Sex, Booze, and Rock & Roll: Bands on the Run Premieres

television network must have a reality show of some sort. At least,

that's the only way I can rationally explain the reasoning behind VH1's Bands

on the Run, which premiered on Sunday, April 1. (OK, I guess it could be an

elaborate April Fools joke, but they are supposedly following it up with a full

series.)

The premise, as it is explained in the intro (and which is

different from what we actually see in this episode, as I'll explain later) is

that four independent and pretty well unknown bands are put on the road. They

will play the same towns, in different venues, with 2-3 days to promote each

show. Whoever makes the most money sticks around; whoever makes the least gets

dropped off the tour.

Except, that isn't what happened this time, and I'm not at

all sure why they explained that. While it turns out that the rest of the

series after this episode will be that way, the intro didn't explain what

actually would happen in this first episode.

My first inkling of this was at the very beginning of the

episode, when three (not the four described in the intro) bands were brought

together at 10 AM in a parking lot in Venice Beach. All three arrived to find

vans and trailers emblazoned with their band names and decorated appropriately.

The first band, and also the group that has been together

the longest, is Soulcracker. They have apparently been around since 1993 or so,

and are made up of Beastie, Sutton, Bob, A.P., and Ramsey. The second is

Flickerstick, who has been together since 1997. They are made up for Cory (who

wants to drink, party, and meet chicks), Brandin (the singer), Fletcher (bass

player and Brandin's brother), Rex (guitar), and Dominic (drum player and total

jackass). The third group, Harlow, has only been together since 1999, and one

of them hasn't even played a live show before. They are made up of Amanda,

Chimene, Rayshele, and Rebecca. To give you an idea of what kind of band they

are, their van was painted completely black. Goth all the way.

Kasey, the tour manager, spoke to the three bands and told

them what would be happening. They would each play a gig in San Francisco in

three days. Whoever brought in the most money from tickets and merchandise

would win. (In other words, this isn't even part of the tour described by the

intro. It's a one-time thing.) They would get to choose the prices for their

tickets and merchandise, and VH1 would certify the amounts. They are given an

allowance of $20/member/day, and gas and phone cards, as well as a beeper.

Everything else (credit cards, cash, cell phones) was turned over to VH1.

As the groups get into their vans and head to San Francisco,

they began to try to figure out ways to get people to attend their concerts.

Flickerstick considers pretending to be a gay band (it is San Francisco, after

all). Soulcracker, who has more experience, begins by calling contacts to build

a buzz.

Flickerstick and Soulcracker both get to San Francisco late

that night and begin to post flyers and other attention-getters wherever they

can. Flickerstick immediately breaks the rules by bringing a couple girls into

their van with them, but this violation seems to have absolutely no consequence

in the game. Indeed, it is never even mentioned later on. Meanwhile, Dominic

(the jackass mentioned earlier) gets drunk and acts like a jerk. This will be a

running theme. He is the one who brings the girls in, and several of the other

members note that he cares only about himself – or, more precisely, a specific

part of himself. As one says, "If his penis isn't happy, he isn't happy, and

nobody else is happy." One of the girls flashes her breasts at the camera, but

VH1 forgot they were on cable and blurred it out.

The next day, Soulcracker immediately begins hitting the

streets again, after only 3-4 hours of sleep. They post more flyers and even

chalk up the sidewalks to advertise the show. They have things pretty well in

hand.

Harlow, on the other hand, is too busy talking to actually

do anything. After debating the matter for hours, they decide to try to get on

radio or TV.

A grim side-issue hits Flickerstick when their manager pages

them and Dominic finds out that Cory's father has died, but his mother doesn't

want anybody to say anything to him. Dominic tells the rest of the group, so now

everybody except Cory knows about it and is trying to go about their

business.

While Harlow tried to get on the radio, Soulcracker

succeeds. They call one up and are told that if they can make it to San Jose by

5:30, they'll be put on the air in the middle of drive time. They rush to get

there and end up making it at 5:29. Once on the air, they explain the whole VH1

setup (I was a little surprised that they were allowed to say it was part of a

contest) and the host encourages listeners to go see them.

Meanwhile, Flickerstick goes to put up flyers and finds

Soulcracker stuff already all over the place. So they tear some down and cover

others up. Harlow finally decides to get something done, and they go to some

gay/goth/crossdresser hangouts, because that's their usual crowd and they feel

at home there.

A little later, all three bands get a page; the first to

return it wins a special promotional opportunity on Bay TV. Flickerstick

beats Harlow by a hair, and will appear on the show the following morning.

Another page to Flickerstick tells Dominic that Cory's

mother does want him to call her now. So, still not knowing what's in store for

him, he does so and finds out that his father has died. We all find out that he

had not spoken to his father for over five years – his parents were divorced

and his mother remarried. It's obvious that he is hit hard by this, and

especially by the guilt of not having talked to him for so long. So we get some

scenes of him crying, of band members comforting him, etc. Great unplanned

reality TV, and totally unrelated to the show. The producers must have loved

it. I, on the other hand, didn't.

Soulcracker was still busy trying to promote, and thought

they could somehow get a strip club to do it. When that didn't work out, a

woman said she'd do a dance on the sidewalk for a dollar. So they gave it to

her and she, um, gave it to them – a bizarre dance which showed that she wasn't

wearing any panties (again, VH1 forgot this was cable and blurred it out).

