatement. Tim’s heart rate rises 18 points.

But it’s not over yet. Two of the models play the game, one on one, and it is so spicy that they can’t even show in on the screen. You read me right. Spike TV won’t show most of this! The models win. Derek is truly speechless. Cammy comments that they “got very close and very familiar with each other this afternoon." I’ll say.