Cannonball Run, Episode 2: One Down, But It’s Not Enough

Muchos gracias to the many folks who wrote in with kind words. I should point out here that I got universally positive response from the first column, except for one e-mail. I considered reprinting the e-mail here but I have not gotten her permission so I’ll respond to her (and any others who didn’t like my negativity from Sunday’s show who chose not to send me e-mail).

First off, my purpose here (and, if I may speak for David, the purpose of this website) is not to “promote” reality TV. Rather, we serve to review, report, and comment on the various aspects of the phenomenon of reality television. I feel no obligation to “promote” or even “respect” these shows. Cannonball Run has its own webpage for that. In fact, my sole obligation in writing this column is to give my opinion, whatever that opinion might be. Anything less would be insulting the reading audience. It’s called “journalistic integrity.”

Just because you and “a lot of people” liked the show, or even if some phantom reaction to the show was “generally positive,” doesn’t necessarily make it good. My entire household watched the show and we all agreed that it was trash. Every other e-mailer has told me the show stunk. Everyone I have spoken to who saw it didn’t like it. That’s quite a disparity of opinion. Just because I write for a reality website doesn’t mean my opinion is any more valid than anyone else’s, but I seem to have struck a chord with a lot of people.

Finally, my opinion is MY OWN and does not represent RealityNewsOnline. I write this column because, frankly, I thought this would be a good show. And to answer your other complaint of, “If I hated it so much, why did I watch it?” well…my psychic powers were a little low Sunday night, so I couldn’t exactly predict that I’d hate it. Honestly, I would have turned it off after the first break had I not promised David I would write this column. If you don’t like my reviews, don’t read them. RNO is a fine site, with many diverse opinions, so I’m sure you can find other articles to your liking.

If you liked the show, that’s your business. If I seemed a bit condescending in my review, I apologize to everyone who was offended. But I have my opinion, that being that this show is awful.

Enough of that. On to the show!

I made mention in last night’s column that I thought Cannonball Run 2001 was staged. I’m becoming more and more convinced of that as I watch every minute of the show. I’ll go into more detail as this article progresses. If the show IS, in fact, faked, it would truly be sad that they have done such a bad job of it, especially in light of the Stacey Stillman lawsuit against Survivor. In fact, after watching last night’s episode, I think I would be enjoying this show a LOT more if it WERE actually fake.

As we start off, I see I forgot to mention that Forbidden Fruit’s (see photo above) car broke down again in Georgia last episode, and they decided to “trade” their Pink Cadillac to a mechanic for a different car. FAKE ALERT #1: The ‘hot chicks’ team in Cannonball Run II did almost the exact same thing. They ‘borrowed’ a car from some guy using their feminine wiles, drove it until it broke down and borrowed another (eventually finishing the race with Joe Theismann, by the way, so you can see how well THAT turned out).

At the start of each episode, the teams will have to take part in a physical challenge in order to start that day’s race, like the parking lot challenge in the first episode. This morning, they’re in a pig pen. No, really. There are 30 pigs, each with a colored collar, five pigs per team. Each pig has a key attached to its collar, but only one key will start the car. So the teams have to find a pig with their color, catch it, get the key and hope it will start the car. Then, they can take off covered in pig slop. Pleasant.

Hip Hop on Pop find the right key on the first try, and squeal out of the pasture (oh, that was bad; I have to apologize for that one). However, as they (and the others eventually) get to the pasture gate, they find that it is locked.

As it turns out, The Castaways contacted a guy they know in town and had him chain the gate shut, intending that they would be the first ones out, unlock the gate, and lock it behind them. Brilliant plan, but it kind of falls apart when they’re dead last. I’m actually starting to like the Castaways. They’re still annoying, but they’re providing the scant bit of entertainment in the show.

FAKE ALERT #2: How in the blue hell were the Castaways able to manage this? They’re expecting us to believe that they knew someone in this town, called him up, directed him to this pasture (which they couldn’t find last night), and had him lock the gate. It’s also assuming that they scouted the entire pasture (which looked pretty large), knew there was only one gate, and also knew that gate was their exit point. That’s not stretching credibility, that’s turning it into Silly Putty.

The other teams are understandably upset at this, and each team nudges their car as close to the gate as possible. Hog Wild, in their monster truck, probably could have plowed through the fence or over the other cars, but I suppose that never occurred to them.

