Battle of the Network Reality Stars, Episode 3 – The Crazy New Captain

As I’m sure you remember, last week teams competed friendly during Simon Says, but it turned into all out war in dodgeball. Team Miz took the day, and Team Coral, finishing last, had to dispose of two players - Charla and Duncan. In a twist, team Miz placed Gervase and Tina Fabulous, from Team Gervase, with Team Coral, and Team Gervase received two new players – Jerri Manthey and David Daskal. Tonight, someone is going home! Cue the music!

Wow, that was fast. I’m back already! Mike Adamle welcomes us. It’s now week three, and by the end of this episode, one team will be eliminated. Trishelle, Omarosa, and Bob Guiney are here as usual to help out with sideline reporting. Today, teams will compete in football, a soap box derby and a relay race. It’s time to check up on the teams in the locker room.

Team Coral is first this week. Gervase says he’s disappointed to change teams, but he’s rolling with the punches. Remember, on Team Coral are Will Wikle, Coral, Gervase, Adam Mesh, Evan Marriott, Rachel, Melissa, and Tina Fabulous. Evan says there will be six on the relay race, while Adam tries to take over the team, and it’s clear that he’s having issues with Coral. Gervase thinks they are a solid team, and probably stronger than the team that he just came from.

Team Miz is up next, noting that they know they just made Team Coral a little stronger with their switch. Jonathan, and some of the others from Team (?) come in and start ranting to Mike that what he did was wrong. Heidi tells the camera that it’s a game and everyone needs to stop crying. I agree, but you can never make Jonathan shut up, so why even try? Burton doesn’t seem to care what Jonathan has to say either. Team Miz is made up of Bradford, Richard Hatch, Ryan Starr, Mirna, Heidi, Valerie, Burton, and of course, the Miz. They get down to business and form a game plan.

Now, it’s time to check in on Team (?). Mike Boogie says that they need a team captain, and Jonathan steps up right away saying that it’s him. Chris and Boogie don’t want that (who can blame them) and decide to draw from a hat again. Of course, since luck is not on Team (?)’s side, Jonathan is the captain now, and they will be known throughout this recap as Team Crazy. Chris tells the camera that nobody will pay attention to Jonathan anyway, and they’ll be laughing at him, not with him. Team Crazy has the following members: Brittany, Boogie, Jerri, Jonathan & Victoria, Wendy, David Daskal, and Chris Russo. Jonathan continues to try and sign people up for evens, demanding to know everyone’s weight. Chris fills us in that Jonathan is weight-obsessed and bases every strategy on that. This guy truly is a whack job!

Team Chip is up last, and they consist of Matt Gould, Sue Hawk, Will Kirby, Chip & Kim, Nikki, Theo, and Brian Worth. Matt thinks that his team is underestimating him, and he wants to do football, and redeem himself from the joust. Chip is scared that people say they are good at things, but aren’t. Matt is confident he’ll do well in football though, which is our first event.

William Katt, from The Greatest American Hero is with us today. He participated in Battle of the Network Stars when it last aired. Everyone begins to sing his old theme song, and William looks humbled and mortified at the same time. Who could blame him? There will be four plays for each team from the 15 yard line. There will be two receivers and one quarterback. Points can be earned in numerous ways, by getting a touchdown, in the end zone, penalties, and sacks. Team Miz will face Team Crazy, and Team Coral will play Team Chip. The winners will face off in the final.

We begin with Team Miz vs. Team Crazy, and it isn’t pretty. David Daskal screws up, Boogie yells at him, and Burton makes a touchdown. Miz interferes with a play, giving Team Crazy some points, and then Burton is sacked. For the last play, Miz intercepts and his team wins, making Boogie dig deep into Daskal, and they go at it for awhile. David doesn’t think it was his fault, but Boogie isn’t happy, and Chris Russo still really thinks that David is merely an actor. I don’t think so Chris, I think he really is that dorky!

Team Coral gets ready for their game, and all of a sudden, there is a dispute with who is playing. Adam says something rude to Coral, which was a mistake, and sends her on a cursing binge. Evan says that Adam is in it for the money alone, and he is there to have some fun. Wait, isn’t Adam supposed to be loaded? I would think $10,000 is a drop in the bucket for him. Maybe times are tough! The game begins and Tina Fabulous makes a good catch. Nikki makes a touchdown as well, and mumbles something in her native tongue, which sounds like a mix between trailer trash and country slang. I’m not quite sure. Matt Gould does well for his team, while Adam throws an interception to Matt. Matt is just happy that he has redeemed himself, and now they will be in the final. Of course, the first place team will receive 100 points, 75 for second, 50 for third, and last place gets 25 pity points.

The consolation game is held first, and just to fill you in quickly, Team Coral wins and Team Crazy is in last. During the game, Rachel bumps her head and flips out on the camera. I don’t understand how she won The Swan. She’s really not that pretty. I guess I should have seen the “before” picture. Anyway, the final game is action packed. Burton gets upset with his team, but manages to connect with Rich and Miz for some points. Rich does this touchdown dance that can only be compared to the dancing baby from Ally McBeal. In one word: Gross. It comes down to just one play, and Team Miz leading by two. There is only one play left, and Matt wants it to be thrown to him, since he feels Rich can’t cover him. Chip does as he asks, and connects with Matt, giving Team Chip the win!

Matt, and the rest of Team Chip, talks to Trishelle because she has nothing else to do. They all tease one another, and give credit to Brian Worth for his sack. He says that he just wanted to be Rudy (from the movie Rudy, not from Survivor). Boogie is still going off on David Daskal, for blowing it for Team Crazy. David still doesn’t think it’s his fault, and Adam is talking trash on his captain, Coral. Coral tells the camera that Adam is at “that time of the month,” not to mention that he’s in his second trimester. Cute. So right now, the placement is as follows – Team Chip, Team Miz, Team Coral, and Team Crazy.

Next comes this segment with special fashion correspondent, Austin Scarlett, but it’s so inane and trite, that I’m not going to bore you with it. I will mention that it looks like he’s wearing a green trash bag though. What the hell is going on with these people?

The second event will be the soap box derby. Teams have 30 minutes to build their car. Jerri says that if you want drama, you make a group of people build something. Everyone is scrambling, and Wendy admits that she’s more interested in putting flame decals on Team Crazy’s soap box. Will says he wasn’t blessed with many things, which I find hard to believe since he’s a doctor, and he’s good looking, but he knows how to make a soap box. Jonathan, of course, tells his team not to worry about brakes since he won’t need them. Will Wikle thinks his team made a good soapbox stew. Chris Russo just reiterates to the camera that Jonathan better not screw their team up.