The Simple Life 3: Interns, Episode 4: Ashes to Ashes

Nicole and Paris head by bus to meet their newest host family, the Hirrels. Mom Lynn and dad Mickey seem to have a hobby in common: smoking. We see a montage of the two of them smoking like dragons. Lynn, between cigs, says that she’s excited to meet the girls. Mickey takes a drag on his cigarette and says that they’ll be the talk of the town. Lynn and her daughter Siobhan meet the girls at the bus stop as Lynn coughs a hacking cough. Lovely. The girls meet the family, and Nicole asks, “Do you love your cigs?” Mickey doesn’t hear her, so she repeats, “Do you love the cigs, dear?” I know that I love Nicole! Mickey says that he’s been smoking since he was 14. “Does it bother you? Because you have to get over it.” Hee! Now, I don’t like smoking, but hey, the man is in his own house, so that’s pretty darned funny.

The girls admire a picture of Lynn and Mickey that was obviously taken in the ‘70s. I’m sure it will come as no surprise to hear that the picture is “hot.” Mickey and Lynn then begin to list a litany of family members who have died of cancer. Mickey admits that he needs to quit, and the girls offer to help while they’re there. I’m sure that nicotine, one of the most addictive drugs there is, is no match for Paris and Nicole.

Paris begins by presenting Lynn and Mickey with the patch and the gum. The couple is really pleased, saying they know how expensive that stuff is. “There’s no price on life,” Nicole says seriously. And just so we don’t take Nicole too seriously, she also hands Mickey a large item blurred out with an XXX, “to take your mind off of it.” That’s hot.

Paris and Nicole have the obligatory scene before going to sleep in which they wonder what their job will be. They exchange an “I love you, bitch,” before going to sleep.

The next morning, Lynn proudly declares that she is not going to smoke. Paris slaps a nicotine patch on Mickey, and the girls have them pinky swear not to smoke.

The girls arrive at their internship, which is at Kohler funeral home. Paris wonders what a funeral home is, and Nicole says that it is where funerals are held. It would get fairly exhausting to have to explain things like that all the time, a phenomenon I can probably expect when my son is around three. Both of them say that they are scared of dead people. Nicole says she can’t even watch Michael Jackson’s “Thriller” video. Well, sure, if you think corpses regularly come to life and dance in formation, I can see why you’d be afraid of them.

Inside, Nicole and Paris meet their Humorless Boss of the Week, John. In his role as HBOTW, John tells them about how important it is to handle the business with dignity and respect. I’m sorry, but what a load of crap. If you want your business to be conducted with dignity and respect, you don’t invite the wacky Paris and Nicole to work there. John has the girls watch a funeral service, and tells the camera that with this internship, he intends to see if the funeral business suits the girls, and vice versa. Again, what a load of crap. Nobody really believes that Paris and Nicole are going to love this job so much that they’ll give up their lives as partying socialites to start the Hilton and Richie funeral home.

After the service is over, the girls have to load a coffin into the hearse. John tells them not to scratch the coffin, so the girls immediately rake it against the door. Then, with the coffin loaded up, John says, “There’s a body in the car, so drive nicely.” Once again, an HBOTW waves the red flag to the bulls.

Paris says she wants a hot chocolate, so Nicole pulls into 7-11 to get her one. It would have been funnier if they’d taken the hearse through the drive-through, but no matter. The girls browse around 7-11, and Nicole offers to make a hot chocolate for one of the workers there. John fulfills the next part of his role as HBOTW by suddenly emerging and telling the girls to get serious and go. They do, but not before Paris buys a copy of Stuff with her sister on the cover.

Back in the car, Nicole flips on the radio. Hey, they’re playing “Brick House,” and Nicole is excited to hear one of her dad’s songs. Proud daughter that she is, she cranks it up, and she and Paris dance in their seats to the sounds of the Commodores. Naturally, John objects and says, “Respect, please.”

Next, the girls need to unload the coffin onto a wheeled cart. They struggle to move it, and Paris goes so far as to shove it with her foot. The scene, if you think about it, is fairly ridiculous. That coffin, with a body in it, would be really heavy. Are you telling me that two girls whose workouts probably consist mainly of Pilates, are supposed to haul it all over the place? Paris freaks out because the coffin is slipping, and Nicole is just relieved to know that’s all, that she didn’t see “an arm or something.”

Paris and Nicole shovel dirt into a grave and debate the merits of burial versus cremation. Paris favors cremation because, “at least you get a pretty box.” Nicole wants to be buried in New Orleans because you get “your own house,” and the funerals look like fun. Paris then decides that she will be frozen. Well, hey, she can afford it.