The Simple Life 3: Interns, Episode 5: Fantastic Plastic

As I’m sure you’ve read, Paris Hilton’s Blackberry was recently hacked (that’s not a euphemism), and the phone numbers and email addresses of many of her celebrity friends were posted on the internet. As you might have guessed, the contact information for one Nicole Richie was included. As the sexy people who regularly read my columns know, I (heart) Nicole. And I have to admit, I was tempted to call her. But I have a feeling that the phone conversation would have gone something like, “I love you! You are so awesome! I love you, and I totally think we could be friends!” and so on, until Nicole would promptly hang up the phone and get a restraining order. So I resisted.

And now, on with the show. Paris and Nicole are on the bus, cruising through Pennsylvania. A guy in the seat next to theirs has some serious facial tics going on and apologizes to them, saying that he has Tourette’s syndrome. Nicole asks if it makes him swear, giving some examples. He says that sometimes it does. Meanwhile, Paris is applying a lip treatment that is supposed to make your lips appear bigger. Nicole wants to try it and convinces Tourette’s Guy to try it with her. Paris tells him that his lips look sexy. Nicole declares, “We love you, Twitchell!” and sits on his lap.

Dodie Scalafani is excited to meet the girls and to introduce them to her two sons and daughter. The boys are waiting to meet the bus, and Paris surprisingly says that the guys are not hot. Nicole looks at them out the window and says that they’re the kind of guys who think they’re really cute, which makes them far less attractive. I know exactly what she’s talking about. And she definitely has C.J. pegged at least – he tells us in an interview that he gets hit on all the time and wouldn’t be surprised if Paris was into him. Dodie tells us, “They can touch my sons, I don’t care.”

At the house, Nicole asks C.J. if he’s considered a stud in his town. He attempts modesty and calls himself “an ex-stud.” Nicole asks if that’s because he got ugly, an idea that shocks him. He says it’s because he has a girlfriend. He goes to get their luggage, and Nicole calls after him, “Thanks, you ex-stud muffin.”

I love that girl. Maybe I should call her and tell her that. Nah.

Dodie tells the girls she’s going to make meatballs. Paris says, “We love balls.” Dodie hates to disappoint, but clarifies - meatballs. Nicole says, “We love those, too.” Dodie cracks up. The girls ask her if she’s been dating, and Nicole says that with her cute hair and cute body, men must love her. You can tell Dodie would love to keep the girls around! They convince the second son, who I think is named Mike (and will be for the rest of this article) to sit next to them. Nicole asks what color his nipples are, then has a number of follow up questions about colors of his body. Mike says he’s shocked at some of the things she’s been asking.

Time for work, this week at the offices of Eric Marchant, a plastic surgeon. The doctor does his Humorless Boss of the Week duty and tells them that they must be professional and treat the patients with respect. Paris is very upset to hear that they may see blood and says she’ll throw up. Nicole, on the other hand, says she loves blood. Dr. Marchant says that they’ll see a lip augmentation, eyelid surgery, and liposuction. Paris hides under her jacket in disgust while Nicole looks interested.

The first procedure isn’t too scary – microdermabrasion. Nicole cleans the patient’s face and asks if it feels good. The woman says it does, but that’s not enough for Nicole, who demands, “Tell me it feels good.” If I call her, I’m going to mention how funny that was. Okay, I’m not going to call her. Paris works on the woman’s face, then tries the instrument on Nicole. When the procedure is done, the nurse puts a big ice mask on the woman’s face, and the girls tell her that she looks younger already.

The next procedure is lip augmentation, and Paris can’t even look in the patient’s direction. Nicole tells him that when it’s over, he’ll be beautiful and will get tons of French kisses. As Nicole watches the surgery, Paris leaves to vomit. She tells the nurse that she can’t go back into the operating room. The nurse says that’s okay, that Paris can give the patients juice and crackers, maybe hold their hands. Paris says she’ll hold guys’ hands… if they’re cute.

Next up is an eye lift. Nicole scrubs in, accidentally touches her mask, and needs to scrub in again. This procedure is repeated three times! As the surgeon works, Nicole’s job is to dab at the blood with a cotton swab. She asks the doctor if she is a plastic surgeon now. He says that she’s as much a plastic surgeon as he is a supermodel.

Paris talks to Eric, the guy who had his lips done. She tells him that his lips look sexy, and hands him a juice box. Meanwhile, in the operating room, Nicole asks the patient if she’d like them to save the pieces of the eyelid that they cut off in a jar. Paris takes Eric’s pulse, then in a moment of shameless self-promotion, reads to him from the book that she “wrote.” After Eric’s recovery is over, she walks him to his car. He invites her to go out clubbing with him, and she takes his cigarette away and stubs it out. Eric says Paris was a big help.

Nicole gets bored with dabbing at blood and asks if she can tie off the stitches. The doctor says no, in spite of the fact that Nicole says she can tie bows in her shoes. It’s still a no.