By the way, I found an answer to my “sabotage” question from yesterday. Apparently, it’s perfectly acceptable to sabotage the other teams, you’re just not allowed to tamper with their car in any way. So slipping a mickey into someone’s drink is fine, but sugar in a gas tank is forbidden? It’s good to see the producers have their priorities straight.

The locked gate leads to a huge clusterf*** of six cars all bunched together, and eighteen people all screaming at once. The Frat Boys maneuver their car to block everyone, and the nice young gentlemen of Hog Wild almost beat the crap out of them. THAT would make for some reality TV, I tell you.

The geniuses in the Playboy Bunny car grab the keys out of The Castaway’s hearse. The obvious Honor Student Natalia (the one who claimed yesterday that they weren’t just pretty faces) points out that “a key is not part of a car,” so it was legal. By that argument, you could slash someone’s tires and argue that the tires are not part of the car. What a freakin’ moron.

Fruit for Brains are disqualified, and must immediately remove their car from the roadway. My enjoyment of this show just went up exponentially. The good sport that she is, Natalia throws the hearse key on the ground and stomps off with their keys, refusing to move the car. The seminary student proves that he is truly mismatched with the others, since he shows some class and moves their car out of the way, saying “We broke the rules, and we paid for it.”

The Castaways open the gate with the condition that they are the first ones out. There’s a lot of talk about alliances here, but it comes to absolutely nothing and only was included as a cheap reference to Survivor’s alliances anyway, so I won’t be going into any detail.

Finally, the contestants are on their way. Next stop is Pearl, Mississippi. At this point, we learn about “Morality Challenges.” Instead of a Skill Challenge like the demolition derby, this one is a mental challenge. Uh oh, these guys are in trouble. Apparently, there are a number of “staged breakdowns” on the route. Teams can stop when they see a disabled vehicle. If they do stop, they get an “EZ Pass” which will apparently help them later. One of the things that REALLY irritates me about this show is they don’t bother to explain why the EZ Passes will help, which makes it less than thrilling to see the contestants get so excited about them later.

Oh, yeah, if they stop for a “real breakdown” they’ll lose time and have “nothing to show for it.” Nice attitude. I can imagine a scene cut from the show:

{A team pulls over next to a disabled car}
CONTESTANT: Are you guys paid actors for the Cannonball Run 2001?
MOTORIST: No, we’re really stuck. Our car’s broken down, Grandma’s got heat stroke, and my wife is pregnant and about to deliver any second.
CONTESTANT: Oh, sorry. We’re doing a reality show. Love to help, but can’t. Gotta go.
{team drives away}

Lovely.

It’s around this time that Third Wheel starts to have problems. The guy is getting ticked because his girlfriend and his ex are becoming friends. He tries to be a jerk to his ex which only serves to tick both women off. Dude, being a jerk to your ex in front of your current girlfriend is THE ABSOLUTE WORST thing you can possibly do in that situation. Your current girlfriend will immediately picture you doing the same thing to her later, and you’ll be in trouble with two women. Either way, the guy’s manhood is getting extremely threatened, and it’s funny as hell.

Horton Hears a Hip Hop get pulled over in rural Mississippi by the Highway Patrol. Oh hell, they’re screwed. This is the second time they’ve been pulled over, and they’re getting tired of it. Count yourselves lucky you’ve got a camera there with you, guys. I used to live in Memphis, unfortunately, and I have nothing but sympathy for two black guys in a low rider getting pulled over in the South. Apparently, the cops have them handcuffed on their knees with their guns drawn on them. Someone called the cops and warned them about a couple guys driving around with guns in the car, so they stopped Hip Hop.

FAKE ALERT #3: The cops are supposedly doing this with a camera crew in the car, and Hip Hop are driving a car with a large garish symbol on the side. Yeah, felons usually drive flashy cars. Cops usually stop family-type cars on drug busts, since that’s the most common type of car used. Unless a description of the car was given. If that’s not bad enough, Burt Reynolds did the same thing to Sammy Davis Jr. and Dean Martin in Cannonball Run II.

I should point out that of the four teams, HH&P seem to be getting along much better than everyone else. The redneck is making an effort to fit in with the guys, and the guys have toned it down out of respect for the redneck. These guys have respect for each other? What the hell kind of reality show is this? I should also point out that only one of the Hip Hop dudes is loud and obnoxious, the other one is actually kind of quiet. This show really needs to find better people to fit their stereotypes. Hog Wild and their girl are also getting along quite well.

