Queer Eye for the Apprentice Guy

So, I’m watching a Tivoed episode of my favorite reality TV show not covered by Reality News Online, Queer Eye for the Straight Guy. Why don’t we cover Queer Eye? Well, we have to draw the line somewhere for what shows we do and don’t cover, and since Queer Eye doesn’t have an ongoing storyline every week, it doesn’t fall under our umbrella. But this week, the Straight Guy in question is none other than polyester loving Danny, who we know from The Apprentice 3. This crossover means that I am recapping this bad boy!

The Fab Five are in their SUV, headed for a straight guy emergency. The guy is, of course, 40-year-old Danny Kastner, and Jai excitedly asks, “Danny from The Apprentice Danny?” The one and only! Carson recalls Danny as looking like he “combed his hair with a pork chop.” Someone else brings up his vast collection of leisure suits, and Carson is quick to set the record straight: “Leisure. Suit. Oxymoron.” Jai reminds us that the one time Danny served as project manager on The Apprentice, he showed such a lack of leadership and such an inability to make decisions that he got fired.

Kyan fills us in on what’s happening with Danny now – he’s started a foundation called School Bus Rock that partners with Big Brothers/Big Sisters to pair kids with music mentors. The guys think it’s a great idea and a terrific cause. But, Jai says, Danny doesn’t have much of a plan for his big event to launch the foundation – something casual with pizza. No, good, they agree. They need a big event with big names, and Carson orders Jai to get “The Donald” on the phone. Jai whips out his cell and, in a nod to a clearly scripted part of the show, says, “I can’t believe I have his number.” Trump reminds us of why he fired Danny – he was “too much of a consensus taker,” and Trump believes Danny loved music more than he loved the corporate world. Trump says, though, that after the Fab Five have their way with Danny (hot), if they bring him back to the boardroom, he’ll give Danny a second chance. The Fab Five hang up the phone and agree to take Danny “from Trump-ed to triumphant!”

With the plan in place, the boys dash in to Danny’s apartment. Danny’s place is actually located on top of a vintage clothing store, a fact that is definitely not helping Danny’s fashion issues. Danny opens the door, and if you can believe it, he actually looks like more of a mess than he did on the show. He’s still in the hideous red polyester leisure suit, his hair is a long, scraggly mess dangling in his eyes, and his face is covered in patchy stubble. Kyan has his work cut out for him! Carson wastes no time in getting Danny out of the ugly jacket. Thom checks out Danny’s apartment, noting that he also runs his business from there. Danny admits that his plans for the launch of his charity are kind of vague. Ted finds a guitar autographed by Danny’s fellow Apprentice contestants, or as Ted more accurately puts it, “all the people he irritated on The Apprentice.” Kyan introduces himself to some of Danny’s employees and learns that Danny is not the most organized guy in the world. Carson admires Danny’s hideous dime-store ring. Thom finds a huge Transformer action figure on someone’s desk and attacks Ted with it, noting that such a toy is crucial for an important presentation.

Look out, Danny- Carson has found your closet. Carson is disturbed by Danny’s huge collection of ascots. Danny thinks ascots are cool, but Carson quickly tells him that the first two letters are “A-S,” so you figure out the rest. Thom finds a Nerf gun and starts stalking everyone. Carson, as you’d expect, finds Danny’s wardrobe to be absolutely horrendous, particularly the peach and mint green polyester suits. Danny is worried that Carson will change him too much. Carson promises not to “mess with your mojo.” Just as Ted proclaims that Danny’s apartment is “not that bad,” Thom finds a crusty old tissue on the floor. Carson tells Danny that they’ll need a team name for later, suggesting Team Queen.

Inevitably, Kyan gets on the subject of Danny’s hair. More than anything, he wants it out of Danny’s eyes. That would go a long way to helping. He and Ted agree that long hair suits Danny, but that it’s too long now to work in any way in the corporate world. Ted suggests it would be okay, “if he worked in a place that just sold bongs.” Kyan answers, “Absolutely. I’d buy a bong from him.” Carson admires a pair of platform shoes that you just have to see- the heels are clear plastic and have a pair of dice floating in them. Classy! Danny plays with a Donald Trump doll and does a decent imitation of Trump. They all sit at the piano, and Danny does a lounge singer rendition of what he’s about to undertake.

”The irony,” Kyan says, ‘is that this group of people is going to help you focus.” The guys calm down enough to do just that. They tell him that they love the name of the foundation. Danny’s goal for the event is to raise awareness of his organization, to launch it, and to raise money. Ted asks Danny about his time on The Apprentice, and Danny admits to being “a bit of an oddball.” That’s one way of putting it! Jai adds that he was really scattered, and here we see some great clips from the show of everyone looking annoyed with Danny. Danny says that he’s really good at motivating people, but that skill didn’t really help him on the show.

Danny owns up to having no real plan for the launch. Carson chirps, “Let’s do a ‘to do’ list. They change the world.” Sometimes I really feel that way! Jai writes down the goals on a big pad of paper: raise awareness, raise money, put together a look (both for Danny and for the party), and find a location. The Fab Five tell Danny that instead of retreating to their loft to watch him work, they’ll actually work the event, and he’ll be in charge of them – he will be their project manager. Thom sports a Trump-like hairpiece and practices firing people. This is probably a good place to mention that I love Thom. I think he’s incredibly talented and is probably the funniest one on the show. I adore the way he says the word horrible, pronouncing it “harr-i-bull!” Thom, if you’re reading this, you rock! But I digress. Ted tells Danny that after it’s all over, he’ll go back to the boardroom to face Trump again. They share a group hug, and Danny has a name for the team. He says that he had a favorite phrase when he was on The Apprentice and thus dubs them “Team Unbelievable”! Wow, that “unbelievable” thing was annoying. I’d almost forgotten.