The Simple Life 4, ‘Til Death Do Us Part, Episode 6: The Caddyshack Incident

Paris chats with a pregnant friend and says she’s scared of babies. She is horrified to learn the details of breastfeeding. Her friend admits that all of her shirts were stained with breastmilk after she had her first child. Paris shudders.

Meanwhile, at a book signing, Nicole asks a pair of little kids if they’re married. A pair of little kids are giddy to meet her. We pan to a bunch of t-shirts that say TEAM PARIS and TEAM NICOLE. I would totally buy a Nicole shirt. Another young kid demonstrates his best runway walk for Nicole. He makes it work.

Morning dawns, and the girls get ready to meet the Murrie family. The challenge this week is one near and dear to my heart – taking care of a toddler. I have a 19-month old son, so I know what crazy, funny, and unpredictable little people they can be. Jessica introduces her sons Sean, 2, Liam 6, and her husband David. Sean trips and falls on his way to meet Paris and starts to cry. Nicole reviews Jessica’s to do list – feeding, diaper changes (Paris makes a face at that), and baths. Sean takes two naps a day, and Paris likes the sound of that. I’m impressed that a two-year old is still on two naps – lucky Jessica. Jessica tells Nicole that she usually gives him a bottle and “he’ll knock out.” Nicole asks, “Of what, vodka?” Jessica cracks up. Sean is about to turn two, and Jessica wants a great party. Paris will plan it and Nicole will host it.

Jessica takes off and Sean starts to cry right away. Paris tries to console him with a hug. Nicole discovers that Sean is a little grouchy in the morning. Paris thinks she should drug him with headache medicine. David gives the girls a giant bra with bottle nipples built in. Paris thinks it’s about a Z cup. Nicole is totally freaked out by the squirting. She tells him he’s a lucky man. Nicole then feeds her dogs, asking, “Do you love it?”

Paris tries her best to feed Sean, but he’s having none of it. She tries the airplane trick as Liam looks on in amusement. Nicole takes Sean for a walk in some serious stilettos. She passes a neighbor and says, “What’s up, bitch? Were you bending over to get my attention, because it worked.” She introduces Sean as her baby. She asks if he’d consider her a MILF. She notes that he’s not wearing a wedding ring… but she’s looking at his right hand. Friendly to the last, Nicole says, “I’m always looking to have an affair, if you’re interested.”

Things are tougher for Paris. She hauls Sean upstairs to change his diaper. She wraps her sweatshirt over her nose and braces herself. She’s relieved – no poop. She should count herself lucky that he doesn’t run away from her, diaperless and yelling, maybe peeing on the floor, the way my son would. She declares it naptime and takes a rest while the boys play.

Nicole hits a coffee shop and dumps Sean off with a random guy sitting outside. The guy awkwardly tries to make conversation with Sean. She orders a drink, then sits inside working on the crossword puzzle. The guy, Jess, returns Sean to her. Nicole claims that he looked like he was having fun, so she decided to sit there.

David wakes Paris up from her nap and says that it’s bath time. He claims that because Sean is so little, she needs to take a bath with him “otherwise, he’ll drown.” Yeah, right. David’s not trying to get Paris out of that sweat suit or anything. Uh-huh. Paris asks if he’s going to pee on her. He totally will. Paris dons a skimpy black suit and gets in the tub, admonishing Sean to not pee on her. She has fun, sculpting his hair into a bubble Mohawk. “Uh-oh!” says Sean. Uh-oh is right, because there has just been a Caddyshack Incident.

A Caddyshack Incident, for those of you who don’t have kids, is when your kid poops in the bathtub, named after the fine film Caddyshack in which someone drops a candy bar in the pool and everyone thinks it’s poop. I’ve been Caddyshacked a couple of times in my day, and let me tell you, it is no fun. First you’ve got to fish the thing out of the tub – ew. Then you need to clean up the kid, who has just been in contaminated water. Then you need to get him cleaned up. But your work is not done. Now it is time to clean the utter hell out of the tub, not to mention wash any rags you might have used to do so. It is no fun whatsoever.

