The Apprentice 2, Episode 1: Toy Story

The designers stayed up all night making prototypes of the toys. Wow, that is impressive! But the true test comes in the form of a focus group of boys in the target demographic. The boys first look at Apex’s toy. They’re excited right away about the ultimate car and can’t wait to get their hands on it. They dive right in to playing with it and immediately crash the prototype on the wall. Elizabeth says that they’ll win or lose based on what the kids thought of their toy.

Next, the same kids check out Mosaic’s toy. Pamela notices that one kid isn’t interested in the toy at all. She says, “He wasn’t believing in Santa Claus anymore.” That same kid notes that the toy falls apart too easily. Pamela then makes fun of one of the little boys’ haircuts. She says he looks like something out of Dumb and Dumber. Pamela might be dumbest herself, because she said that right in front of Carolyn and several Mattel executives. Not smart.

Apex is waiting for the results. With a dramatic flair, Stacie grabs a Magic 8 Ball and asks everyone to watch while she asks if they’re going to win. She’s excited to see that it says, “Outlook is good.” Right here on my desk, I have a Muppet Magic 8 Ball that says Muppety phrases. I’m going to ask it a question: Is Stacie insane? The Muppet 8 Ball chooses to answer as the Swedish Chef: Bork, Bork! I love my Muppet 8 Ball.

Oh, was I supposed to be writing a recap? Sorry. I drifted off a bit there.

Maria notices that Stacie is wigging out a bit. A bit? Stacie asks why no one is listening to her. Um, maybe it’s because you’re playing with a toy and demanding that everyone take it seriously? Let’s see what my Muppet 8 Ball says! Okay, just kidding. I’ll leave it alone, I promise. Stacie says in an interview that the mood was both anti-social and anti-Stacie. She goes into full-on paranoia, demanding to know why no one is listening to her and what’s wrong. One thing that’s wrong is that she’s wearing a midriff-baring shirt with a suit, but I doubt that’s what everyone’s upset about. I think they just want her to calm the hell down so they can eat their lunch. In an interview, Sandy predicts that Stacie will be the first person fired from their team because she is bringing them all down. Sandy pretty much just guaranteed for me that Stacie will survive at least one trip to the boardroom.

Stacie then asks Bradford what’s going on. He tries to calm her crazy ass down, but it’s not working. She gets hysterical and says that they’ve won and they might as well go right now and claim their prize. Everyone does their best to ignore her.

Trump heads to Mattel and pretends to tell his assistant to cancel his meeting, because he wants to see how things are going there. C’mon, Donald. We all know you didn’t have some other meeting. Anyway, the candidates, the Mattel execs, George, Carolyn, and Trump all gather to hear the results. The head Mattel guy says that both teams put forth a great effort and both did well. The action figure wasn’t as fresh or wacky as they’d hoped for, though. And the kids weren’t quite sure how to play with it. Apex’s toy, on the other hand, would be a good compliment to some of their existing lines. Plus, the kids loved it. He says there was a clear winner – Apex. They all cheer. Their reward will be dinner in Trump’s apartment with the man himself and his fiancé Melania. Trump reminds Bradford that if his team loses next week, he cannot be fired. Trump then turns to Mosaic and tells them that he’s about to say those two little words to one of them: You’re fired.

Apex heads to Trump’s shiny gold apartment. Trump asks the group if Bradford did a good job, and they all say he did, though we all know that if they’d lost, those women would be singing a very different tune. Meanwhile, back at Trump Tower, Mosaic is suffering from their defeat. Raj says it was humiliating. John says that he hates the fact that the women are getting to know Donald Trump – that’s the worst part of it for him. Meanwhile, Jennifer C. is working very, very hard to use her best table manners to impress Donald Trump. As they enjoy their dinner, Trump asks the question we’ve all been wondering: “What’s up with the guy with the cane?”

Back in the suite, the men start playing basketball. The accidentally knock a hole in the drywall. Ooops. Pamela says that it’s hard being the only woman on the men’s team because they all bond over basketball and share bedrooms, whereas she is with the enemy. Right, because women can’t play basketball. I hate the way my ovaries get in the way when I try to do free throws. Pamela talks to Ivana about the upcoming boardroom, and Kevin and Andy notice them talking. The two guys agree that they need to get rid of Pamela as soon as possible.

Andy says that the biggest problem the team faced was a lack of leadership. The men wonder which of them Pamela will take to the boardroom. Rob is pretty sure he’ll be one of the ones going. He figures they’ll say, “What did Rob do? My answer is going to be what did you tell me to do?” Yep, he’s one heck of a leader, that Rob. Andy suspects that Pamela will target him because he’s the youngest. But one of the reasons he’s there is that he’s a nationally ranked debater. He’s not exactly nervous about facing her in the boardroom.

It’s boardroom time. Pamela starts out by saying that she’s not sure Mattel was really on board with what was on the dossier. Carolyn cannot believe Pamela is blaming Mattel for her team’s failure. She adds that the team clearly didn’t understand kids, and that as a parent, she found some of Pamela’s comments offensive. She says that Pamela called one kid chubby and made fun of another kid’s haircut. Trump says, “I have a bad haircut,” which makes me love the man just a little bit more. Pamela is rude to Carolyn and defends herself badly – saying that the kid did, after all, have a bad haircut. Wow, shut up, Pamela. You’re digging a hole for yourself.