America's Got Talent 4, September 2: Feelin' Good?

Ladies, gentlemen, and lollipops! Welcome to the results for the first semifinals of America's Got Talent!

If you didn't watch the performances or read my super-late recap (sorry, migraine), here's a quick summary of the first ten semifinalists: Acrodunk jumped and dunked through fire; The Texas Tenors channeled their inner Righteous Brothers; Paradizo Dance became a CBS sitcom couple; Drew Thomas transformed his hot assistants into creepy dolls; Tony Hoard & Rory caught every disc; The Voices of Glory sang Mariah Carey's most inspiring song that isn't "Hero"; The Fab Five became clogging drum majorettes; Grandma Lee got into Piers Morgan's shorts; Arcadian Broad used the "producers made me do it" excuse, and you should never use excuses (other than migraines); and Kevin Skinner impressed the judges by singing flatly.

I predicted that the singers, must like last season, would get most of the love from the voters, even though I didn't care for them much. As long as Acrodunk advances, I'll be happy. Will they, or will the singers stop them? Let's find out.

First in the spotlight are Arcadian Broad, The Texas Tenors, and Drew Thomas Magic. I just love how they're completely forgetting about Arcadian's little exposure of the behind-the-scenes iffiness. Anyway, this is an unfortunately and painfully obvious result as Drew Thomas Magic is eliminated, and then The Texas Tenors advance to the finals. Bleh. David wishes Arcadian the best of luck, but believes the Tenors could win. I'd rather have Kevin Skinner win, and you know I think he's overrated.

However, I definitely don't think these two are overrated, and I'm going to stand by that. It's Muppet superstars Miss Piggy and Kermit the Frog. They sing "Don't Go Breaking My Heart," which follows the shenanigans with Sharon and Piggy backstage. Kermit gives Nick a disc to play "In Case Piggy Throws a Fit" with romantic pictures on it. LOL! I just love the Muppets. They need their own primetime show again.

The laughs are over, so let's get to some tears. Grandma Lee, Tony Hoard & Rory, and Paradizo Dance must face the music now. I'm betting Grandma Lee gets the spot, since I predicted it, of course. Paradizo Dance is eliminated first, and I'm going to miss them. They grew on me. Both Grandma Lee and Tony & Rory grew on me as well, but only one of them can move on, and it is... Grandma Lee! I believe that makes her the oldest finalist ever, possibly worldwide. I hope she does a roast for her finale. That would SO rock!

Let's take another break from talent for a special guest "Hoff-ering," why don't we? Actor, singer, dancer, judge, and cheeseburger eater David Hasselhoff sings a black-and-white (at first) ersion of "Feelin' Good." Excuse me while I zone out. I zone in briefly to hear David never sound better, which isn't much of a feat for a jackhammer.

One more act has to go on and one more has to go home. All four remaining semifinalists step forward. Kevin Skinner will probably be moving forward next, so will Acrodunk, The Fab Five, or The Voices of Glory get eliminated next? We'll find out later, since Nick announces the third finalist, which to no one's surprise is... Kevin Skinner. Sigh. At least this gets Kevin to smile as big as he can, which is nice.

After Kevin's non-shocking advancement, the possibly shocking elimination of the night belongs to... Acrodunk. WHAT IS WRONG WITH THIS COUNTRY?! They take this stupid news much better than I am, that's for sure. I don't get it. I just don't get it.

Hopefully one of the overrated singing acts gets the boot, as The Voices of Glory and The Fab Five face the judges now. Sharon gets the first vote, and because she always votes for the cutest acts, she... can't vote? Hmm. David asks both acts not to look at him like that. He says the Voices of Glory are so young and have such a great future, while the Fab Five would be great finalists. Piers says that in deliberation, they were thinking of sending both on or both home. In the end, there will be no judges' pick – they are BOTH through to the finals.

OH COME ON!! If you were going to pick five acts anyway, why not give Acrodunk the chance to face the judges?! Also, if the top five vote-getters don't move on next week, you will not hear the end of it for me. Is this a new version of Fluxx or something, where the rules can just be whatever whenever? Can't this show keep a single thread of consistency, other than the pointlessness of the Hoff and the buzzers? Also, WHY IS ACRODUNK GONE?!

Oh, great, I just gave myself another migraine. Next week, the final ten semifinalists compete for four or five or maybe even six finals spots. They are: opera singer Barbara Padilla; wildcard wonder Drew Stevyns; singing sisters The EriAm Sisters; paso doble darlings Erik & Rickie; fast footed FootworKINGz; breakdancer Hairo Torres; sabotaged pianist Jeffrey Ou; velvet-voiced Lawrence Beamen; sexy and dangerous Mario & Jenny; and bucket drummers Recycled Percussion. Can we just go ahead and put Barbara, Drew, EriAm, and Lawrence in the finals, since they're singers and thus "so much more talented by default?" See ya then.

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Tyler can be reached at tejayes@yahoo.com. What do you like? What do you hate? I mean, besides rule changes.

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