The Apprentice 3, Episode 2: Your Ass Doesn’t Know the Difference

As usual, the candidates are gathered in the suite, speculating as to who got fired. Bren predicts that, in the boardroom, Danny spent more time defending himself than Todd did. He thinks Danny is a loose cannon, not the kind of person Trump wants working for him. Therefore, concludes Bren, Danny will be the one sent home. Silly Bren obviously didn’t watch the first two seasons of the show, or he’d know that Trump always indulges the crazies for a few episodes, wondering if maybe they’ll be crazy yet brilliant.

Alex and Danny return to the suite, and there are hugs all around. Danny says in an interview that he believes his team – and Donald Trump – have underestimated him. Sure, Trump called him a disaster, but he thinks Trump likes the fact that he’s different. Well, that’s quite a spin to put on being called a disaster, isn’t it? Danny realizes that now, he really has to prove himself.

The next morning, the Trump Phone rings. The candidates are to meet Trump in front of Trump International. Rhona warns them not to be late, because Trump has a busy morning. The candidates are not late, so that line really served no purpose, except maybe to remind us that Donald Trump is very busy and important. The busy and important Trump, flanked by George and Carolyn, greets the candidates. He notices that Danny is wearing a very nice suit, which appears to not only not be a primary color, but also made of natural fibers. That’s a good step towards being taken seriously, Danny – well done. Now can we talk about your haircut, and how you probably shouldn’t use a kid’s safety scissors to cut it yourself? Anyway, Trump tells us that the hotel they’re standing in front of was ranked by the New York Post as the best hotel in New York. He’s proud of that, because he renovated it. Similarly, the candidates will also be renovating motels this week. Each team will have $20,000 to renovate and refurbish motels on the New Jersey shore. When the renovations are over, they’ll welcome their first customers. The customers will fill out surveys on their stays, and the team with the highest score wins. John, who looks hot in his Elvis sunglasses, is exempt should his team lose.

Brian volunteers to be the project manager for Net Worth. He says that no one had motel expertise, and he figures since he has a background in real estate, has sold motels, and is from New Jersey, he’s the best bet. In the van to the motel, he is full of ideas, including doing a tie-in promotion with a local amusement park. Kristen is not happy that Brian is in charge. In an interview, she says that she doesn’t like him and calls him “a problem child.” As Brian talks about setting up a shoeshine stand for Craig (since that’s what he did before the show), Kristen says in a voiceover that Brian is very insecure, and she didn’t question his leadership or anything he said because she knew it would start a fight. Remember those words for later, people.

They arrive at the motel, and Tana continues her practice of tap dancing on my last nerve by squealing how cute the place is. Angie thinks the outside looks great. The inside, however, is not so great. The rooms smell bad, have ugly wood paneling, missing ceiling tiles, nasty carpeting, and a mildew problem. Craig jokes that all he needs to know is where to set up his shoeshine stand and they’ll have this sucker won.

Audrey makes some phone calls and learns that for $700, they can get a dumpster and hire people to remove all of the junk from the rooms. Kristen thinks they should make a budget first, because they shouldn’t make any rash decisions about money. Brian disagrees. He thinks the dumpster is a great idea and tells Audrey to go ahead and do it. Angie is miffed and says petulantly, “I don’t do business that way, but that’s fine.” Brian tells her that they’re ordering the dumpster, so she should just get over it and quit shooting her mouth off. Kristen continues to make passive-aggressive remarks about how she doesn’t do business that way, but whatever. Brian says in an interview that he is the project manager, so his team needs to respect that.

Speaking of respect, it’s time for the Trump Lesson of the Week: “Respect Comes From Winning.” If you win, people will respect you. Next week’s Trump Lesson: Don’t Stick Beans Up Your Nose.

Magna drives to their hotel. They think theirs is cute, too. Michael is the project manager because he has worked as a real estate developer and knows how to complete projects quickly. As they walk through the rooms, he starts a checklist for what needs to be done, including tasks like getting rid of the mold and getting the giant bugs out of the bathroom. Lovely. Verna starts to talk to Michael about her responsibilities, which are accounting and customer service. Michael says that isn’t his priority right now; first they need to renovate the rooms. She disagrees. Customer service is one of the things they’ll be evaluated on, so they need to get it right. In an interview, she says that Michael is too focused on the look and design of the rooms and not interested enough in how they’ll treat their guests. She follows him around the motel, arguing about how important customer service is.

I think both Verna and Michael are right. If they’re going to be evaluated on customer service, then that aspect of the challenge can’t be ignored. But on the other hand, who cares about Verna’s stupid welcome packages if there aren’t any beds in the rooms. Michael should have told Verna what her budget was and asked her to come up with some ideas and get back to him. That way she’d have been happy, the team would have had a plan for customer service, and Michael would have been able to focus on the renovations.

Net Worth starts making a list of things that need to be done. Chris feels confident because he has a background in renovations. The women go to Target, which is perhaps my favorite store, to buy pillows and blankets. I love Target! Meanwhile, Brian negotiates with the contractors. He tells us in an interview, “I think my performance in this task on negotiating alone is an education for all my teammates.” The sheer arrogance of that statement made me think, “This guy is going to get fired this week.” Let’s see if I’m right, shall we? Craig comes in and is surprised to learn that among the things Brian negotiated was to replace a bunch of toilets. They had been planning on just getting new seats. And Craig, John, and Chris had done an inventory of what needed to be replaced, and toilets were not on the list. Brian ignores him. Craig says it’s a ridiculous waste of money to buy new toilets so that they all look the same, because who is going to know?

At Target, Tana holds up a bath mat and squeals about how cute it is. She better snatch that thing up fast before Erin from the other team comes by and wears it as a shirt. They get a call from Brian and learn about the new toilets. Audrey tries to argue that they don’t need new toilets, just seats. Brian says it’s a done deal, so they all might as well get used to it. Audrey declares, “If we lose this task, it will be because Brian made the decision to throw away 14 toilets that people @#$% in.” She continues swearing about it, then tells us, “Your ass doesn’t know the difference,” between a cheap toilet and an expensive one. Thank you, Audrey, for giving me the title to this recap.