Growing Up Gotti, Episode 11: The Great Outdoors

As we begin this week Victoria tells us that people have a hard time believing she grew up poor. But she did and it’s different for her boys, who have never had to worry about money. As it turns out, Uncle Peter wants to take the boys camping to “speed up their education.” She tells the boys about the trip and they’re less than enthusiastic. Frankie tells Victoria that she can go camping. Carmine says he doesn’t camp. John says to think of something else and come back to them. Victoria is pretty incredulous. She would’ve jumped at the chance to go camping when she was younger. I have to say, I’m not a big nature girl, but I’ve started camping in the past couple of years and I love it (except the spiders; I can’t STAND the spiders!).

Well, Victoria is heading to L.A. in the morning for a cameo on her favorite soap opera Passions, so she tells them that if they’re not going camping, they’re not going anywhere. She tells her assistant Jen to get their car keys. Yeah, I’m sure that’ll go over well… Shocking! John refuses to hand over the keys. Jen walks out of his room. I can’t blame her for giving up so quickly – these kids are pretty much the most stubborn people I’ve ever seen. She has no chance of him giving her the keys.

In L.A., Victoria is prepping for her role on Passions, playing a sexy nurse. She’s invited her friend, film director John Herzfeld, to her hotel to help her prepare. She tells him that the outfit is a really tight, short, low-cut nurse’s uniform, complete with red lace bra. For the part, Victoria has to be sexy and John tells her she can do it, no problem, because she is sexy. John asks if she’s playing a legitimate nurse and Victoria’s not sure. Victoria’s line is, “You’re being a bad boy again, Mr. Krane.” Oh boy. I’ve never seen Passions, so I’m not sure – is it a little campy or something? John is asking her to explore the part more, to help her figure out how to play it. She feels better after his guidance.

Back home, Uncle Peter is taking the boys out for pizza to discuss camping. His friends Vito and Chubby – both BIG guys – are with them. Uncle Peter says it’s not up for discussion – they’re going to the woods. John does not want to go and Peter tells him to stop being overdramatic. I love the way Peter handles them. They need that. Anyway, Peter explains that they’re getting used to being spoiled and it’s time for the boys to do something that presents a little adversity. He’s going to try to make it as uncomfortable as possible. “Put the $%#@! gel down for a day and let’s go to the woods. Let’s get rained on. Let’s get bit. Because you need it.” Nice! Twelve hours later, they’re ready for camping. Well, Peter’s ready. The boys are not quite ready but they’re working on it. Carmine has to shower and Frankie has to get dressed. One of Peter’s friends calls them the laziest kids he’s ever seen in his life.

Peter and the boys are hiking to the campsite with pretty good-sized backpacks. Carmine takes a cigar break. Lovely. When they get to the site, Chubby and Vito are already there and Chubby is lighting up a Marlboro. Well, enough smoking in the wooded area – it’s time to pitch the tents. Eric Stiller, professional outdoorsman, is there to help them learn everything they need to know to camp. Ok, that seems a little extreme. Camping is not exactly brain surgery. Pitch your tent, start a fire, cook some food. Well, in preparation for the campfire, Frank is chopping wood and John is eating salami. John is sent to find wood and he finds a piece but won’t pick it up because there are maggots on it. Is there really only this ONE piece of wood??? Anyway, he keeps calling them muskrats instead of maggots, which is hysterical. Carmine is reading a magazine, which is a huge help. But it finally looks as if the boys have found something they enjoy – chopping wood. All of them are chopping their little hearts out.

In L.A., Victoria has rehearsal with the director. Victoria does her line and fluffs Mr. Krane’s pillow. The director says she wants Victoria to climb up on the bed and then massage lotion into Mr. Krane’s hand. Um, okay. Victoria is so not feeling this.

But now it’s nighttime in New York and the boys are around the campfire. Uncle Peter asks John about his goals and he says he has some ideas, like real estate. Frankie wants to open a restaurant. Carmine says he’s going to own everything in the world. Peter asks him to elaborate and Carmine says he’d like to be a billionaire. Peter is a little disappointed and hopes that he can show Carmine the value of things other than money. He wants to teach them about the character of the man. He wants them to be the best that they can be. He says that 10 years from now he will remember this trip and he hopes the boys learn from it. Then, Chubby farts.

The next morning the boys are out walking with Peter on the beach. It’s beautiful; I wonder where they are. Oh, it’s not just a day at the beach – they’re going kayaking! Carmine says he’s not doing it because he doesn’t want to get wet. John says it’s stupid. Lord, they need to learn to go with the flow. The way this is edited, Frankie is the one who is most willing to try new things, or maybe he just doesn’t vocalize his complaints. Either way, he comes off as the most mature, which is ironic because he’s 14. Well, they eventually get in the water, and Vito says he’ll laugh his ass off if they flip over. I hope that’s foreshadowing. But, as it turns out, they do a good job – and Carmine has a cigar in his mouth the whole time.

Back to L.A. and Victoria is filming her scene. She nails it in one take and I think she did a good job. Now she’s going to enjoy her last night in L.A. without the boys. Good for her! There’s a Ferrari on the street, and Victoria slides into the driver’s seat. I hope she knows the owner or this was arranged. They don’t make it very clear. Anyway, um, she’s not very good. There’s a lot of grinding and people honking. Tula is trying to tell her how to do it, but it looks pretty frustrating.

Well, back east the boys are making s’mores. Mmm… s’mores. They’re also roasting hot dogs over the fire and while they don’t look that appetizing, at least everyone’s smiling. Even Frankie says, “Geez, I’m thinking this is like a gourmet meal.” It is funny how much better all food tastes when you go camping. I can’t explain it. Anyway, someone brought fireworks. To the wooded area. And they’re lighting them off. But apparently there was no inferno because everyone wakes up, unharmed, the next morning. The boys survived the weekend. What troopers.

Victoria is back from LA. and she’s ordered breakfast for everyone. John is telling her about kayaking and hiking up a hill with a 100-pound backpack. They’re laughing and Victoria looks happy. They also tell her that John was the biggest protester and the first to have fun. Wow, I didn’t see that! Anyway, for now, there’s peace.

Joan is an editor based in Boston. If you want to discuss reality television or her other passion – Boston sports – email her at Joanie1835@hotmail.com.

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