Surreal Life 3, Episode 9: Dirty Laundry

Sorry for the delay in getting the recap posted, y’all… my life has been surreal the past couple of weeks. My deepest gratitude to our esteemed editor-in-chief (EIC) for letting me file this late, and to RNO readers, for your patience.

First off: there will be another Surreal Life starting in January, featuring Chynna, the pro-wrestler; Christopher Knight, AKA Peter Brady; and numerous others. My hope is that our EIC will permit me to get surreal in January as well. Peter Brady, people! I’m hoping for a visit from Cousin Oliver, m’self. Also, Flava Flave (Flake) and Brigitte Nielsen (Gitte) will soon be starring in their own reality show, aptly titled Strange Love. If I get to cover that, I’ll have hit the Surreal Trifecta!

Let’s get on with the episode, which promises the return of Sally Jesse Raphael and her fake talk show, “Dirty Laundry,” from Surreal Life 2. We start in the kitchen, where Dave and Flake are hugging and knocking fists in a surreal “good morning” salute. Flake, in his viking helmet interview, tells us that he’s glad he’s in the house with five people he doesn’t know and never lived with before.

Dave must be channeling Jordan Knight (Jordy), as he is decked out in “producer shades” ($6.89!) and a black hat. He chit chats and periodically knocks knuckles with Flake. Flake tells us that the house members have developed a “family relationship.” Dave and Flake take inventory of who’s down and who’s up. (Sounds like Dr. Seuss. Remember The Sleep Book? “These gents count the balls as they plup in a cup; that way they know who is down and who’s up.”) All the guys are up; Ryan and Gitte are asleep. Neither Dave nor Flake accounts for Charo’s whereabouts.

Dave is actually more interested in talking about where Gitte is still sleeping. He notes that Gitte spent the night in Flake’s bed. Flake confirms that she did indeed sleep with him. Dave acts surprised. “Really?” Flake says he was “chillin’” in his bed when he “felt somethin’ getting’ in my bed.” VH1 has kindly placed night-vision cameras in Flake’s room, which catch Gitte crawling into Flake’s bed and right on top of him. Flake starts whispering, “hubba hubba, baby girl. Melt me baby.” Did I mention that this is playing at 11:30 in the morning?

Back to the kitchen, where Flake shrugs at Dave as if to say, “what would you do if a six-foot tall Amazon crawled into your bed?” Gitte’s actions have persuaded Flake that “she’s my favorite person in the house.” Wonder what he’d say if Jordy had crawled into his bed. Flake proves he’s all gentleman, telling Dave that “I couldn’t kick her out, G.” The men share a chuckle. Male bonding. You gotta love it.

The paper has arrived! The Surreal Times headlines blares that “the entire cast gets shot!” Ryan gets the paper and brings it into the kitchen, where everyone has assembled around the kitchen table. Ryan reads the headline, which concerns Flake. “The cast gets shot?!” Jordy mimes taking pictures, to which Flake responds with obvious relief. “Oh. Okay.” Jordy thinks it’s funny that “ghetto man” didn’t understand that “shot” didn’t have to mean gunshot. Jordy, NAACP on line one…

Ryan reads on: The surreal family has an appointment with one of the most well-known photo studios in town. They’ve been asked to choose an outfit that best represents their style for this photo. What is Dave’s style? Does Jordy have a style? The mind reels. As I am making mental paper dolls of the cast and preparing to dress them in various outfits, Jordy interrupts to tell us that he’s his usual enthusiastic self: “I didn’t care what we were gonna do. I was just so out of it, I just wanna get through the day.” Jordy should try multivitamins.

Dave explains (to who?) that “they’re gonna give us lighting.” Wha? Gitte goes off to get ready. Dave yells to Gitte to ask if she’s going to shower, prompting Flake to yell out, “Can I come?” Please God, no. Dave assures Flake that “I’m sure you can.”

Before I can poke my eyes out with the leftover chopsticks in my silverware drawer, Flake tells us that all is not perfect with his and Gitte’s groovy kind of love. “I love everything about Brigitte Nielsen, but Brigitte Nielsen does not like everything about Flava Flave. Brigitte is constantly telling me, ‘take the gold teeth off.’” VH1 flashes us back to one of the earlier episodes, where Gitte, dressed only in a soda jerk hat and an apron, takes it upon herself to tell Flake that his gold teeth are off-putting. Maybe it’s just me, but I’d take metallic dentures over a naked, apparently drunken Dane any day.

Flave tells us that he’s decided to do something special for Gitte. Flake tells Ryan, who really could not care less, that this is the first morning he’s read the paper without his clock on. Charo, who was listening, sees that as troubling. She’s noticed that, too. “What’s wrong?” Flake tells Charo and Ryan that, for the picture, he wants to be William Drayton (his real name). “That’s the guy that made Flava Flave.” Charo hasn’t caught on that Flake has now gone from talking about himself in the third person to talking about himself in, I guess, the fourth person, if there is such a thing. “Wow. Who is this character?” Flake explains. “He (William Drayton) is much more laid back. He’s much more business. No clock, no teeth, rings. Right now, I want to snap out of the Flava Flave stuff, put on a shirt and a tie. The world will be real shocked.”

Ryan just looks bored. Flake doesn’t seem to notice. “William Drayton, along with Flava Flave, will become a legend!” I take a moment to cue up Carly Simon’s “Legend in Your Own Mind,” on my iPod. Charo seems to have finally realized what the heck Flake was talking about. She and Flake shriek, “Haaaa!” triumphantly and high five each other. Flake tells us that he has decided to “let the world see the person that created Flava Flave.” I don’t know about the world, but probably 10 million or so people, at least. As we watch Flake taking off his teeth and rings and putting his hair in two high pigtails, Flake describes each action for us.