The Casino, Episode 12: It’s Hip at the Nugget

Las Vegas casinos may never close, but The Casino comes to its final roll of the dice, its final spin of the wheel in this final episode, and not a moment too soon. Let’s wrap things up with the grand finale. Regular readers of my recaps (Hi, Mom!) know the drill: when we hit one of the many contrived situations on the show, one of the moments that seems to take the “reality” out of “reality TV,” we’ll signify it with a little ding! And away we go!

It’s 6:11 in the morning, and Tommy, Bryan, and a passel of friends are joined by none other than one of Vegas’s finest Elvis impersonators outside of Kristin and Geoff’s room. Elvis breaks into their room –and into song – to wake up the happy couple. I’m pretty sure the song he’s singing is a parody of “Heartbreak Hotel,” but the sound is so bad in this scene that it’s hard to make out the lyrics. But the gist of it is, today is the day of Geoff and Kristin’s bachelor and bachelorette parties. Geoff and Kristin are, as you might imagine, surprised. Geoff says, “I was very happy we were not making love.” You and me both, Geoff.

Oh, good- it’s my boyfriend Matt Dusk! Matt is hanging out with his manager Wolfie. He says that since he started working at the Golden Nugget, Tim and Tom have been dangling the possibility that he might perform in the showroom in front of him, only to yank it away time and time again. He says it’s getting ridiculous, but he’s biding his time.

Geoff, Bryan, and the boys head out for the bachelor party on a bus. I’d be remiss if I didn’t mention that it is, in fact, a short bus. Bryan says that Geoff’s one request for the bachelor party was that there be no strippers, “But he didn’t say anything about bikini-clad hitchhikers.” And hey – what a coincidence! Here are some lovely ladies now, dressed in their finest swimwear, who need a ride! That sneaky Bryan!

The first bachelor party activity is even manlier than picking up bikini-clad hitchhikers – the guys will go in an Army helicopter with M-16’s and fire at targets in the desert. Tommy says that he’s watched some rap videos, but he’s never actually fired a gun before. The men laugh at his lack of experience. A nervous Tommy has two firsts - his first helicopter ride and his first time firing a gun. He shoots at the targets, but I don’t think he comes near any of them.

In contrast, the women are enjoying a nice visit to the spa. There are massages, champagne, and pedicures all around.

In case you weren’t clear on the dichotomy, we’re back to the men shooting guns. Bryan is having a great time and calls it, “a major, major testosterone rush.” Luckily, the scene ends before I grow chest hair from watching it.

My boyfriend Matt Dusk meets with Tim. Tim gives him some good news – for one night, the showroom is his. Matt is skeptical at first, and makes Tim promise it’s the real deal. He is adorable and excited. Matt, not Tim, obviously.

Adding some drama to the bridal party, we meet Mary, Bryan’s girlfriend… and Hillary, his ex. Brian says that both of the women are bridesmaids, and it puts him in an awkward position. He doesn’t know how to handle it. We see both women in a split screen dialing cell phones, which Bryan in the middle. Who is calling Bryan? Well, first it’s Mary, then Hillary calls him, too. Neither one has anything exactly earth shattering to say to him. Bryan isn’t sure what to do about having them both there, so he decides to just avoid the issue completely. I guess that helicopter ride took all of the manliness out of him.

Kristin’s childhood friends sit by the pool and gossip about the Hillary-Mary conflict. One woman says she’s heard that Hillary is the best sex Bryan has ever had. Jennifer wonders why Mary is in the wedding in the first place. They stop talking, though, because Mary and Suzette are coming. Looks like they resolved their differences from last week. Mary says in an interview that she was surprised Kristin asked her to be in the wedding, but she’s just going to have fun with it. The other women actually tell Mary that they were surprised Kristin asked her, which is pretty rude. Then they stir up even more trouble by talking about the whole Hillary issue. Did Mary sleep with all of their boyfriends? Is that why they’re being so mean to her? Mary says that she trusts Bryan, and she knows how great he is when they’re alone, and that’s all that matters to her. Oh, no. I’ve had enough female friends say something like that to me so that I can easily read between the lines and see that Bryan is a bad boyfriend. Mary says in an interview that since she barely knows these other women, they have a lot of nerve talking to her like that. Yes, they do. As Mary walks away, one of the women says, “She is in such denial.”

The bachelor party fun continues. The guys have a tricycle race, then go rock climbing. Bryan says he loves the bikini girls and says that it’s “mostly harmless fun.” Mostly? Britney, one of the women, tells Bryan that she is also a porn star. Bryan starts drooling. Britney proceeds to hit on him, hard. In an interview, Bryan asks, “So what am I supposed to do?” Oh, I don’t know… tell her you have a girlfriend and you’re not interested? Bryan adds in his interview that, after all, he and Mary are just dating. It’s not like they’re married or anything.

Meanwhile, Mary is in the hotel, saying that she understands that Bryan has a past, and that he has dated other women before him, and she’s fine with that. As for the famous Hillary, Mary doesn’t know her very well, so it’s a little awkward. She finds Hillary and says hello politely. She wants it to be clear that she has no ill will towards Hillary. In an interview, she says that she trusts Bryan and knows he wouldn’t hurt her.

The men are back from their day of extreme sports and are engaged in the not-so-extreme sport of darts. Tommy goes up to their suite to visit them and meets Marciano, who is a host at the Mandalay Bay Casino. Marciano obviously misses Geoff and Bryan’s business, because he is kissing up to them big time. Tommy mentions that the next part of the party – where the men and women meet up – will be at a bar across the street called Jillian’s. Marciano immediately starts giving Tommy a hard time about that – why didn’t the Mills party get a room in the Golden Nugget? Tommy explains in an interview that they decided Jillian’s would be more fun, but the whole line of questioning makes him uncomfortable. It’s pretty clear to Tommy that Marciano doesn’t respect him as a fellow host and sees him just as a kid. Geoff explains that Marciano used to be his host, but now they’re friends.

Tommy leaves, telling the guys to meet him down in the casino, and they’ll all walk to Jillian’s together. Marciano immediately asks why they aren’t taking a limo. Well, that would be because Jillian’s is across the street, so that would be kind of dumb.

Tommy meets my best friend Richard and tells him all about Marciano, asking, “Is he cool?” Richard says that Marciano used to work for him, and that Tommy shouldn’t take what he says too seriously. After all, Richard, says, where has Geoff been spending all of his time in Vegas – the Mandalay Bay or the Nugget? Tommy feels a little better. Richard tells him to bring Marciano over to talk to him when he comes down.

Tim tells us in an interview that poker used to be huge at the Golden Nugget, and he and Tom are bringing it back. It’s the night of their big poker room launch, and they have a bunch of nationally ranked poker players there to kick things off. Oh, and Larry Flynt. It’s another way for the Nugget to get back to its roots.