The Simple Life 4, ‘Til Death Do Us Part, Episode 8: Clean Freak

Paris and Nicole enjoy some weekend chores. Nicole takes her dog to the groomer and gives him a massage. She jokes that she’s going to give him a happy ending. Paris then takes her two brothers Baron and Conrad shopping. She tells them that anything they want is on her, which is funny because the two of them aren’t exactly hurting for cash either. While her brothers sit around bored, Paris tries on a bunch of clothes. Conrad says he thought the shopping spree was for him, and she says she just can’t help herself.

The girls, wearing gigantic sunglasses, head off to meet the Beggs family. I swear, the oversized sunglasses trend is one I just don’t get. They look like they’re wearing protective eyegear for shop class. Anyway, the Beggs family includes Allen, a husband who is “hard to please.” We meet his wife Becky, daughter Ashley, son Zachary, and daughter Stephanie. Allen looks Paris up on the internet. Yeah, there’s all kinds of stufa bout her on that. Instead of checking out her sex tape, Allen reads some gossip about how Paris and Nicole are feuding. To each his own.

Allen says that he likes his house to be “in order.” The place is absolutely spotless. He says people call him controlling, then proves the point as he carefully lines up the coffee table. Here’s hoping he doesn’t turn all Sleeping With The Enemy and wig out over canned goods with their labels not lining up, saying, “That’s what reminding is for.” He says that he expects Paris and Nicole to keep the house clean, just like his wife does. First of all, if you want your house to be in crazy anal order, do it yourself, Allen. Second, Paris and Nicole? Good luck with that, buddy. I’m looking forward to watching the two of them trash the joint.

Paris arrives first, then Nicole meets the family. Allen says that the rules are simple – clean up your mess and don’t leave a trail. Becky says that the lesson is housekeeping, and the list is pretty long. Nicole says she doesn’t know how to do 99% of the things on the list. She tells Paris that she’ll know if Allen doesn’t like the way they’re keeping house, because “he likes things done in a particular way.” I’m thinking about starting a Save Becky Beggs website. Anyone interested? We see Allen snapping at Stephanie for fussing with a vase.

Becky tells the girls that they’re having people over, so they should make sure that dinner is good, or at least edible. That sounds like a fine job for Paris and Nicole to outsource. That’s their usual solution to cooking problems. Paris asks Becky what she uses to mow the lawn. We cut to the riding mower. Becky says it’s a lot like driving a car, so Paris should be able to handle it just fine. Uh-huh. Becky then admires Paris’s ring, which has a 24 carat diamond. It is about the size of my head. Seriously, it must be hard for Paris to lift her spindly little arms with that thing on her hand. Becky says it’s not a good ring for cleaning the house.

Becky leaves, and if I were her, I’d never come back.

The girls start with laundry. Nicole immediately breaks the laundry chute and rationalizes that it’ll be easier that way. The laundry is piling up, and Nicole throws in a lamp and threatens to add Zachary.

Nicole decides it’s time to “test the waters” regarding Allen’s obsession with order. That’s my girl! Meanwhile, Paris damages her manicure trying to open a box of laundry detergent. She uses her ring to open it. That’s a housecleaning application of the giant diamond that Becky must not have thought of. Nicole takes a more creative approach, dumping all of the clothes into the pool. She tosses a bunch of soap on top of it.

Nicole tells Allen that she finished the laundry and threw it all in the pool. Allen freaks out completely. “Are you guys idiots?” he demands. Maybe Allen should take a break from browbeating his family to watch a show called The Simple Life. That might answer his question. Nicole calmly says that the clothes are soaking, so they should leave them. He demands that she dive in and get them all and has absolutely no sense of humor about it.

Having not destroyed her laundry, Paris is ready for the next task: ironing. She has a hard time getting the ironing board to stay open and about takes her dress up over her head trying.

Nicole suggests that they clean up after the dog next and has the kids grab mugs and spoons. They decide to throw the poop into the neighbors’ yard.

Paris decides to take ironing “to the next level.” She raids the fridge and starts cooking some lunch with the iron. She fries up bacon, quesadillas, and hot dogs, artistically sprinkling cheese over everything. When she drops a hot dog, she calls the dog to clean it up. Excellent solution, and ever the responsible one, she makes sure he doesn’t eat the brownie that also fell on the floor. Paris tops off her creation with a garnish of Froot Loops, then takes her feast up to Allen. He says it looks fantastic and sounds totally shocked. Then he says, “I’m not shocked, but… wow!”

Paris consults her checklist. Next up is cleaning the floors. She rolls up the rug, primps her hair, and starts mopping. Wacky music plays as she discovers the Sedgway. Alas, it doesn’t say “GOB” on it, but we’ll pretend. She ties the mp around her waist, then starts cruising the floors. But oopsie, it crashes several times. “Wet floor,” she shrieks.

Nicole heads outside to mow the lawn. She can’t get it started, but Paris plows through the grass and all of the shrugs. Both girls then bust out the leaf blower. Nicole blows Ashley’s hair with it like a rock video.

Zachary comes out to tell Paris that the washer is overflowing, so she abandons the leaf blower (still turned on) to check it out. The washer is indeed overflowing, and the laundry room is so full of bubbles it’s like a foam party.

Ever the resourceful one, Paris gets the leaf blower and, hiking up her dress, blasts the bubbles outside. Wow, that looks fun. She and Zachary high five. The machine won’t start, so she calls Roto Rooter.