The Assistant, Episode 3 – “The tribal people of the tribe have spoken”

Let me preface this by saying this is my new second favorite reality show, after The Amazing Race, of course. I honestly looked forward to watching it all day. Nowhere else on TV can you get the laughs that you get from this show. So anyway, now that I got that off my chest: Previously on The Assistant, Andy’s “bitches” had to deal with one of his friends, John, a “little person.” John taught them all the meaning of an ass kicking, and because Jeff and Sara faltered when making Andy’s dinner, he decided to cut them. There are eight contestants left - who will win the prize? Let’s see who gets cut tonight.

It’s 8 a.m. Andy is sleeping while Max is looking in Andy’s date book and sees that it’s the big day – Andy’s 29th birthday! He opens the garage and tells the contestants that it’s Andy’s big day and every year they have a surprise party for him. It will be the contestants’ job to put the party together and make sure it goes off without a hitch. I’m already laughing because it’s so obvious this is staged and Andy knows all this is going to happen. Stefani tells the camera that they aren’t allowed to mention anything to Andy, while Max reinforces the sentiments of keeping the whole thing secret by telling the assistants not to screw all this up.

Everyone is going to have to split up and work on different tasks. Ebony, Mark, and Anna have to get Andy presents. Mykell and Melissa must get needed things for the party. Tanika is in charge of the cake, while Colin and Stefani are in charge of decorating. There is still one job left. Someone has to take care of the food. For that, Max says someone is back! The garage door raises and it’s Nikeda, who was eliminated in the first episode. Part of me is happy because Nikeda is from Philly, like me, and I love to see the hometown sist(er)(a) succeed! The other part of me is SHOCKED at this SHOCKING TWIST! Ha! It’s Nikeda’s job to make sure the food is there and the place is booked. The other contestants don’t look too happy, with Mark saying it’s going to be pretty sad when Nikeda is cut again – at least he says it to her face. Colin completes the remark with a patented Andy Dick clipping motion. I love the clipping motion. My friend Paul and I have adopted it and clip people that get in our way at the club. Yes, we ARE that pathetic.

Andy tells the camera he was sleeping but everyone is downstairs acting like rats and eating each other’s poop. What the HELL is he talking about? I have no idea but I love it! We see Mykell inviting someone to Andy’s party, and the guy on the other line says he wouldn’t feel right attending since Andy slept with his wife. So what, there will be free booze! Andy finally awakes and asks Max where everyone is. Max points to the kitchen and Andy goes in and tells them he needs quiet. Then, he pulls Nikeda aside and tells her that he had “cutters remorse” so he brought her back. It’s his show, he says, so he can do what he wants. After this, he asks Nikeda what’s going on but she says nothing. Andy goes back in the house, but not before getting wrapped in the curtain and almost falling over. I’m sorry, but had I been there, I would have been on the floor laughing. The assistants just sit there with looks on their faces that say “why me?” So Andy tells them that he’s having a bad day and just wants to be left alone to take a dive in “Like Dick,” his pool.

Six hours until the party and Tanika tells us that Nikeda needs help. Melissa echoes this by saying SHE basically did Nikeda’s job for her. Then we see Nikeda using her phone to text message someone. I LOVE Nikeda. She is such a typical Philadelphian. We HATE to work, but love getting paid and switching jobs every 3 months. I can say this because I’m a Philadelphian – if anyone else talked smack on the city I love, I’d cut them! Anyway, with five hours left, Andy comes down and tells everyone he is having a bad day again and this isn’t a joke because he’s not laughing. Four hours now left and everyone is scrambling. Mykell says it’s rough when everything is last minute. Three hours to go, and Melissa goes to get Andy ready for dinner, only to find he has locked himself in the closet. How could this not be staged? I’m dying of laughter. He says he’s having a bad day again, and that they can do whatever they want, he feels mocked. Only two hours left and Andy still won’t budge from the closet. Everyone heads to the restaurant except Melissa who stays to wait for Andy. Tanika notes that this competition is all about proving yourself at this point. Melissa tries to tell Andy that he looks good, but Andy says he looks like “Twice warmed over ass.” Ugh, I know someone that looks like that. When Melissa goes to hug Andy, since he’s going to dinner, he tells her that legally he’s not allowed to touch her. My sides hurt! Off they go to the restaurant with one hour left.