Survivor: Guatemala, Episode 7: The Halloween Costume Party

Recently, I got a call from Mark Burnett (not really, but please play along), asking me to consult with the remaining ten players, who were going to celebrate the merge with a Halloween costume party. I decided to start with Judd, just to get it out of the way.

Before we got started, he tried to shirk responsibility for his behavior at the last tribal council, saying Margaret pushed his buttons and he put her in her place. I looked at him with a wry grin and said, “Yep, there’s nothing like a nice temper tantrum on national television to prove your point.” The doorman just glared at me like he wanted to put ME through the door face first. He then claimed he couldn’t take it anymore, and I wondered to myself how many viewers feel that way about HIM. For that matter, I wondered how many players will come to see him that way now that the merge is here.

But I digress. I jokingly suggested he dress up as a “loose cannon,” and he gave me another icy stare, and said he felt a “big teddy bear” costume would be more appropriate to his character. “Judd,” I was thinking, “You may be a big teddy bear, but you certainly don’t play one on TV.”

I then suggested he go as a church mouse, and when he gave me a puzzled look, I reminded him of the expression “quiet as a church mouse.” At that point, the self-proclaimed “teddy bear” looked at me like he was going to maul me like a grizzly. We finally agreed he would go as Tom Petty, since he proclaimed he “won’t back down” from anyone who challenges him. I then realized why we don’t see a lot of confessionals from Judd: It would be pointless, since he doesn’t hide his feelings anyway.

By the way, the line of the week goes to RNO reader Scott, who writes me on a regular basis. Addressing the question of whether or not Judd has A.D.D., Scott stated, “Judd may or may not have A.D.D. but he definitely has J.E.R.K.” Now THAT is a line I wish I’d written. Maybe I should’ve suggested Judd go as beef jerky, since he’s beefy and—well, you know the rest.

Then came Jamie. At first I suggested he go as a butcher, and then remarked, “Oh yeah, you’re not too handy with a knife are you?” The Georgia native looked at me like he was about to make grits out of me.

After that we talked a bit, and he told me has wasn’t bothered by Judd’s behavior, and in fact wanted to keep him around to go against him in final tribal council. He then told me about the “birthday party,” and how he wasn’t interested in participating. I kept telling him “Jamie, that’s not nice,” but he didn’t seem to hear me. Then he explained how he went but chose not to mingle, instead sitting back and watching everyone else. He explained this was a business trip, and the others should treat it as such.

I suggested we put him in a three-piece suit and have him go as a CEO because he was “all-business,” which made him chuckle. I told him how he reminded me of how Brian, winner of Thailand, said it was all a business trip, even if his attire was a bathing suit and beard. Jamie laughed and said, “Well, I’m not going as a porn star OR used-car salesman. And I’m not sure which would be worse,” and I replied, “Jamie, that’s not nice.” I then suggested a scorpion costume, because, as I told him, “With the way you were sitting back and observing instead of mingling, you may just be silent but deadly.” Eventually, he went as a lion, because he’s hoping when it’s all over to be “King of the jungle.”

Then there was Danni. Since it was her birthday, she went with my suggestion to go as a cake with a candle on top, and said she was sweet as a birthday cake. I told her the irony was that she looks like she hasn’t eaten a piece of cake in her whole life. After all, has anyone on Survivor ever had a more muscular looking abdomen?

Folks, let me tell you, this lady must do some serious cardio. After all, you can have the greatest abs in the world, but they may be hidden under a layer of fat if you don’t do cardio to melt off any extra pounds. This sport-talk host not only talks the talk, she looks like she walks the walk, or at least “crunches the crunch.”

Up next was Lydia. I suggested the fishmonger go as a herring, and she laughed and said, “As long as the costume doesn’t SMELL like a herring.” Then I harked back to her performance a few weeks back, and suggested she go as Mighty Mouse, and she happily took me up on it.

Then came Rafe. After the way he got to sit in on the other tribe’s tribal council last week, I suggested he go as a huge pair of all-seeing eyes. I also threw out the suggestion that he go as a fly, since he got to be a fly on the wall at that same tribal council. Finally, I noted the playing cards he’d made out of leaves and paint, and had him go as a blackjack dealer.

Then came Gary. I told him he should go as a football player, and explain to the others, “You already think it anyway, so what’s the difference?” He said no to that, so I suggested he go as a sheep, since he’s pulling the wool over everyone’s eyes, or trying to. Instead, he capitalized on his height and went as a giraffe.

Up next was Brandon. Thinking back to a previous reward challenge, I suggested Brandon go as a knife-thrower, since he was obviously skilled with sharp instruments. Brandon didn’t go for that, saying knives are for cutting, not throwing.

He commented to me that the rules of Survivor don’t include deceiving, manipulation, or alliances. I thought to myself that if he really believed that, maybe he should go dressed as Pollyanna, since he seemed about that naïve. He then said people do those things to get closer to the seven-figure check, and it was like selling your soul. I suggested maybe he should go as the devil, and he shot me a look that cut through me as easily as he cut through the rope.

Eventually, he decided to go as a pirate and carry around a sword, another sharp object. I thought about how ironic it was that someone who could so easily cut through rope didn’t understand the importance of sometimes cutting throats.