Who Wants to Be a Superhero, Episode 3: Identity Crisis

Welcome back, True Believer! Are you ready for another epic episode of the most pulse-pounding reality show on television? Hold onto your capes and get ready for some of the geekiest comic book references you’ve ever seen in an online television recap!

First, I must start with an apology. Last week, I referred to a superhero named Booster Gold as “Buster” Gold. The emails of outrage flooded in by the threes. As much as I would like to claim that I was going with the Norwegian spelling of the name, the truth is that I made a mistake. I would like to extend an apology to Booster Gold, Dan Jurgens (Booster’s creator), Skeets (Booster’s sidekick), and Ted McGinley (the actor born to play Booster Gold).

Phew.

I feel better.

This week’s episode opens with Stan Lee and an unseen narrator explaining the show’s premise. They declare that we all have a hero buried within. At the end of the competition, someone will be rewarded with the one thing that money can’t buy: immortality in a comic book. The winner will also be spotlighted in a Saturday Night Sci Fi Original Movie.

The unseen narrator provides a recap of last week’s show, starting with an uncomfortable question and answer session that left the contestants angry and upset. Later, to assist a little old lady, the heroes took turns attempting to charge past two vicious guard dogs. The female heroes did not fare well, with only Monkey Woman succeeding in the task. Of the men, just Iron Enforcer fell to the canine fury. Back at the lair, the heroes underwent a costume revamp with mixed results. Some of the heroes looked markedly better (Feedback), some looked ridiculous (Tyveculus), and others appeared largely unchanged (Fat Momma). When it came time for elimination, Stan singled out Iron Enforcer for consistently failing at challenges and not getting along with the other heroes. In a final twist, the fallen hero was snatched off of the street and, at Stan’s instruction, transformed into our heroes’ arch-nemesis: The Dark Enforcer!

When we rejoin our heroes, they’re minding their own business, cleaning their lair. Monkey Woman swings from the bookshelves, dusting and making monkey chatter. Feedback practices his high kicks. And Lemuria, clad in her sexy costume, cleans the toilet using her boot. But the heroes cannot rest for long. It’s time for action.

Stan wastes no time! Amidst flickering lights and sound effects, the Dark Enforcer joins our heroes in the lair. To her credit, Monkey Woman springs to the fore, staff at the ready. Unmasking himself, the Enforcer claims that he hates all of the heroes and is going to bring them all down. Fat Momma counterattacks by once again bringing up the Enforcer’s body odor. Upon the Enforcer’s exit, Stan drives home that everyone needs to be on their game because nothing is as it seems. I wait for Fat Momma to bring up body odor again. It doesn’t happen. I stamp my foot in disappointment.

Immediately, the heroes begin arguing about this turn of events. Lemuria and Fat Momma get particularly heated with Lemuria rather incoherently blurting, “you can kiss my natural brown ass.” Fat Momma parries with the non sequitor, “hey, you wanna come over for a barbecue?” Feedback, ever the Martian Manhunter of this dysfunctional Justice League, tries to talk some sense into the group.

Stan interrupts the awkwardness and sends the group to their next challenge: they are each to travel to the café around the corner, order lunch and bring it back to the lair. Stan will decide who ordered a lunch most befitting a superhero. Sound too simple? Feedback thought so, too.

After the heroes have returned with their food, The Dark Enforcer appears on a video screen opposite Stan and the two agree that a superhero must never do one thing: reveal his secret identity. The Enforcer says that the café was filled with hidden cameras, showing how our heroes handled themselves during their purchases.

Tyveculus not only tells the waitress his name, he hands her his driver’s license!!! Now the waitress knows where his house is and whether or not he’s an organ donor! Oh, poor Mrs. Tyveculus. I smell a sequel to Identity Crisis…

Feedback succeeds! He holds onto his secret identity, refusing to reveal anything to the ultra-cute waitress. Clearly, Feedback would stand on Cap’s side of the Civil War.

Creature giggles like a little girl when the cute waiter asks for her real name. Without batting an eye, she immediately gives up her first and last name. She makes matters worse by telling the waiter that he is sexy and rubbing his forearm. Then they go back to Creature’s dorm room, drink a little Mad Dog 20/20 Orange Jubilee, listen to some Dave Matthews and make out (lie).

Lemuria isn’t quite as forward as Creature, but she gives up her first name all too easily. To the disappointment of Sci Fi webhounds, she does not reveal her home address all Tyveculus-style.

Major Victory not only tells the waitress his real first name, he admits that he is part of a reality show, breaking character like Mr. Glass in an escalator repair shop.

Fat Momma sticks to her guns and reveals nothing. She even works in her catchphrase: ridding the world of bullies one doughnut at a time. Stan is clearly pleased.

Monkey Woman, without even being asked, reveals that her name is Mary. She breaks character even worse than Major Victory by admitting that she is part of a reality TV show. She even gives the waiter website information so that he can get involved. Bad monkey. Bad, bad monkey.

Stan takes the group right into an elimination, openly sharing how shocked he was by the poor showing. In an unfortunate bit of timing, Stan points to Spider-Man as the ultimate example of a superhero that has kept his secret identity. Um… that is, until about three weeks ago when Peter Parker revealed his secret to the world during a press conference. Don’t believe me? Hunt down and buy Marvel Comics’ Civil War #2! (Mark Millar, you owe me money!) But I digress. Stan starts singling people out. He admonishes Monkey Woman for giving up her secret and doling out website information. In defending her actions, MW explains that she is an actress. This digs her hole even deeper, because when she auditioned, she gave Stan a different occupation. Stan is taking this contest very seriously and does not appreciate MW’s position. MW pleads to stay on the show and freely admits her mistakes, to no avail. Stan asks her to turn in her costume. In her exit interview, Monkey Woman promises that she will live on, perhaps in a tree near you. She went out the way she lived: adorable.