The Princes of Malibu, Episode 5: Revenge is a Dish Best Served Sold

Previously, on The Princes of Malibu, Brody parked his car in David’s slot one too many times, so David arranged to have it towed to Phoenix, Arizona. Brandon, Brody, and Spencer requisitioned David’s private jet to take them there, but decided to stop in Las Vegas on the way. After using David’s name to get a high roller suite at Caesar’s Palace, they got stuck with the bill. To pay it off, they hosted a convention of Elvis Impersonators on the laws of Casablanca, featuring items from Linda’s days of dating Elvis, and corporate sponsorship from McDonalds.

The episode begins with David asking Linda what all of that was about. She’s not terribly thrilled, but says it was crazy, but kind of fun. David suggests putting his own ex-wives on the lawn the next day. Linda is proud that David showed restraint, and says she will talk to her sons.

David decides to escalate the war by hiring a bricklayer. David even helps them get started.

Brandon, Brody, Spencer, and Chappy (a friend of theirs) eat out while, brick by brick, a couple of walls are built barricading Brody and Brandon’s rooms. David gets a thrill out of stooping to their level, and while Brandon and Brody are shocked, Spencer gets a kick out of it. They go outside and find their stuff has been chucked in the backyard. Brandon says it is personal now. They decide to sleep in the pool house. They set up cushions on a pool table, and bed down for the night.

The next day, Linda freaks out when she sees the bricks where the bedroom doors should be. She goes into the studio and asks David what is wrong with him. She tells him he’s inconvenienced her sons, violated her trust, and is being destructive to “our” property. She says it’s her house as well. In his defense, David tells her it felt good.

Linda goes off to tell Brandon and Brody how exasperated with the conditions they’ve created. She tells them they are caught up in madness with David, with each of them trying to one-up each other. It’s ridiculous. Brandon says he slept fine on the sofa. Linda says she’s really upset with David - she could wring his neck. However, if you expected her to convince Brandon and Brody to do something like, say, get real jobs or something, you’d be wrong. She gives some ideas on how to turn the pool house into nice living quarters. Brandon, Brody, and Spencer keep trying to sleep, and Brody calls her Martha Stewart. She tells them to “pimp out” the place. She tells them to feel free to go to the house and in a midst of slogans, she tells them to pull down anything they need from it.

Once awake, the trio translates her talk into the simple statement of “take anything you want from the house.” So they do. Lamps, candy machines, art, and the big popcorn maker all make their way to the new living space. They even take some of David’s Grammys and photographs off the walls. They say it’s way better than living in the house, and Brandon says if David wants to go to war, well, he’s got himself a war.

In the main house, David tells us in the midst of everything that had happened so far, he forgot Linda was planning one of her wacky charity events. It’s a doggie fashion show. It certainly looks like a society party for dogs, complete with catered dog treats. David wonders where the sofa and chairs are, and finally finds them in the pool house, along with a bunch of other stuff. He tells the trio that the stuff was his, and that the upstairs Jacuzzi has been running for two days. It’s now off limits to them. Brandon tells him that he’s paying rent and better be allowed to use it. David retorts they haven’t paid anything to him yet. He takes he stuff back, and decides to adopt a new parenting technique - revenge.

He proceeds to grab their stuff, including a whole bunch of snowboards, musical instruments, and other items. He’s going to open his own discount store, with name brands like Brandon’s, Brody’s, and Spencer’s. He puts up signs for a yard sale all around the neighborhood. As Linda’s charity event people show up, David has an idea. He figures if people will buy clothing for dogs, they’ll buy anything. He stops cars as they arrive, and starts the sale. David Hasselhoff is one of them, but he doesn’t buy anything and David (Foster) refers to him as a cheap bastard.

Linda holds the doggie fashion show, which features appearances by Dick Van Dyke, Brooke Shields, and Wink Martindale. While that goes on, Brandon, Brody, and Spencer crawl out of bed and wonder what David is doing. Well, David is selling stuff to Cheech Marin. Then to Casey, Brandon and Brody’s sister. But not David’s daughter. Or Linda’s daughter for that matter. She’s Bruce Jenner’s daughter. I tell you, you can’t keep track of who is related to whom (by blood or marriage) without a scorecard. Brooke Shields leaves without buying anything, and flips David the bird as she drives by. He thinks Linda put her up to that.

David is in the middle of another sales attempt when Brandon, Brody, and Spencer arrive. They can’t believe he is selling their stuff. They ask him if it is for real, and David describes all the bargains that people got. David says that in his world, people get up at 7:00 a.m. and work 15-16 hours to get ahead. Brandon says they aren’t living in his world. David points at Casablanca and says that is HIS world. Brandon says they are his kids, and David says they aren’t kids anymore. They are 23 and 21, and it’s time for them to move on. He says he’s known them since they were four and two, and he’s trying to make a point. He wants them to “get it” and he won’t stop until he’s made his point.

I don’t think they get it yet. They take a photograph of one of David’s Grammy awards. I think they are putting it on eBay.

Upcoming, on The Princes of Malibu, Brandon, Brody, and Spencer decide to hold a tribute party for David on the front lawn. When David arrives by helicopter, he’s less than happy.

Jeffrey Clinard lives in Las Vegas, Nevada, with his cats, Lam and Princess. He can be reached at realityfeedback@bookslv.com

Be sure to sign up for our e-mail update so you can stay informed about new articles on the site! For more news about this show, be sure to check out SirLinksALot’s The Princes of Malibu page!