The Casino, Episode 9: If I Had A Million Dollars

This episode of The Casino has the potential of being a good one, because right off the bat, we lead off with my boyfriend Matt Dusk. He and his manager Wolfie are on their way to meet with Tim and Tom. The Golden Nugget owners have some good news and some bad news for him. The good news is that Matt finally has a shot at performing in the showroom. The bad news is that he only has three days to prepare. Does this seem like an unnecessary and unlikely plot contrivance? Yes it does, and it won’t be the last one we see on this show, I promise you that. But trust me, people, if I pointed out every time this show seemed fake, it’s all I would do. I’ll just make a little ding when something seems fake. So can we focus instead on how cute and excited my boyfriend looks at the news? He’s a little nervous, because at Zax, he’s used to singing for 50 or 60 people. The showroom holds 400. Wolfie tells Matt he believes in him. I believe in you too, honey! Matt goes to tell his band the news.

Out at the pool, a group of women tote a big inflatable penis to the hot tub. This can only mean one thing: a bachelorette party. Adi, the bachelorette, says that her friend Keri arranged for all of her friends to come to Vegas for one last hurrah. Keri explains, “Obviously there’s a huge penis theme here tonight.” She says that since Adi is committing to one man for the rest of her life, they intend to surround her with as many penises as possible in the next few hours. They’re classy girls, aren’t they? They are joined by Ellie, who is fully dressed, but still dunks her feet right into the hot tub with the other women.

Nearby, Zach whips out his handy cell phone, calls Tim, and asks, “Do we have any rule against having a giant inflatable penis in the pool?” Considering the entertainment that the Golden Nugget has hosted over the past few episodes, it really seems like a giant inflatable penis would be the least of their problems. Zach says that the thing is really big, adding, “It’s got me beat by a few inches.” Tim tells him to get rid of the thing, so Zach has the uneviable task of confiscating the thing. The girls tease him and tell him that he’s only taking it away because he’s threatened by it. Once their done with the hot tubbing, Keri goes to retrieve it and is angry to see that the penis has been punctured. I can’t believe I just wrote that sentence, but hey – that’s what happened.

It’s times like this that make me really appreciate the fact that in just a few weeks, I’ll be recapping The Apprentice instead of this dreck.

At the front desk, a group of guys check in for a bachelor party. Matt, the ringleader (not my boyfriend Matt) notices the bachelorette party, who just happen to be walking by. Ding!

Meanwhile, casino host Richard is on his way to the Golden Nugget, working about 47 different cell phones at once. He thinks Tim and Tom need his services. Tim says in an interview that he knows Richard from when he used to play at the Hard Rock Casino, and he thinks Richard is great. They meet, and Matt asks Richard how he could improve the Golden Nugget’s relationships with high rollers. Richard says that with great customer service, he can bring the best players to the Nugget. Tim and Tom are sold.

Oh, good – we’re back at Zax! As we watch Matt sing, he explains in an interview that it’s hard to create a concert atmosphere at Zax, so he’s really excited about playing the showroom. His set ends, and he joins the bachelorette party, who just so happen to be at the lounge watching him. Ding! The women tell him about their suite, and he’s impressed to hear that it has a kitchen. They tell him that he should come cook dinner for them, sing for them, and do all of it for free. Matt laughs and says sure. I clench my fists in a jealous rage until my boyfriend finally leaves their table.

Bachelor Party Matt meets some of the bachelorettes on the casino floor. Ding! He and Dan, the groom to be, agree that since everyone gets along so well, it only makes sense to merge their two parties. Keri says that the guys were great, not your typical cheesy Vegas crowd. You know, the kind of cheesy crowd that would parade around the hotel carrying a giant inflatable body part. Ahem.

My boyfriend Matt and his band rehearse in the showroom. Matt says that they had to adjust to playing in the small venue that is Zax, so they’re thrilled to be able to spread out. He says that the pressure is on, but he relishes the opportunity.

Richard calls high roller Allan and convinces him to come to the Golden Nugget. Ding! Richard tells Tim the good news, and adds that Allan wants to put four million dollars in the cage. Tim loves Richard and is thrilled that he hired him.

To promote his show, Matt goes onto the casino floor and passes out CD’s. He says that even thought he casino is promoting the show, every little bit helps. Wolife calls him and reminds him of the bachelorette party, but Matt can’t stop promoting the show. He asks Wolfie to offer his apologies. Frankly, I can’t believe the bachelorettes actually thought Matt would show up, cook them dinner, and sing for them. Why would he do that? Why am I trying to make sense of this show?