Cannonball Run, Episode 3: So Bad It's Funny

One e-mail correspondent hit the nail right on the head. I love to hate this show. I watch it just because I hate it so much, and I want to be able to make fun of it. It’s so bad it’s good.

Although I don’t hate everything about the show. I’ve really started to like Hip Hop and Pop (see photo, above), and I’m officially rooting for them to win. However, I don’t think they will, which leads me to my next point.

I’m more convinced than ever that it’s fake. I’d been thinking about this, and it all finally fell into place. It was actually the guy who helped out with the challenge at the end of episode 3 that made it click for me. Remember how Jeff and Susan claimed that they’d gotten paid to appear, then they supposedly set up all these sabotages for the others?

The Castaways are The Moles for USA. The producers of the show are using them as their front, having them take the credit for the schemes when it’s really the producers who are doing all the work. There’s absolutely no way The Castaways could have arranged all of it, as I detailed last episode. There’s nothing WRONG with that, and if it’s true, I would think it would add some intrigue to the contest. God knows it needs some. But if it’s true, why not admit it? Then I wondered, what if the Castaways win? It seems to me that having The Castaways win would be a convenient way of getting around paying out “the lion’s share” of the $100,000 prize, since it would be their appearance fees, right?

I should point out that this is all my theory, and it’s all in my head. I have absolutely NO proof of this, and to be quite honest, I don’t really care if it IS fake. I just wish the producers would admit it instead of trying to cling to the ‘reality’ bandwagon.

I’ve also received information that the seminary student (Forbidden Fruit’s teammate) was supposed to be paid $1200 from the producers. Now whether that would be his share of the sixth place purse or another appearance fee, I don’t know. But it sure sounds funny, doesn’t it?

And to close out this discussion for now, there’s one other problem that keeps bugging me: how can the hosts keep getting from the challenges to the finish lines before the contestants?

Finally, I’ve also heard that the blonde girl in Third Wheel was already a contestant on Chains of Love. No word on whether her “boyfriend” was on the show with her. In my mind, that just adds to my suspicions.

Episode 3 starts with discussion of the EZ Passes, and who has how many. As the last word on this subject, I understand that the EZ Passes will help them with future challenges. But since the main challenge so far in the show had been the Demolition Derby, I just didn’t see how it mattered.

Either way, Jane, the blonde from Third Wheel, offers to give Jeff one of their EZ Passes (to show their loyalty to the alliance or something) and by her body language, seems to be offering him a whole lot more. Good grief, if she stuck those breasts out any further she’d fall over. Just more fake things about this show (and I’ll leave it up to you to determine what I mean).

Again I must point out that each team starts at the same time, which totally throws any reason to try to win these early stages out the window. Well, I suppose you have to avoid finishing in the bottom two, but other than that, IT JUST DOESN’T MATTER! And, yet again, they still haven’t pointed any of this out to us at home.

Episode 3’s challenge has something to do with jacking. Each team is given a rental car with two tires off. All the other tires are in a pile, and they must find the correct tires (color-coded, I believe) and put them on the rental car so that it rolls forward, at which point they can take off in their cars.

Hip Hop and Pop leave first, followed by Hog Wild, which make it REALLY difficult to avoid the obvious jokes. The others follow shortly behind except for The Castaways. Sue is trying to put her tire on by kicking it, which works about as well as you might expect.

The first challenge is just a mile or so down the road, a “chop shop maze.” The team members enter the maze one at a time, find a part color-coded to their team, and so on until the team finds their five parts. AHA! The teams can use two EZ Passes and skip this challenge altogether. They could have said so yesterday, you know. Anyway, all the teams decide to use their EZ Passes except for Hog Wild, who don’t have any.

As Phi Beta Krappa try to leave, they realize Gramma has already wandered into the maze. They can’t go in to get her, since the rules specify only one team member in the maze at all times. Gramma wanders around the maze for over fifteen minutes (see photo at left), as I laugh so hard my stomach hurts. After all the criticism, I must give the producers credit here. It was absolutely hilarious how they cut between Gramma doddering through the maze and the Frat Boys trying to lead her out. Truly classic.

By the end of the first half of this leg, the Rednecks are in fourth due to them having to complete the challenge, with Frat Crap in fifth. This is important since the fourth and fifth teams at the end of this leg must face each other in an elimination challenge. Of course, my boys, Hip Hop and Pop are in first.

Not much happens overnight, as they do some more talk of alliances. I still think alliances make no sense in this game, except to compare your show to Survivor, I guess. Hipty Hopty ‘put a hit out’ on The Castaways, whatever that means. Sorry stewardess, I don’t speak jive. A staggered start once again begins the second half.

Again, the first challenge of the day is less than a mile away. In another hilarious moment, Third Wheel gets completely lost due to the women jabbering in his ear as he drives. And, of course, the man refuses to ask for directions, preferring to follow the Frat Boys to the stop from the hotel.

