The Simple Life 4, ‘Til Death Do Us Part, Episode 7: Roughing It

Paris promotes her fragrance, and a bunch of little girls are excited to see her. She signs autographs for some excited fans. Meanwhile, Nicole has a fashion photo shoot. One of Paris’s fans has a tattoo of her on his chest. Yikes. Both girls declare that they need a vacation.

Paris is running late, but Nicole, thanks to an impressive staff, is right on time. We meet the Contreras family. They are little people – I might as well get that fact out of the way. Ramiro is a single dad with two boys. Christian is 10 and Jacob is five. The boys watch eagerly for Paris and Nicole. They are adorable. Christian says he’s nervous about having the gorgeous girls in his house. Jacob shows off his room.

Ramiro tells the girls that he’s been divorced for a year and hasn’t been on vacation in a long time. He wants to take the family camping. Neither of them loves the idea of a nine hour drive to Yosemite. Paris suggests the Playboy mansion, and Nicole finds a local camping ground. Paris then asks Ramiro for bread and butter for toast, while Nicole wants a coffee shop. She’d love butler services at the campground. She asks Ramiro an even more important question: Where do you crap? She doesn’t like his answer of “behind a tree” and orders a Portapotty after learning that it is appropriate for all situations, including diarrhea. Nicole gives “be prepared” a new meaning.

Paris eats her toast while Ramiro starts packing. Nicole starts packing tons of random toys. Paris then takes the boys outside to play soccer. Ramiro tells Nicole to pack warm clothes. She wants his furs and asks if he has an animal she can skin. Meanwhile, Paris flags down the ice cream man. She orders a ton of ice cream bars and loves her Powerpuff Girl so much that she requests “five more of these little blonde bitches.” She loads all of the treats into a cooler. Yep, that’ll work out just fine.

Paris finally starts packing, picking up toy cars, chairs, and all the essentials. Paris says that she loves to be comfortable. She tells Ramiro that she is “in the hotel business” and knows what she’s doing. Nicole tells Ramiro that they need one more delivery: the Portapotty. Ramiro cracks up laughing as they try to hitch it to van. She encourages the boys to use it, then they launch it down the street with Ramiro in it. He says it was scary.

Ramiro loads the boys into the van, and it’s time to go. Both girls lose stuff off the roof as they drive. Under Paris’s watch, one of the boys has blue popsicle tongue. Paris takes Ramiro to a surprise destination: a Hilton.

Paris asks the front desk for the room that’s best for camping. Nicole takes everyone to the campground, running down a bunch of tents in the process. She tells Ramiro, “Sorry. I’m not the best driver.”

Paris shows off her idea of a campground, including a spectacular view of the mountains. Ramiro wonders how they’re going to toast marshmallows. Paris says he should trust her. I have a feeling the boys are never going to want to go camping outside again after this experience. She clears space on the floor for a tent.

Nicole decides that putting together the tent is too much work, so she asks other campers to help them. She says she’ll let them have “some manly bonding” and gets out of the way.

Paris is bored with putting together the tent and, just like Nicole, has someone else help her. In her case, it’s the bellhop who delivered their luggage. Nicole tells Ramiro that putting together the tent was easy. Then her Portapotty is delivered. She asks them to put it righ tnext to the tent.

The boys love Paris’s tent, complete with ice cream breaks. Ramiro says it’s not like really camping. She says she’s going to surprise them after they go for lunch. She calls the zoo.

Nicole realizes she forgot to bring food. She then has Jacob play guitar in exchange for food. He sings the alphabet song and is adorable.

Paris makes sure the zoo animals will not hurt her dogs.

Nicole realizes that she needs a stove, so she offers up her potty in exchange for a stove. She thinks everyone must be constipated, because nobody’s going for it. She begs a woman for help cooking, saying she hasn’t eaten for two days. For the love of God woman, feed Nicole! The girl needs it. Nicole, remember that my offer of nachos and ice cream still stands. Love you, bitch. The woman’s husband gives her the stuff to start a fire. Nicole hugs him and lights the matches on their grill. She drops the lot into a wastebasket for a fire pit.

Paris has a bunch of plants delivered to the room while Ramiro and the boys have lunch. Ramiro asks the kids what they think of the trip. One kid gives it a five for being in a hotel and eating regular food. Paris loads a bunch of toys, fishing rods, and sod in the room. She loves it – no bugs, no cold, plus room service. She then comes downstairs and promises the guys “a real camping trip.” The map is a map of the hotel, and their hike is up the stairs. She tells the boys to be careful of the bears.

Meanwhile, Nicole roasts hot dogs. They don’t look so good. Jacob and Nicole spit theirs out. Ramiro says they taste like dirt. Nicole orders pizza.

Paris and the guys arrive in the room. They don’t know what to think of things. We hear Ramiro ask the boys if they want to pet the bear. The suite is imprssive and has adorable baby bears. The boys are very happy and say this is better than real camping. They feed the baby bears and watch the fire on TV. Paris says she wanted to make it “memorable and fun.” She says it’s on her.

Nicole’s camping trip isn’t nearly as good. But a helicopter hovers above. Ramiro thinks it might be the police, but it’s none other than a pizza delivery. The kids can’t believe it. Nicole’s friend Brian delivers the pizza. She has them all get into the helicopter. Ramiro says the boys are happy, and he’s glad they have this unique opportunity. But there’s only room for five of them, so she kicks Brian out and gives him her car. Brian flags them down – he needs the keys. Nicole dumps them out the window. The boys are amazed at the view as Brian hunts for the car keys.

Paris says good night to the boys. Ramiro says he’s impressed. It’s not what he expected, but they had fun. Ramiro says he hasn’t seen his boys that happy in a long time. Aww!

Ramiro tells Nicole that she pulled it off for them in the end and gives her a hug. Christian says he’s glad he went on the trip. Jacob says it was cool. The boys are sad to see Nicole go. She promises to come back and visit. Ramiro thinks Nicole would be a great mother. She has a glow in her eye and loves kids, even though she calls them a bit of a swear word. And Brian? Still can’t find the van key. Paris leaves the guys a note promising room service is on her.

Next week, the girls learn about housekeeping. It doesn’t look like it’s going well.

Reality News Online Associate Editor Betsy Wasser also hates camping. Nicole Richie can reach her to arrange for the ice cream and nachos at betsywasser@gmail.com

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