America's Got Talent 4, The Finale: One Big Winner

Ladies, gentlemen, and Kanye West's ego! Welcome to the finale of the fourth season of America's Got Talent. Many talented acts vied for the million-dollar prize this season, and it will likely go to Kevin Skinner instead.

If you need a reminder what happened on Monday night, here it is: The Voices of Glory possibly gave their best performance; Hairo Torres went back to solo work, which didn't work for Piers; Lawrence Beamen turned on his Barry White circuits; Barbara Padilla re-owned her audition song; The Fab Five tapped into their talent at full force; The Texas Tenors did "My Way" their way; Drew Stevyns sang a Pretenders song like a pretender; Grandma Lee got a new baby daddy in Simon Cowell; Kevin Skinner had heart, which apparently is an adequate substitute for talent; and Recycled Percussion got wet and wild with "Wipeout." No, not the stupid ABC show which is at least twice as entertaining as this season of America's Got Talent has been.

We'll find out who won (Kevin) at the end of the two-hour mess-travaganza. First, we have to hear Piers Morgan say any of the acts (well, eight of them, at least) can win, Sharon Osbourne say she will miss this season (that makes one of us), and David Hasselhoff "hoffend" our senses with his puns again.

Next, with "Don't Leave Me This Way," is the top ten giving their obligatory group massacre of the finale. It starts with Barbara Padilla and the Texas Tenors singing like a choir, with Lawrence Beamen and The Voices of Glory joining in. Grandma Lee then introduces the original artist of the song, Thelma Houston. Thelma has some crazy hair for her age. Kevin Skinner gets a duet with Thelma, and he proves he can't sing anything other than country. Compared to him, I welcome Drew Stevyns' solo, and Lawrence Beamen does well as well. Recycled Percussion, The Fab Five, and Hairo Torres take over for the instrumental break for the best moment of the whole performance. Okay, so the group number + Thelma Houston wasn't bad at all. All the while, Grandma Lee just looks confused. I don't blame her.

A winner will be crowned soon, but let's fill some time with a winner from the UK's X Factor. Once a humble receptionist, she's now chart-topping superstar Leona Lewis singing her new single, "Happy." Though her music is not my thing, Leona sure can belt, can't she?

Nick lies about this season being the best yet, which is the cue for the crazy bad audition montage to "The Best." A few actually made it to Vegas, like Brad Byers, Bruce & Simone, and Tony Ferrante, but the rest just aren't worth remembering. Which is why some of them are coming back for a group performance to "Ain't No Stopping Us Now." Chris Kegley starts on guitar, and he's not bad. The song gets into full gear with Tony Ferrante and, I believe, the Positive Brothers dancing. El Vegas starts the vocals, and at least has moves. Ashley Groff screams like a banshee with Eddie & the Puppet Divas on the side.

The Guadix Sisters try to dance, and they can't sing either. Jeffrey Johns can't sing, either, but he's not a terrible dancer. Heavy Vee takes that role instead while Nasty Nate continues the bad vocals and Bruce & Simone perform above the crowd. Marti Brill conjures a dove and beats some confetti out of it (it's fake, folks). It ends with a magician's assistant disappearing into a box, and the curtain falls to reveal Grandma Lee... and Piers Morgan... in wedding clothes! That made this exercise in pain worth it.

Next up is Cirque du Soleil with their take on Vaudeville called "Banana Shpeel." There's singing, slapstick, and tap dancing (which is pretty good compared to the rest). The performance comes together by the end, but I'm still having trouble believing this is really Cirque du Soleil. It's like they don't care about artistry anymore since they're so popular. Stick to Zumanity, Cirque.

One more product-placed popcorn piece for the season, and they're finally over!

Since we already had the bad audition montage, here's a montage of auditions from top 40 members. And a few more pieces of suck like Rafael Serrano (surprised he wasn't in the group number). The journey continues with scenes of some of the best moments, like Kelli Glover acting like a diva, Barbara Padilla's semifinal performance, Acrodunk getting robbed, and refreshingly little Kevin Skinner.

Now we can get to business by revealing the top five. The acts will come down two at a time, and one each will be leaving. The first pair is Hairo Torres vs. Barbara Padilla. Gee, a dancer bashed by Piers versus an opera singing favorite. Do I need to tell you that Barbara is in the top five? Next up are Lawrence Beamen and The Voices of Glory. This could go either way, or it could even be a double cut. Turns out it's not a double cut, as... The Voices of Glory made the top five. They deserve it.

The Texas Tenors and The Fab Five join Nick next, and I'm afraid this will go in the Tenors' favor, even though The Fab Five were SO much better. I was right... The Texas Tenors are in the top five. Sigh.

Hmm, Kevin, Drew, Grandma Lee, and Recycled Percussion are still waiting. If it's Kevin and Drew, it's proof that America can't appreciate non-singers. The next two on the block are Kevin Skinner and... Drew Stevyns. Oh, good, there is a non-singer in the top five. The fourth singing act in the top five is... Kevin Skinner. Geez, like anyone expected him to lose now.

That leaves Grandma Lee and Recycled Percussion, another vote I could see go either way. It ends up going the way of... Recycled Percussion! Sorry, people in the audience chanting for Grandma Lee. She needs her own show before she goes into the nursing home.