The Search for the Next Doll, Episode 3: Character Assassins

Previously on I'm Too Sexy For Milan, New York and The CW, the girls learned all about confidence. I think. Asia won the "Dance Like a Skank, But Not Too Much" challenge and received immunity. Jaime and Chelsea had the most problems early on, but improved greatly for the performance. Melissa S. forgot her words when she wasn't singing badly. However, Brittany was eliminated for being too sexy. One e-mailer theorized that she was let go because she would overshadow the other Pussycat Dolls, and they can't have that happen.

Before we get to the show, I notice one of the executive producers is Steven Antin. Any relation to Robin? Anyway, the girls return to the Dollhouse "shaken and exhausted" according to Melissa R. Melissa S. doesn't know why she is still here. To further enrage me by forcing me to differentiate between the two Melissas? Jaime feels she still needs to find more confidence. Mariela is worried about Sisely and the negative feedback she got. Sisely complains about it to Asia (I assume). The editing is completely obvious because Asia's right leg changes position instantly. It's pretty funny.

The next morning, Jaime calls the girls out for "Screen Mail." Is this show over yet? The PCD tell the PCDWB (PussyCat Doll WannaBes) that the next challenge will be about finding their own unique persona. In the dance studio, Robin points out PCD Kimberly as the prime example of persona. Kim, of course, drops by to explain that. We see footage of her dancing just as sexy, if not moreso, as Brittany. Convinced that they're not looking for a real star yet? Habit forces me to drown out most of what Kim is saying, but I hear something about "labels" and "comfortable in a mohawk." The foreshadowing fairies are screaming, "ANTM-style makeovers!"

Once Mikey Minden & What's-His-Bald appear, Robin splits the girls into two groups of four for their next performances. They are:

Heartbreaker: Chelsea, Jaime, Melissa R., and Sisely, who is very glad to sing something more in her style, but knows she has to work hard to meet expectations.

Free Your Mind: Anastacia, Melissa S., Mariela, and Asia.

The elimination will be decided Immunity Idol-style. The stronger group will all stay. One member of the weaker group will go home. Melissa S. and Anastacia are worried about Mariela (whom they call "Mari," so I'll do the same), as she is the weakest singer. Kim hugs all of them and they are on their way.

Free Your Mind practices their dancing. Mari wishes this challenge was all about dancing. Mikey evens goes as far as saying the three other girls should do what Mari's doing. When they practice their singing, however, Mari is struggling. Melissa is wondering how Mari got on the show if she can't sing. You couldn't sing last time either, but you're still here. So shut up, Melissa.

Heartbreaker is now dancing. Chelsea is, once again, the weak dancing link. Chelsea says she's not a dancer. Mikey says she's not a dancer. You can tell she's not a dancer. At singing practice, Sisely tries to own it like she should, but isn't having a good time. Sisely asks how you can live up to Pat Benatar. Eric (the more useful vocal coach) and What's-His-Chrome-Dome suggest going over the top, but Sisely is too tired. She argues with Eric about her voice going out and no one getting enough sleep. Never a good sign, arguing with the coaches or judges.

Robin stops by for an announcement. To further enhance the PCDWB's personas, Robin's brother, Blow Out's Jonathan Antin, will be giving them a complete ANTM-style makeover. Those fairies were right. Sisely is the only one less than excited because the makeover will cut into practice time. At Jonathan's salon, Mr. Blow Out creepily touches the girls' hair to get an idea of what to do. Chelsea brings up "looking like an ogre" again. Is this show over yet?

Guess who is the obligatory "I don't like my makeover" girl? That's right, it's Sisely! To be honest, I don't really like it either, but it's still not her place to complain if she really wants this. Chelsea, meanwhile, gets her bangs snipped off, which almost traumatizes her. You're not going to look like an "ogre" again, Chel, so shut up! Still, she ends up liking it, and so do I. The girls meet Robin and Mark McWhyIsHeEvenThere at a little cocktail party to show off their looks, and apart from Sisely and Chelsea, I can't tell who got what. Then Mariela talks. I did not recognize her without her curls. Her hair is now straight and chest-length. It looks okay, but I miss the curls.

Li'l Kim and PCD manager Jeff Vaddad are at the party as well. Everything is the same old thing. Jaime doesn't feel confident. Sisely would rather practice. I ask, "Is this show over yet?" Same ol', same ol'.

