Who Wants to Be a Superhero, Episode 2: Queer Eye for the Spandex Guy

Welcome back, True Believer! Are you ready for another epic episode of the most pulse-pounding reality show on television? Hold onto your capes and get ready for some of the geekiest comic book references you’ve ever seen in an online television recap! (Including Temptation Island!)

We open with Stan Lee and an unseen narrator explaining the show’s premise. They declare that we all have a hero buried within. At the end of the competition, someone will be rewarded with the one thing that money can’t buy: immortality in a comic book. The winner will also be spotlighted in a Saturday Night Sci Fi Original Movie.

The unseen narrator (Uatu?) provides a recap of last week’s show, in which the male heroes had a very difficult time. His recap is almost as great as mine, which you can read herehere. Not only was Major Victory the only man to successfully complete the task, all three of the eliminated super-heroes were men (Levity, Nitro G and The Traitor). Can the men bounce back? Will the heroes be more vigilant of hapless victims? Will Lemuria topple out of her outfit, forcing the show to move to FX? Let’s find out!

We open with an early-morning challenge: Stan tells the heroes to write down questions for their competitors to answer. Stan will read the questions to the group, so the original questioners will remain anonymous. Lemuria confides that it’s a little scary when Stan summons them, because they don’t know if he’s going to send them on a challenge or eliminate one of them. I imagine it’s also kind of scary to have a wall-sized monitor snap on and start talking to you while you’re doing the dishes or walking to the bathroom. But maybe that’s just me. Maybe all you readers are into that. Whatever. I don’t judge, I just recap.

Tyveculus wishes that the questions were not anonymous. Iron Enforcer wishes he could write (kidding).

The first question is for Creature: when did you last wash your hair? Her answer: her hair stores her powers and must not be messed with. In an interview, Iron Enforcer refers to her as a “homeless Princess Leia.”

The next question is for Fat Momma: do you really think a fat super-hero would be a good role model for kids? Her answer: I certainly do or I wouldn’t be here. Somewhere, all eight members of Bouncing Boy’s fan club cheer wildly and then go back to silently munching on their Cheetos.

A question for Iron Enforcer: would it kill you to use deodorant? His answer: he farts and waves the scent toward the crowd. In this way, we learn that Iron Enforcer is secretly a nine-year-old boy.

A question for Major Victory: does a superhero who is also a male stripper send a bad message to the kids? MV’s answer: I learned a lot of things as a male stripper and maybe I can spread them to the kids. Wha?! And is “spread them” really the right phrase to use? Thankfully, Tyveculus speaks for all of us by pointing out that stripper skills should not be shared with kids. In a later interview, Major Victory clarifies that he meant that kids could learn from his past mistakes. Too little, too late my smiling friend. Once the creepy snake is sprung from the novelty can, it’s impossible to wrestle that sucker back in.

A follow-up question for the much-maligned and somewhat gassy Iron Enforcer: are you on steroids and is that legal? His answer: “If steroids are used for a positive thing, I think it’s a good thing, no?” In a later interview, the Enforcer vents that he is the best-looking hero in the house, so how dare the challengers single him out. Then he eats a puppy (lie).

In the end, the room looks pretty tense. Most everyone looks upset, angry, or sad.

Stan livens things up by explaining their next challenge. The crew is to take the transport to help a little old lady who has locked herself out of her house. They will have to climb over the back fence, go through the back door and let her in. Secret twist! The back yard is protected by two vicious guard dogs! Cut to commercial!

The next segment opens with the warning: “The following event involves highly trained attack dogs under the supervision of experts and should not be attempted by anyone anywhere, anyplace, anytime under ANY circumstances.” While most warning labels are laughable in their obviousness (“Don’t strap this microwave to an inflatable raft and use it in your swimming pool!”), I really respect this message. I imagine that a lot of kids are watching this show and may want to pin a bath towel around their necks and emulate their favorite heroes. Lord knows I spent at least 600 hours doing just this sort of thing in the late ‘70s. And, um, maybe for two or three hours after watching Reno 911 last week.

Back to the show!

An ambulance pulls up and the back doors open to reveal the Ever-Present Floating Monitor of Stan (E-PFMoS, for short). He assigns each hero a protective padded suit and explains that all they have to do is touch the back door “with any part of their bodies.” At that exact moment, the camera cuts to Lemuria and her Wonder Breasts and Internet fans titter themselves giddy. (Hee, hee. Titter.) Stan presses on: if a hero loses his courage, he must merely say “Uncle!” and the dogs will immediately back off.

Tyveculus offers to go first! Tricked out in his puffy suit, he leaps over the fence, shouts, and launches himself at the dogs. It’s an impressive sight. Through sheer brute force, he manhandles the dogs forward and touches the back door.

Tiny little Creature is quickly knocked to the ground and dragged around by the two dogs until she has no choice but to yell “Uncle!” In an interview, Iron Enforcer expresses disgust for Creature’s laughing after failing the task.

Iron Enforcer lumbers into the yard, is immediately attacked by both dogs and topples backward, shattering the wooden fence behind him. Once the dogs have a good grip on one arm and won’t let go, he simply carries them across the yard. He falls to the ground within one step of the door and immediately yells “Uncle!” In an interview, Monkey Girl cannot understand why he gave up, given how big he is and how close he was to the goal. Hopefully, Creature and Monkey Girl are watching this episode together in the Creature Cave, high fiveing one another silly and eating bananas.

Feedback is determined to prove himself to Stan. He allows the dogs to attack and, much like Tyveculus, powers his way to the door. Throughout the voice over, it becomes even more apparent that Feedback has a personal interest in impressing Stan and gaining his approval.