Brock Yates describes himself as having an “anarchistic streak.” It’s that streak that possessed him to create the “Cannonball Run,” a race from New York to California. There was only one entrant in that first Cannonball – Yates himself. By 1979, the fifth Cannonball had forty entrants and had become a cult phenomenon, spawning a movie written by Yates himself and starring Burt Reynolds and an all-star cast.
But none of that matters now, as the USA Network has forever tarnished the image of the mighty Cannonball Run. Their series started on Sunday night and will continue every night until the finale on Friday. If you missed any episodes, USA will be replaying them throughout the next day so that you can watch it. But why in God’s name would you want to? I’m enduring this excruciating pain so you don’t have to. That’s just the kind of guy I am.
Let’s begin with a quick introduction to the six teams. All six start with two drivers, then will pick up surprise teammates. We’ll get to that:
Forbidden Fruit, driving a 1961 Pink Cadillac. And no, they don’t even bother to spring for the rights to the song. Anyway, it’s driven by two Playboy Playmates. One of them (no, I don’t care what their names are, nor does anyone whose seen the issues they were in, I’ll bet) claims they want to be seen as more than a pretty face. Shockingly, the one who says it er, isn’t pretty. Most people probably have never LOOKED at her face, and so never noticed.
Hip Hop, driving a Purple Chevy Impala Low Rider. Two homeboys. Two really LOUD homeboys. Two really loud, obnoxious homeboys.
Third Wheel, driving a Pontiac GTO. The name will make sense later. This team consists of a “committed, loving couple.”
The Castaways, driving a Hearse. Ugh. Driven by Jeff Varner (from Survivor 2) and Susan Hawk (from Survivor 1). About the only way they could have gotten a more irritating pair was if it were Gilbert Gottfried and Fran Drescher. God, I hope the producers aren’t reading this, because they’ll be on next year for sure.
Hog Wild, driving a GMC Monster Truck. Two good-old-boys. And they’re THRILLED to be driving the monster truck (all the vehicles are assigned to the teams by the producers).
Alpha Gamma, driving a bright yellow Camaro. Two frat guys. Think Beavis and Butthead except without the musical references, and you’ve got it.
Our hosts for this momentous event are Krista Herman, Bill Weir, and Lee Reherman. I’ve never heard of any of them, but Lee looks strangely familiar. A quick check of IMDB confirms that he was “Hawk” on American Gladiators. Now THAT was a show. When your career takes a step DOWN from American Gladiators, that’s really saying something. But I am a proud member of the American Gladiators Fan Club, so who am I to talk?
Anyway, the game starts at Grand Central Station with Mr. Cannonball himself, Brock Yates. So sad to see a man of great achievements be reduced to this. He gives each team a key that opens a briefcase on one of five terminals. The briefcase will give them directions to the car (which they must find on foot), maps, a picture of the car, and so on.
It’s a madcap scramble to the briefcases, and to summarize (as I wasn’t really paying much attention) the cars are lined up in a small parking lot, trapped in behind three other cars. The contestants must locate their car and find the keys which will move the three cars blocking their car. All the keys are located on a valet keyboard, see, and they have to hunt Price Is Right-style until they find the right one. It was almost as exciting to watch as it is to read about, trust me.
Jeff and Susan prove to everyone that they didn’t just LOOK like morons on Survivor. They do this by getting completely lost, and as a result are the last to leave the parking lot. Hip Hop was first, I believe, but I really refuse to go back and watch this crap again to make sure.
Along the way we get some explanations of the rules. First off, they’re not allowed to speed or break the law in any way. It’s at this point that I began banging my head against the wall. At any rate, I could have sworn that Weir told us that they weren’t allowed to sabotage the other players, but as we’ll soon see, that rule goes out the window pretty quick. The teams must race to specific checkpoints, where they’ll get meals, more cash, and directions to the next checkpoint. Along the way they’ll have various challenges. Ooh boy.
The chicks’ and the happy couples’ cars both break down on the way to the first checkpoint in Virginia. Yeah, more stuff happens but it’s intensely boring. The two team have to get the cars towed to the checkpoint, which will cost them an hour the next morning in penalty time. So I guess there are mechanics at the checkpoints? Hip Hop is still in first at Checkpoint 1.
As the drivers prepare to leave the next morning, The Bad Apples prove they’re not just pretty bodie- er, faces, but they’re sore losers. While Hip Hop are out of their hotel room (without their luggage or equipment) the females coat Hip Hop’s hotel room doorknob with baby oil (man, that stuff comes in handy for SO many things) and break off a toothpick in the lock. So much for “no sabotage.” When Hip Hop return to the room, the girls play innocent, in an acting job that would make William Shatner shake his head with embarrassment.
Their challenge on this day is a demolition derby. The racers have to navigate a course (in a different, specially waiting demolition car) around trained demolition derby drivers and knock down a target. I suppose this time will be added to their race time, I don’t know. When they return to their race cars, they’ll have “the shock of their lives” waiting for them – their specially chosen third teammate. Buckle yourself in, not since Jack Tripper pretended to be gay so he could move in with two women have such Wacky Off-the-wall Hijinks ensued!!
Hip Hop gets a man in his fifties, a good old country boy. He looks like Aaron Tippin (country singer), only older. The homies look like they don’t care one way or the other, but the Old Boy is none too pleased.
Forbidden Fruit (what an asinine name) get a 25-year-old Seminary student. Yuk Yuk Yuk. See, they’re naked models, and he’s studying to be a Priest! Comic genius! (Yes, that was sarcasm.)
Third Wheel finds out the meaning of their team name, as their third is…an old girlfriend of the guy’s. Woof. All three are somewhat upset by this, and I can’t blame them. I’m personally hoping for a breakup here, and a lawsuit. Then again, the acting is so horrid that I have a hard time believing that ANY of this is real. Yes, friends, Burt Reynolds did a better acting job than these guys. Chew on that.
The Castaways get Kaya from Temptation Island as their third. Don’t know who he is, but I don’t care either, so there you have it.
Hog Wild are teamed with a straight-laced conservative (and not bad looking) Ivy League woman. Of course, the rednecks are upset with being teamed with a smelly stupid girl. No word on when the first meeting of the “Get Rid Of Slimy girlS” club will officially meet.
Alpha Gamma, lastly, receive an old woman named Princess. She – get this – drives slowly. And she doesn’t want to talk about sex. Oh, the hilarity. I can’t make this stuff up, people.
With their teams complete, our six continue on to Georgia. Nobody likes their teammates, except for the Castaways, who look so stupidly happy that they would have accepted Pauly Shore as their teammate. Crap, there I go, giving the producers ideas again.
Hip Hop and Pop (Dr. Seuss is rolling over in his grave, I’m sure) finish the debut episode in first place. As to who finishes where after that, if you really want to know, I truly have pity on you.
That’s a full hour of my life I’ll never get back. I haven’t hated a show this much…well, ever. After this series is over, I plan to write a review of The Cannonball Run movie, just to cleanse my palate. And to prove how truly sad this show is.
Please e-mail me if you saw the show – especially if you liked it. I’m curious to see what you think. Until next time, I am Mike DeGeorge, and I think I’m going to have nightmares about being trapped in a car with the Castaways.
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