I’ve gotta say, Third Wheel will be lucky to get out of this show with all of its members alive. Between the girls yelling in the guys ear as he drives, to his constant chest-thumping, to the blonde’s infatuation with Jeff, not to mention the built-in tension, one of these three is gonna snap, and snap HARD.

The “Chow a Cow” Challenge, I should point out, comes at 10:30 in the morning, right after the contestants have had breakfast. Two of the three team members have to eat, between them, a salad, a roll, and a FOUR AND A HALF POUND STEAK! They have an hour to finish, or they can use two EZ Passes. Oh, yeah, the two eaters have their hands tied behind their backs, and they have to be fed by the third member.

The usual uncomfortable eating-contest display follows. Holy crap, this can’t be healthy. I doubt I could eat two pounds of steak on an empty stomach, let alone right after a meal. It’s pretty disgusting, although those boot shaped drinking glasses are pretty neat.

Hip Hop finishes and leaves the restaurant (the quiet one and the redneck having eaten for the team) before Third Wheel or the Frat Boys even get there. I should point out that the bigger one of Hog Wild refuses to eat because red meat makes him sick. Man, you should be ashamed to call yourself a redneck! The Slimy Girl, who has fit in well with these guys – to the point where she rings the cowbell (freakin’ Old Miss fans…) whenever they start to drive away – eats for the team along with the other redneck.

The Third Wheel uses their EZ Passes (sissies) and take off. The Castaways are third, stopping for Susan to visit her friend Ralph a couple of times. She feels much better by the way. Good thing this isn’t on in the dinner hour. The Frat Boys finish in TWENTY-ONE minutes. Good LORD, they’re running out of the restaurant after that. That was…something, I have to admit. Hog Wild are last, after that wonderful show of guts (oh….sorry!) by the only real redneck in that car.

On the road, The Castaways keep trying to stop for EZ Passes, even though they haven’t announced that there would be any. Hmm. Then, cars surround The Castaways and slow them down, and they think the Frat Boys set it up. No, that would require having friends. Hip Hop (supposedly) put out the word on the streets, yo, that their homies needed some flava, or something. I’m once again convinced that the producers set it up, but we know that already, right?

The Hip Hop car begins to smoke. Rather than try to fix it and lose time (even though it won’t matter the next morning) they decide to keep driving until the engine blows, since they’ll be able to get a new car at the next finish line. Good enough logic, and it in fact works out exactly that way: they blow their engine but are towed into first anyway. And, in far and away my favorite moment of the whole series, the Quiet One of the rappers stares in amazement as the Fireman hungrily tucks into a sandwich, just a few hours after all that steak. I salute you, sir!

In the Third Wheel car, the girls complain about everything on God’s green Earth. I swear, whenever I see the inside of that car all I hear is “meepmeepmeepmeepmeepmeep.” Bob and Tom Show listeners know what I mean. Anyway, the girls never get to drive, probably because that blonde is too freakin busy putting on makeup! Give it a rest, honey!

The Frat Boys and Two Rednecks and a Girlie Man are in fourth and fifth, which means they will go head to head in a “Gas Siphoning” challenge. The rednecks should win this easily, right? Well, maybe if they actually were a couple of real rednecks. In another funny spot, they show the two Frat Boys celebrating, then close-up to their car. All of a sudden we hard Gramma yell “I can’t get out!” Not quite “I’ve fallen, and I can’t get up!” but funny nonetheless.

Phi Beta Krappa barely edge out Hog Mild, and the not-redneck looks like he screwed up his knee real good there at the end by slipping on some spilled gasoline. Between the slippery surface and the dangerous gas-siphoning, I once again admire the respect the producers of the show have for their contestants.

Hugs are exchanged as the Rednecks are eliminated. The other guy says the big guy (no, I refuse to learn their names, thank you) is crushed because this was his dream, and he wanted this really badly. Huh? Run that by me again? Personally, I tend to think he was more upset at being beaten at a contest he should have won, by the team he hated the most, and possibly destroying his knee in the process (which the show and the other contestants ignore, of course) in what might be the worst “Reality Show” of all time. Besides, if it was so important maybe he could have, you know, TRIED in that meat eating contest, maybe?

As we end the show, we learn that Hip Hop and Pop will take over the Monster Truck since their car is dead. The old guy should be happy about that.

Episode 4: Tempers REALLY start to flare! YEAH!

Once again, I’d like to thank everyone for the feedback. Not everyone hates the show as much as I do, but they’ve all been a pleasure to read this time. E-Mail me with your thoughts on the series so far. Until next time, thanks for reading, and GO HIP HOP AND POP!

If you missed them, check out the previous episodes:

• Cannonball Run, Episode 1: The Fun Never Starts
• Cannonball Run, Episode 2: One Down, But It’s Not Enough

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