Heartbreaker rehearses, and Sisely is now having timing issues. In old news, Chelsea still can't dance. Thus, Sisely helps Chelsea learn the moves. Chelsea compares Sisely to a drill sergeant. She also complains directly to Sisely's face. I just want this segment to end. They're both annoying.

Robin takes the girls to RecordPlant, Ron Fair's recording studio. Each girl will work with Ron individually, singing the chorus to "Don't Cha." Each girl's voice will be cut into the original recording in place of Nicole Scherzinger. This is, of course, the challenge. The best Nicole replacement will be immune. Duh. Sisely is first, and Ron advises her to loosen up. Her result isn't terrible, but not a single I would buy. Then again, neither is the original "Don't Cha." Jaime has to turn up her sexy persona. Asia, Chelsea, Anastacia, and the Melissas all sing in some order. I can't tell. Mari is last, and this is her first time in a recording studio. Mari hears her final result, she cries in disbelief. She is proud because she didn't hold back.

Ron reveals that the true nature of the challenge was to discover the girls' characters, not necessarily who sang the best. And the winner is... Melissa S. Mari was a close second. Rats. It's not that I really like Mari. It's that I really dislike Melissa. Melissa says something and I don't care. On the ride back to the Dollhouse, Jaime and Sisely visibly sulk. The girls practice a bit more and pack their bags.

The girls arrive at The Pussycat Dolls Lounge on the Sunset Strip, henceforth known as PCDLOSS, because one girl will lose here every time. The judges (Robin, Li'l Kim, and Ron) are introduced, and now it's time for the performances.

Free Your Mind is first. All the girls sound fine, including Mari. They all dance well, too. I mean, what do you expect? We barely saw them throughout the episode. That's a sure fire sign that they win. Robin was amazed. Ron didn't think it was vocally perfect. Kim liked it, but knows the girls can do more. Robin says Melissa earned her immunity, and Anastacia (you know, I'm just going with "Ana" from now on) was a little shaky at the start. Kim liked how Ana worked the pole, though. And Brittany was eliminated for being too sexy. Is this show over yet? Ron liked the performance, but thought the vocals were "dicey." Robin says Asia had a spark. Ron can't stand growling (really?), and didn't appreciate it from Asia. Mari sounded amazing to Robin, and Ron is starting to believe in her.

Heartbreaker's time to lose. Sisely sounds like a rocker, which isn't good for a PCD. Chelsea doesn't sound good at all. Jaime seems nervous, as the episode alluded to. If Melissa R. had been featured more during the episode, you would think she's a goner. Yuck! Overall, it's obvious that one of them is heading home. Robin felt a lot of struggles within the group. It didn't click for Ron, either, and Kim agrees. Robin wants to see something different in Jaime, who was "just okay" to Ron. Kim thought Chelsea stood out, but wasn't as strong as she could be. Ron has heard Melissa sing better. Ron noticed Sisely's timing issues, and Kim was surprised she didn't deliver. Sisely complains about the lack of sleep once again, and that just bought her plane ticket home. Kim says she went to prison, so Sisely can do what this show demands.

The judges deliberate. They all agree Free Your Mind was better, so they're safe. Here's what they say about the four girls up for elimination:

• Robin wants to see Chelsea grow more.
• Robin loves Melissa R's voice, but not tonight.
• Kim wants to see Jaime take charge. Ron just think she's "there."
• Ron thought Sisely was weird. While Robin likes her insprations, Ron wants more perspiration from Sisely.

The girls come out with their boas. Melissa S., Ana, Mari, and Asia are all safe, as we know. We also know Melissa R. is safe due to lack of drama time and despite lack of talent. Chelsea is also safe. Bleh. It's down to Jaime, whose voice is "soulful" but "did not stand out from the group," and Sisely, who is "frustrated" and "unique." Sisely is... safe?!?! Is this show over yet?

Jaime has to hang up her boa. Jaime goes through the whole "life-changing experience" spiel we've heard so many times.

Next week, some guys arrive. Sisely shows why she's still here, and it's not because she's a nice girl. See ya then, if you dare!

If you want to congratulate Tyler for surviving another episode or chastise him for complaining about it, e-mail him at tejayes@yahoo.com or tjs_2001@hotmail.com.

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