Beavis and Butthead apparently find a shortcut, and end this segment in first place. Again, they never really tell us how lead changes happen (except for when Hip Hop are stopped). The Castaways end the segment in fourth after beginning in first, which makes absolutely no sense. Then again, I still have no clue how they’re keeping time in the first place, since places are determined by who arrives at the Checkpoints first, not taking into account previous times. Another reason why it’s so hard to like this show.

At the hotel, we’re “treated” to a few snippets of conversation between the teams. When my girlfriend’s 16-year old son walks out on the show, proclaiming it “more boring than the Real World,” you’ve got trouble. The Frat Boys and Gramma are shown in their room, which is strewn with clothes. Wouldn’t you think you’d pack light if you were in a race? The Castaways are targeting the Frat Boys, and they hate Kaya. The Third Wheel is still having problems. The girlfriend tries to convince the guy that he’s not going to lose her, which of course means he’s going to lose her. She mentions Jeff by name, which is really odd because I hadn’t heard any mention of the two of them in the first place. Am I just not paying attention?

The next day begins with a staggered start, each team starting in the order they arrived, and leave the same number of minutes behind that they finished. That’s all well and good, but what about their times for the first day (last episode)? Were they included? What about the Demolition Derby times, how does that figure in? They started at the same time at Checkpoint Two, so did they forget about the first two segments? I’ve lost count of the number of times I’ve just had to accept something about this show because they don’t explain it.

The next morning, as the Frat Boys try to leave, they are suddenly surrounded by cars. All the cars park and pop their trunks, falling victim to a mass power failure or something. The funny part comes when the frat boys try to force the other cars to move, trying to threaten the other drivers and failing miserably. These guys are so clueless as to what is going on, it’s hilarious. Sometimes you just wish for the Monty Python 16-ton anvil, you know?

As it turns out, The Castaways have struck again. They’ve apparently convinced an entire fleet of cars to block in the Frat Boys. This is, obviously, FAKE ALERT #4, and if you have to have me explain why, maybe you should just give up now. This one reminds me of the funeral procession from Smokey and the Bandit, which wasn’t Cannonball but was still Burt Reynolds, so is close enough for me.

If that wasn’t bad enough, a cop shows up, and we’re expected to believe that Susan convinces him to play along. Oh, PLEASE! This is getting more ridiculous by the second. You really expect me to buy this? I found out today that Jeff and Susan were actually paid by the producers to participate in the race, which, as you might expect, gives us FAKE ALERT #5!

Why in God’s name didn’t they just tell us this, and make their team like The Mole? You could keep this fact a secret from the others and maintain a shred of credibility, and, God forbid, actually try to make this game exciting. So far the only enjoyment I’ve gotten out of this show is laughing at how utterly moronic everyone is.

The Frat Boys (Gramma has become a non-factor, by the way. We’re told she sleeps constantly. Shouldn’t there be a rule about teammates splitting the driving duties?) eventually make it out of the parking lot, and the show begins. A few of the teams stop for Morality Challenges, some are real, some aren’t. As I said before, this is all meaningless. The Castaways argue about whether or not to stop and potentially lose time, and of course we don’t know which is right since we have no freaking clue how the EZ Passes help!

If I am starting to sound like a broken record here, I apologize. But they’re taking a good fifteen minutes showing all these EZ Passes, so I imagine it’s important. It’d be nice to know.

The Third Wheel STILL has problems. The guy tries to apologize to the two women as he drives, with the two in the backseat. His girlfriend rubs his right arm as he talks, trying to reassure him. Then, in another hilarious moment, the ex rubs his LEFT arm out of the girlfriend’s sight, and the guy’s reaction to this is priceless. He starts talking about how glad he is that the two girls are getting along. If these three have a “spontaneous” menage-a-trois, I will declare this show a fraud immediately. On the other hand, you can just TELL the guy is thinking about it, and I thought he was going to bring it up right then and there.

At Checkpoint Four, we have the same standings as Checkpoint Three, with the Frat Boys leading. Apparently, we were supposed to do an elimination challenge at this point between the fifth and sixth place teams, but the Airheads disqualification renders it unnecessary. Much like this whole series, actually.

Tuesday night: Someone tampers with the Castaways’ car! And lots and lots of puking! Yay!

Please e-mail me and let me know what you think. I appreciate the feedback I’ve gotten, and would like to ask readers: which team is your favorite, and which team would you like to see get lost in “Dueling Banjos” territory, and why?

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