American Idol, 1/24: Go, Simon. It’s Your Birthday!

Ryan welcomes us to Greensboro, North Carolina. North Carolina has brought us some great Idol performers, namely Fantasia and Clay Aiken. Greensboro, according to Ryan is a small town. My good friend the Internet tells me that there are over 220,000 people in Greensboro, so while it’s not New York, it’s not exactly Dogpatch either. Anyway, the judges are all hopeful that North Carolina will bring them more talent.

Will our first contestant, Sabrina Oakley, be part of it? Sabrina says that she regularly wins karaoke contests and has been told that she sounds like Faith Hill. She starts to sing “Lean on Me,” and I’m questioning the talent pool at her local karaoke bar. Simon tells her that she’d be better for the Jerry Springer Show than Idol. Suffice it to say, it’s a no. She leaves the audition room and tells everyone what Simon said about Jerry Springer. She’s looking for sympathy, but she won’t get it from this crowd – they just laugh at her.

Cachet Robinson promises to have the “total package,” and admits to singing in the shower. She sings “I’m Every Woman,” and although she belts it, she’s not good. She actually stops at one point because she forgot the words. Paula says that she didn’t even recognize the song. Simon tells her, “I mean… in a kind way, it was appalling.” Well, as long as he meant it kindly.

We get a quick montage of bad auditions, culminating with Simon screaming. You and me both, baby.

Our next contestant is Kellie Pickler. Kellie works as a roller skating waitress (just like Paris and Nicole did on The Simple Life). She lives with her grandpa because her mother left her when she was two and her father has been in and out of prison for her whole life. She’s singing Kelly Clarkson’s “Since U Been Gone,” and hey- she’s great! I’m glad Kelly cleared that song. “Wow,” says Paula. I can absolutely see Kellie in the Top Twelve. Paula loves her. Simon thinks she oversang the song a bit, but he still likes her. She makes it through and is overwhelmed by tears. “That’s a nice girl,” Simon says. “I would like to see her do well.” Kellie says she can’t wait to call her grandpa and write her dad. Aww!

Shawn DeSalazar has a poster board that informs us that he is “On a Mission to Revive the Standards.” He’s wearing a tuxedo and an unfortunate moustache. His adorable mullet-sporting little brother has total faith in him. Shawn sings “That Old Black Magic,” and to be honest, he’s a heck of a lot better than I thought he’d be, based on the gimmicky poster. Simon thinks he’s average, and Randy says he reminds him of a “singing waiter.” Paula says he has a nice voice, but that the outfit was distracting. She tells him that he’s not right for the competition. Count on Paula to soften the blow. And count on Simon to kick someone in the back – as Shawn leaves, Simon calls, “I’ll have a coffee.” Shawn’s brother thinks he doesn’t need Idol, and that the whole thing is “baloney.”

Several of the contestants have brought props with them, and Richard Garland is no exception. He has with him a ventriloquist’s dummy. He tells the judges that he got rid of the dummy when he was 14, because it just wasn’t cool anymore, but that now he’ll give it to Paula. Scottie- the dummy- says hi to the judges. Paula can only say, “That’s so weird.” Richard sings “Flying Without Wings,” which he performed for his wife on their wedding day. He has a totally decent voice, but Simon wonders if he has star quality. Randy thinks his singing is okay. In the end, the judges agree that he’s not quite strong enough (which makes their letting Crazy Dave through all the more perplexing). Simon assures him, with a nod toward Paula, that there’s nothing wrong with working with a dummy. Sometimes, Simon, the jokes are too easy.

Ronda Jones has a pink cowboy hat and a speaking voice like Lisa Simpson, only squeakier. She’s like if Lisa Simpson and Minnie Mouse sucked some helium. She says that her mom tells her that she’s like a cross between Britney Spears and Carrie Underwood, but admits that her mom doesn’t know anything about music. She sings “As Long As You Love Me” and sounds like a cartoon. Simon says she sounded just like the original. Ronda starts to beg. She’s adorable she tells him, and she wants this “more than a whole bag of gummy bears.” Ugh. Randy and Paula tell her no, and Simon says he would have said yes. Ronda leaves the audition room and gets a hug from Ryan to feel better.

Next up is Sgt. Steven David, Jr, in his National Guard uniform. He comes in and immediately drools over Paula, begs her to dance with him, and I brace myself for a bad audition. Imagine my surprise when he busts out with an incredible version of “Let’s Get It On.” Paula erupts into giggles, as she often does when a cute boy sings to her, and Randy and Simon guide her up to dance with Steven. Randy dances also, in the background. Paula stands up with Steven to be judged. “This is a weird show,” understates Randy. All three judges like him, especially Paula. She leaps up and wraps her legs around him, and he carries her outside… where his wife is waiting. Steven’s wife is not one bit upset about the pop star attached to his husband, since he’s got that golden Hollywood ticket in his hand. The three of them share a hug, and Paula returns to her post saying, “That guy can sing his butt off.”

Halicia Thompson is at the audition with 15 family members. Halicia tells the judges that she has an 11-year old kid, then proceeds to sing the stuffing out of “It’s a Different World.” She sounds like the star of any church choir and has remarkable confidence. Simon tells her that she’s a natural. Halicia says that she wants to kiss Simon, and offers to do it through plastic in case he’s weird about germs from kissing random people. Simon wants no part of the plastic, gives Halicia a kiss, and a yes to Hollywood. Paula and Randy agree, and Halicia’s family celebrates.