Soulcracker was freaked out and ran away. So then they went to a karaoke bar

and sang to promote the show. They decided to go with being funny rather than

impressive, and it seems to come off well. Heck, a girl even offers to take the

guys back to her house, but they decide that they need to work, not play, even

though they all "love sex, drugs, and rock & roll."

Harlow gets to the gay and bondage scene and start promoting

themselves – both as a band and as sexual partners, it seems. Amanda makes it

known that she goes both ways, and picks up a nice-looking female mechanic. All

of them get really drunk (another continuing theme of the show) and dance. They

figure they're never going to win, but they'll have fun.

Back at Flickerstick, Cory decides they should hit the bars.

In a completely surprising move, Dominic gets drunk and acts like a jerk. He

makes everything about him, comparing Cory's father's death to something that

happened to him. Another band member says he thinks Dominic is jealous because

Cory is getting attention instead of him. Cory decides to just leave and takes

a cab back to the hotel – he says he wants Dominic out of his life. Dominic,

for his part, can't even remember what happened that night. (Yet another

running theme.)

The next day is show day, and the bands still have more

promoting to do. So that morning, Flickerstick has to get to the Bay TV

studios. Cory pushes on to do what he has to do and says he never even thought

about quitting. Harlow decides that they will head to the studious, too, as an

attempt to sabotage Flickerstick's appearance and maybe get some publicity for

themselves. What they don't realize is that Flickerstick pre-tapes their

performance, so when Harlow manages to bluff their way into the studio, they

don't meet with any actual success.

Soulcracker decides to find a place to play so they can

promote themselves for that night. They find an open-air free music set-up and

try to bluff their way in – unsuccessfully. So then they find an open area on

the street and just set up and play. They draw some interested people – and the

police. Turns out they set up right across the street from the police station,

and the cops shut ‘em down.

It's finally concert time, and Flickerstick and Harlow find

that they are playing clubs that are right across the street from one another.

Harlow goes out with their bullhorn to attract people, and Flickerstick sends

one of their own to yell at the girl from Harlow, saying things like, "Run from

the vampires!"

We get to see snippets of one song from each group,

including "Blue Lie" from Harlow, "Coke" from Flickerstick, and "One Wave" from

Soulcracker. None were particularly outstanding, but none totally sucked,

either. The turnout at Flickerstick's show looked pretty grim, and then their

microphones went dead. They got frustrated and left to go watch Harlow across

the way and brought them some shots. Soulcracker felt they played well and had

fun, but were disappointed at the turnout as well.

At that point, the game was pretty well over, and it left

only the money to be counted. Harlow said their plan now was to get really

drunk (ah, that lovely sentiment again) and hang out with Flickerstick. Dominic

did his usual and blacked out about halfway through the night (good thing he

has cameras following him around so he can see that he hooked up with a girl,

made out with her in the bathroom, and then left with her).

Soulcracker went to hook up with the other bands once they

were done with their gig, and the first thing that jumped out at them was just

how drunk the other bands were. Yes, we know. One of the Soulcracker guys

started making fun of Harlow: "I'm in Harlow. I'm Satanic. Oooh. Let's kill a

puppy." But they all seemed to have a good time together.

Kasey got up to the mike to announce the winner of the

contest. From the door, Flickerstick took in $130, Soulcracker $245, and Harlow

had $330. But in the merchandise area, Flickerstick only had $26 (must have

sold two t-shirts), Harlow only $90, and Soulcracker had $186. This put

Soulcracker over Harlow by $11.

In this area, Soulcracker really had an advantage. They had

a CD to sell, which I rather doubt Harlow had, given that this was only about

the 5^th show they ever played. And that did it for them.

After the announcement, Brandin hooks up with Harlow's lead

singer and thinks he's going to get lucky. He thinks he's going to get even

luckier when another girl joins him. Then he realizes that the two girls are

actually interested in each other, not him. Whoops!

The next morning, we find Cory talking about how the

previous days have completely changed the way he views life. It turns out that

his father had cancer and must have known he was dying for quite some time, so

Cory is further upset by the fact that his father never called.

Harlow is dealing with quite different problems, as one of

the members describes how she woke up that morning with a guy between her legs.

Um. Okay. Let's go back to Flickerstick.

The rest of the show follows Flickerstick back to Texas,

where they are welcomed at the airport. Then we hear more about Cory's life and

his father as Cory visits the cemetery. He says that for the past six months,

he'd talked to his girlfriend about calling "tomorrow," and tomorrow never

came. Now there are no tomorrows. But the experience did help him to realize

that you have to find people who love you and stick by them – and he doesn't

want to go out touring and end up losing his girlfriend.

Be that as it may, it looks like he will indeed go out on

the road. Next week starts the actual series, when all of that stuff described in

the intro actually happens. The same three bands will be involved, plus a

fourth. They will all hit the road and do everything they did in this episode,

but in a variety of different venues. The grand prize will include a $100,000

equipment package, a music video, and an A&R showcase. But as they go, they

will drop off two of the bands along the way depending on who is making the

least money.

The promos for the series show that what we saw in this

episode will continue: sex, booze, rock & roll, and fighting. Frankly, I

think I've seen enough of it already in this hour-and-a-half premiere. So don't

be surprised if you don't see any follow-up on this particular series from me.

It's fairly obvious that none of these groups have watched Behind the Music,

which airs on VH1 and often talks about how careers were ruined by drugs and

alcohol. These guys don't even have careers yet and most of them are

already to that point. It just doesn't look to be terribly interesting, and

they don't even have a decent amount of music to make it worthwhile. I'll stick

with Survivor.

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