Paris is totally grossed out. Liam thinks it’s hilarious. I don’t dare laugh, for fear of Poop Karma. It can totally get you!

Nicole reads Sean a story, none other than The Truth About Diamonds by Nicole Richie. Nicole reads Sean a fairy tale about a boy named Sean who wanted to marry a girl named Nicole. Nicole would marry him, but only if “he took a damned nap.” In the story, Sean slept for five hours and they lived happily ever after. That’s how we know this story is a fairy tale, especially because we see Sean waking up about two seconds after Nicole finishes reading to him.

Paris starts party planning. She wants a princess theme, but David isn’t so sure about it. Paris says he should trust her. Sean starts to cry. Maybe the princesses will be in trucks or trains or something manly.

Paris announces that the party performers will come by to audition. A magician suggests cutting Paris in half. She agrees, and it amuses the boys. Next, a clown blows bubbles, then another makes balloon animals while wearing the boob bottle thing. She hires a dragon, then they paint a mime.

Nicole learns that David is in a rock band and rides motorcycles. He insists on Nicole wearing a helmet. She thinks it’s lame and that she looks like a penis. He agrees. The boys are alone, playing video games and wandering the house.

Paris next auditions princes, demanding that they make up poems about her beauty on the spot. One of them has trouble rhyming the word “curvaceous,” but the others do great.

Meanwhile, David and Nicole have a blast while the kids look for her.

Paris selects pink fabric and asks for a castle and moat. She puts Sean to bed, and as soon as she closes the door, he starts to cry. Jessica comes back home. Paris says it was a lot of work. She tells Jessica about the princess party, and we hear Sean crying in the background.

The next day, Nicole meets with the party planner. She’s not impressed with the pink fabric or the theme. The performers start to arrive. Nicole tells them that the party is for a two-year old boy who is “kind of rock and roll.” She tells everyone to leave, but says the petting zoo animals can stay. Dottie the dragon gives her a hug, and Nicole informs her, “You have dragon breath.”

Nicole takes charge of the party, hiring a band, inflating a jumpy castle thing. Then shot girls arrive to pass shots of milk. That’s hot. Nicole is happy with the way things are shaping up.

Paris and her sister Nicky are ready for a modeling show. They’re frustrated and ready to get started.

Kids arrive at Nicole’s party, walking down red carpet complete with paparazzi and Nicole asking them questions like, “Now you’re here with a younger man. That’s very Demi and Ashton. Are you okay with that?” They don’t answer, so she figures they like to keep their privacy. Nicole encourages kids to do milk shots and dance with the go go girls. Liam is amazing at shots, much to Jessica’s dismay. Yeah, Liam is going to be awesome at parties. My son is going to be considerably less cool in college, judging by the fact that right now, he’s not afraid to drink a floater and tends to cry if he sees someone else with a drink when he doesn’t have one. It’s not so smooth with the ladies.

Paris and Nicky primp for the runway. At the same time, Sean arrives at his own party, ready to rock out. The band and kids cheer for Sean’s arrival. David loves the band, and all of the kids have fun dancing. Nicole gives a toast to Sean, part of which is bleeped out. Jessica isn’t so sure about the party. Nicole says, “I wasn’t sure if he had a bottle in his pocket or if he was just happy to see the girls.”

Nicole’s party is a huge hit. She hands out gigantic gift bags to the kids as they leave. One kid trips on his way out and Nicole thinks he’s wasted. David says that both girls rocked because his kids survived the experience. He thinks Sean liked Nicole better. Naturally, Sean cries when Nicole leaves him in his crib. Jessica says that if she had to choose between the girls to raise a toddler, she’d go for Paris. Nicole is a little too out there for her. Sure enough, David and Jessica go to check on Sean and find another kid in the crib. Ooopsie!

Paris puts her fired princes to good use, stripping their shirts off and having them feed her grilled cheese sandwiches. That’s a fabulous plan. The funny thing is, Paris could totally afford to make that happen.

Betsy Wasser is the Associate Editor of Reality News Online and the proud mom of a toddler. Nicole Richie and other readers can reach her at betsywasser@gmail.com

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