Celebrity Apprentice, the Kinda One-Third(ish) of the Way Performance Reviews: The Business of Celebrity Business is Celebrity

Marilu: To most people, you’re Elaine Nardo, but to me, I’ll always love you for being Lil Dangerously. “Oh, Johnny! I love shelf paper!” How many people could carry off that line convincingly?

You’re doing well. You fall somewhere between Jennie and Omarosa in the cut-throat category, in that you know business but you’re not going to trample someone to get it done, although you might hurt a few feelings. You do business with your heart, which can be effective.

My advice to you is to watch your back. I don’t think you have a chance to win this game with some of these personalities around, but that doesn’t mean you can’t go down swinging.

Omarosa: You’re a useless bitch and you don’t belong on this show except to make catty remarks and talk down to everyone. I look forward to another crying spree when you’re fired.

I will give you credit for the idea of the Croc-shaped bin, as I believe that was what won your team the challenge. But can I point out – recycled Crocs? Ewww!

Fired/Quit:

Vincent: As I mentioned, the double-agent thing started as a joke but went way too far. Yes, it was Piers’ idea, but you had no problem with it. It was your idea to join the women instead of simply spy. The flaw was that, halfway through, you decided you didn’t like your role (or maybe you decided the women would win and figured it was a good chance to get rid of Piers) and changed sides.

The women found out, through the brilliant deduction of Piers rubbing it in their faces. The look of shock on Omarosa’s face was a beautiful moment I’ll carry with me for a long time. I seriously can’t believe this never occurred to any of them. Some of them didn’t believe it when Piers told them! And they wonder why they lost four in a row?

In any case, Vinnie got mad when Piers revealed the plan. Why? Because it blew HIS plan to be a double-agent, not because it blew the plan to spy. They already had everything they needed from Vinnie’s spying. But Vinnie wanted it both ways.

But the fatal blow was when Vinnie refused to return to Hydra, which made no sense to me. He had a plan of action and carried through on it, and should have just returned to normal. He could have used it against Piers and Stephen, who certainly wasn’t opposed to the plan while he was laughing his butt off. By acting like a child and not wanting to rejoin the team, Vinnie doomed himself.

Really, this wasn’t the first time. Vinnie wasn’t much of a team player the entire time. He was a good soldier in doing what he was told, but complained about it more than anyone. He acted put out when nominated for PM. He just didn’t seem like he wanted to be there, even when giving his ex-wife (and have there ever been a pair less alike?) the check for winning his challenge, which, ironically, Piers won for him.

He didn’t play the game. Piers did. Piers is still there, and I still don’t understand why the two didn’t like each other.

Oh, and I would be remiss in not mentioning the hilarious Sopranos ending. It was obvious and cheesy, yes, but there’s a reason broad comedy like that works.

Jennie: Oh, Jennie. My Apprentice girlfriend. You’re beautiful, sexy, intelligent, athletic, and a hard worker. And you couldn’t cut it in the cutthroat business world, which made me love you all the more. In any case, it’s refreshing to see a celebrity (and you are a celebrity, don’t ever doubt that) with her head screwed on right and her priorities straight. For once, I agree with Trump – the fact that you don’t belong in that world is a very good thing.

Gene: First, I get to take this chance to plug my good friend and fellow RNO-writer Dale Sherman’s soon-to-be-updated book, Black Diamond. I especially like it because I know Gene hates KISS projects that he doesn’t have a piece of.

I argued vehemently against the inclusion of Gene into the HOS (although he deserves to be in MANY Halls of Shame for MANY reasons) for the simple fact that… God help me… I agreed with him.

His was the superior concept and let’s not even go into the design. His flaw was that he didn’t have twenty thousand Kinko’s-copied signs shouting “INK!!” all over his trailer. He came up with a great design, showcased both the product and the company at the same time, and had a winning slogan. I’m sorry, but if I’m an executive rolling out a new product that I want to be done a certain way, and someone comes along and gives me a GOLDEN idea that’s ten times better than what I had, I’m changing my approach.

Believe you me, I’m no bigger fan of Gene Simmons the marketer (Remember Tongue Magazine, anyone? Anyone?), but I can admit when he’s right, and he was right.

Now, I think it’s pretty obvious by now that Gene wasn’t stupid in the boardroom, he quit. I think everyone except Trump and that moron who yells about stock tips have figured that out. But you may not know why. Gene, as a businessman, believes that his way is the best way and WILL NOT entertain any other views. Ironically, he was on the wrong side of that same philosophy.

Anyway, when Gene was told that his version of events was wrong, he disagreed. In effect, he said, “If my product is considered losing by your rules, then I don’t want to win.” Once he was told his idea wasn’t good enough, he might as well have hit the elevator because he was on the way downstairs.

I’m not sure if I respect him for that or think he’s a self-absorbed loon. But since I think the latter anyway, I’ll just say that Gene made the right choice for Gene and move on.

Nadia: You were so forgettable I had to check the site to see who was second fired. I think that about says it all.

Tiffany: Your reason for being fired was absolute BS. How many of the women called their famous friends? I think Trump glommed onto that so he could talk about his “good friend Yuuuuuh Hefner” about seventy times.

Mike DeGeorge is a lead Accounting peon in St. Louis. He welcomes your feedback at rno.mike@gmail.com.

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