The Search for the Next Doll, the Finale: Is This Show Over Yet?

So you still care, huh?

Previously on Melissa, I Won’t Miss Ya, Chelsea once again had trouble getting the choreography correct. Asia really impressed me by helping Chelsea out, and Melissa S. continued to grate on my nerves. Once she ran out of nerves to grate, Melissa S. got the boot. I’d rejoice if I cared.

The girls return to the house. Chelsea is excited to be in the final three because everyone dismissed her after the first week. That includes me, and I still dismiss her. Melissa R. (who will be just Melissa now) is glad Melissa S. is gone. Melissa S. was getting on Melissa R.’s nerves, and R. didn’t think S. could dance. Well, that wasn’t nice. Asia didn’t like it, either. Then again, she didn’t like any food unless it was a cheeseburger.

The final three get the final PCD video. Like all other PCD videos, it’s completely worthless, pointless, and useless. They meet Robin in the studio for the final assignments. All will sing “Lady Marmalade,” which was produced by Ron Fair, as Asia points out, and performed in part by Li’l Kim. And yet no one mentions Labelle. Philistines!

Each girl also gets a solo assignment – a song from the PCD album. Asia will sing “I Don’t Need a Man.” Melissa gets “Stickwitu,” and yes, that’s spelled correctly. Chelsea’s assignment is “Feeling Good.” Hold on. Is that really a PCD song? Also, wasn’t that the song that got AJ Tabaldo and Leslie Hunt eliminated? She’s doomed. Yay!

Singing practice. Asia is first with “IDNAM.” Chelsea complains about Asia straining to hit the notes. I stopped caring once she got the doom song. Asia brings up her daughter again, saying this is all for her. Yeah, I’m sure she’s going to be proud of you once she’s old enough to know what the PCD are.

Melissa practices her song, and once again brings up her and Asia as “rivals.” She knows Asia’s weakness and hopes to outshine her.

Chelsea practices her song. Melissa starts getting worried about Chelsea’s singing. Don’t fret, Mel. Chelsea still can’t dance, remember? Plus she’s singing “Feeling Good.”

The three girls practice as a group somewhere, and Melissa and Chelsea start laughing at Asia’s pronunciations of “ask” and “very.” Asia doesn’t like being around fake people. Because Asia is real. Real annoying.

Robin and Mikey treat the girls to a special dinner commemorating their last night in the house. During dinner, Robin asks each girl to get something off their chest. Especially if it’s silicone. Melissa gives Asia this whole “get to know you” spiel that has as much impact as using a spaghetti noodle to hammer a nail. Asia notices Melissa’s insincerity and comes clean about not wanting to get close to the others. She is especially suspicious of Melissa’s snarks against Melissa S. when the two seemed to be such good friends before S.’s elimination. Melissa, in private, rationalizes her comments by saying “friends get on your nerves.” Yeah, but do they talk about it behind their backs right after they’re eliminated from a competition? Doomed Chelsea gets no airtime.

At 3:20 in the morning, Melissa and Asia get into a heated argument about being fake. They wake up Chelsea, who at least tries to cool the two down. Still, she figures if the two keep screaming at each other, they’ll both wear their voices out. Then Melissa tells Asia to “shut the **** up.” And now Melissa has ticked me off, too. The fighting and swearing and annoying and threatening continue until 4:25. I’m sure the Dolls will be very happy to have any one of these three girls touring with them. Just as happy as I would be if pizza became banned worldwide.

Later that morning, all three get up and prepare for practice. Melissa is worried the fight will affect her performance, but she still vows to kick it. At group practice with Mikey, Asia is visibly half-asleep. Mikey asks what’s going on. Chelsea brings up the fight, and Melissa and Asia basically go at it again. Is this show over yet? It gets so bad that Chelsea, who was standing between them, wisely gets out of the way.

Mikey gives a few half-hearted attempts to stop the fight, but later admits that he stopped listening a while ago. Yeah, same here. Later, he says he does choreography, not catfights. At this point in the competition, “of course they want to kill each other.” Well said, Mikey. Then Asia gets more airtime, and it becomes apparent that she’s getting the winner’s edit. Now I really don’t care about this show. Asia and Melissa give each other fake “let’s be friends” spiels and a fake hug. Is this show over yet?

Robin drops in to check on the girls as they practice their solos. Chelsea has trouble remembering her lyrics, and since Robin says Chelsea should know them by now, she rips up the lyrics. Cool. Melissa’s rehearsal is very flat. Asia stinks, too. Robin pulls the girls together for a speech about how she’s disappointed and how each girl must show their worth as a Pussycat Doll. If she was making the decision now, Robin wouldn’t choose any of them to join the group. That would be a big waste of eight weeks then, wouldn’t it?