The Surreal Life 3, Episode 2: Are the Kids in Bed?

A few things before the recap. First of all, thanks to the readers for writing in on their wholesale approval of my new reality series idea, Killer House, and may I just say, you people are sick! Second, seems Flake and Gitte are considered "breakout" stars of Surreal Life 3. I would say there's not much of a competition, but still...VH1 is so impressed with this randy duo that they are developing a series for them, according to tvguide.com. As for ratings, Surreal Life 3 had the highest debut of any original series in VH1 history (about 1.7 million viewers). Plans are already underway for Surreal Life 4. And I am contemplating suing VH1 for intentional infliction of emotional distress.

In the meantime, on with the show! As so many reality shows start, so starts Surreal Life 3. We get the obligatory recap of last week's episode, which I now re-recap as follows: Charo, "cuchi cuchi," Flake (Flava Flav) in viking helmet can't remember anyone's name, Jordan Knight's ego becomes the 7th houseguest, Gitte (Brigitte Nielsen) gets naked and stinking drunk. Oh, and Ryan Starr and Dave Coulier were there, too.

Now to tonight's festivities, or as Oedipus might say, "My eyes! My eyes!"

Morning dawns at the house, to the sound of muzak, apparently. We see Dave get up early and get on the treadmill. Charo yawns; Ryan smiles as she sleeps. Someone with a towel over their head (Dave? The Unabomber? Why the secret identity?) brushes their teeth. Gitte is making breakfast, while Flake watches admiringly from his perch atop one of the kitchen counters. Flake loves the domesticity. He tells Gitte, "Hey, you know what? You are definitely my cup of tea." Gitte loves the adoration and tells us that Flake is "really adorable when he's just being him." Gitte tells us there's much more to Flake and that's what she likes. She calls him "Mr. F"; she thinks most people don't really think about it (about what? calling him Mr. F?) because Flake is always going, 'yo, yo.' Well, that clears it right up.

Flake flirts with Gitte: "I'm scared. I could fall in love with you, G. Without you knowing it, you have me wrapped around your finger, for real." Oh, I think Gitte knows, Flake. She knows. Gitte responds to Flake's declaration of love with a kiss on his cheek. One kiss, not two (we'll see the importance of that later). Flake, interviewed for us with his viking helmet on, tell us that, "when it comes down to Brigitte, Flava Flave is the only one, right now, that can cut through to her." He tells her, "I love the way you are right now." To us, he says, "I just want her to be around." As they leave the kitchen, Gitte asks Flake, "Mr. Flave, are we gonna go swim today or not at all?" Flake responds in a British accent, "If the weather permits it, my deah." Exit the oddest couple in entertainment history...

Ryan is next seen in the phone room calling her friend Hailey. We know this because we see a title to the scene, "Ryan on the phone with friend Hailey." Ryan asks Hailey to come over and swim. While they talk, Ryan picks her toes. Does she not remember she's being filmed, or does she not care? Must be the latter, because Ryan continues to pick while she tells Hailey that the house has a "sick pool and jacuzzi that overlooks a hill." They arrange for Hailey to make a house call to see the sick pool in about a half an hour. Get it? House call? Sick pool? Cut. It. Out.

At this point, I am forced to explain that the lack of exposition from one scene to another is not the fault of my writing, but of the editing. The show literally jumps from scene to scene. And the new scene? I've entitled it, Flake and Gitte: A Lust Story. Flake enters the jacuzzi behind Gitte, asking her, "Can I play a game with you?" Gitte replies that of course he can. Flake's idea of a game is to sit behind her and stick his legs out on either side of her, while his hands are on her waist. I had been hoping for a rousing game of Marco Polo. However, Gitte and Flake think this game is "lovely." I was thinking "nauseating," but whatever. In case we missed it, Flake tells us that he and Gitte are attracted to each other, "because we keep going at each other (pounding chest)...[we]got a good friendship thing going on."

Friendship, eh? That's what you kids are calling it these days?

Flake leans into Gitte's ear and, pretending to be an onlooker, declares, "How did these two come together? They're night and day!" Gitte has it all figured out. It's not general lustiness, or boredom, or alcohol. No. It's about "heart. It's very simple." Gitte starts to try and say something that sounds like "there's not muscle," but catches herself and laughs, finally spitting out, "there's not much to it, really." Freudian slip there? Flake, topping his gymnastics come-on from the first episode, tells her that "Hart to Hart wasn't only a TV show; it's right here in the pool." I check the pool; no Robert Wagner. Gitte doesn't even look. She is focused on correcting Flake: "It's not a pool, it's a jacuzzi." Flake corrects himself: "It's right here in the jacuzzi."

Flake kisses Gitte's cheek. Gitte smiles. Flake, in viking helmet, says something about affection; my closed captioning couldn't understand him, either. Then he says, "I love affection. I'm a very affectionate person." Proving this, Flake tells Gitte that, "when it comes down to you, baby, I got the present right here, baby." As if his subtlety is missed on the viewers, VH1 adds a "Booooing!" sound effect. Gitte didn't need sound effects: "I feel it." Flake: Yeah? Oh, you do?" Gitte: "Oh, yeah." Flake: Oh, snap." I check to make sure my neighbors' kids are already asleep...

Seems like a perfect time for a commercial! When we return, Ryan, holding the dog Cuchi/Boogie/Fatso, opens the door for her friend Hailey. I know this because the title on the screen tell us, "Ryan's friend Hailey." Ryan greets her guest. "What up, dog? How you doin'?" Ryan tells us that she was "so excited to see my friend, Hailey." I could have guessed that from your choice to invite her over. I mean, I don't normally invite over people I can't stand. Anyway, Ryan proceeds to show Hailey the house: "Dude, this house is, like, crazy. It's so sick, you're gonna love it." The house is sick, too? The pool must have been contagious.