Night Four of Cannonball Run 2001 begins with another challenge. Each car has 500 of those magnetic ‘hide-a-key’ boxes attached to it, and only one of the boxes has the right key inside. This looks like a particularly brutal challenge to me. I think it’s funny how Phi Beta Krappa makes Gramma pick up the empty boxes they throw down. Yeah, make the old woman do all the bending, sure. The Third Wheel get lucky and find theirs first, and How Hip Hop Stole Christmas is last. The Old Guy claims “We may be in last now, but we’re ending the day in first!”
On the road, all four teams get caught in a major traffic jam, caused by a car fire. The Castaways and Phi Beta Krappa exit the highway, while Third Wheel exits and gets right back on, since the car fire is just past the exit ramp. Oh, the Places You’ll Hip Hop just stay on the highway and end up vaulting into second while the two teams who exited get lost.
Shortly afterward, all four teams stop at the same gas station. Not much happens except for Kaya (left) and Sue of The Castaways getting into a huge screaming match while the other teams watch in amazement. Kaya thinks Sue doesn’t respect him. Well, what’s not to respect about a pretty-boy airhead who keeps appearing on bad reality shows? Sue earns my undying praise by saying something like “OK, fine, I respect you. Just stop being such a p***y.” Tremendous.
Back on the road again, the guy in the Third Wheel is about to slit his own wrists with a rusty knife after staying in a car with those two for the past week. “Speed Up. Slow Down. Don’t let them pass. Slow Down. Watch Out.” Good Lord, woman, take the man’s unit out of your purse, would you? The blonde tells the camera she doesn’t know if they’ll stay together, what with all the cute Survivor people and sweet Hip Hoppers around, you know? The guy is confident that they’ll make it, and his ex is sure they’ll break up.
Now, I’m still not convinced that they’re a real couple, but for the moment, I’ll assume they are. Blondie, you’re a total and complete bitch. Either be loyal to your boyfriend or don’t have one. You may be a cute blonde whore with huge funbags, but that doesn’t give you license to treat men like your personal playthings, to be used whenever it suits you. He may be a screw-up, but he IS trying. Either accept it or cut the boy loose.
To the guy: Instead of staying with this witch, have the Hip Hop and Pop team kick you in the nuts a few dozen times. It’ll be less painful, trust me. NO woman is worth putting up with that bullcrap. And to the ex: You dumped HIM, so deal with it.
For those of you who think I’m being a bit hard on Blondie here, check out MightyBigTV and click on “Shows” at the top to find a recap of her Chains of Love episode (#4). I should warn you, it has some strong language. A sample: “She intends to play up what she’s got going for her (read: t*ts).” I couldn’t have said it any better. Jane wins because she has the largest breasts, but walks out on the guy at the end after he gives her money. Oh, what a whore. If anyone has a video of this show, PLEASE e-mail me and I’ll be your friend for life. Well, no, but maybe I’ll pretend to be.
End of rant. We now return you to your regularly scheduled report.
By the end of the day, Hip Hop have indeed proven to be as good as Captain Carl’s (hey, he wore the shirt) word, and have finished in first. The Castaways, after getting completely lost on a dirt road (that’s what you get for using MapQuest, Jeff!) finish in last. Nothing really happens overnight, except for the blonde bimbo sticking her breasts in the Quiet rapper’s face, to his obvious delight. She says he’s got an enormous…drive to succeed, and she likes that. I don’t know what it is, but she took a handful of dippy blonde pills this morning or something, because I don’t remember her being quite this…blonde before.
The next morning, instead of leaving the hotel in the staggered start, the teams start their challenge based on their finish times from the past night. Two of each team have to rappel down a 200-foot cliff before the team can leave.
The Quiet rapper starts for Hip Hop, and he looks to be having a rough time. Not so rough as blondie, who freaks out after about ten feet. The Loud rapper, being deathly afraid of heights, heckles Blondie the whole way down and manages to righteously tick off the ex. I would have figured the ex to do this one, but she’s stuck on the ground whining about how Hip Hop are cheating. Wah, wah.
Anyway, Pop flies down the cliff, obviously having done this before, and Hip Hop hold on to first. Blondie finally finishes, and the Guy makes his descent pretty quickly as well. The ex watches on, obviously impressed. It’s a little late for that now, wouldn’t you think?
The Third Wheel and Phi Beta Krappa arrive back to the cars (they had to take Jeeps down to the rappel site) at about the same time. As the Frat Boys go to leave, they realize that Gramma is still in the Jeep. She’s fallen, and she can’t get up again! One of them (I can’t tell them apart) goes to get her while the other stands in front of Third Wheel’s car. The guy tries to wrestle him out of the way (Oh, geez…Tazz from Tough Enough would be SO embarrassed!) and Third Wheel makes it out, as the ex almost drives off without him.
Next stop, Las Vegas. Hip Hop’s Pop elects to take a longer route, avoiding the Hoover Dam traffic and finishing first while the other three teams go slowly over the Dam. Third Wheel must have stopped for the Dam Tour or to get some Dam Souvenirs, because they lose second Dam place along the way and finish in Dam third. Or maybe it was the ex’s constant Dam whining that dragged them down. All I know is these guys have overtaken Phi Beta Krappa as my least favorite Dam team, and that’s saying something. Either way, The Castaways finish last because Sue is still trying to get EZ Passes, even though nobody else has mentioned them in two days. They stop for a U-Haul, and the guy wants to use the phone. Kaya wants to leave (just like my scenario from Episode 2, huh?) but they stay and help him out anyway.
The Castaways and Third Wheel have to face off in en Elimination Challenge. One team member drives around a course while the other two try to spear colored rings hanging around the course. The team who snags the most rings wins. The Castaways pick up two of eight rings, while Third Wheel grab three. Susan (right), who drove for her team, complains “My boys don’t know how to put a pole in a hole!” I was not looking forward to more of Susan Hawk in this series, but she’s ended up being the best thing about that team.
Apparently, my theory about the Castaways being ringers for the producers has been proven wrong. I still think the show is more fake than real, though, even if that aspect of my theory wasn’t necessarily right.
As we end the episode, The Castaways offer their alliance-mates in Third Wheel their hearse. It’s running well while the GTO hasn’t been, apparently. Again, how the hell should the audience know? Remember the alliance which I said was pointless? Two of its three members are now eliminated. That’s what you get when Jeff or Kaya do your planning as opposed to a true evil bastard like Rich. I’m not saying, I’m just saying.
Now that it’s down to Hip Hop and Pop, Third Wheel, and Phi Beta Krappa, I’m going to seriously hurt someone if my boys in Hip Hop don’t win. I REALLY don’t want to have gone through this crap all week to see the damn Frat Boys get the money.
Just keep telling yourself: It’s almost over…
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Shortly afterward, all four teams stop at the same gas station. Not much happens except for Kaya (left) and Sue of The Castaways getting into a huge screaming match while the other teams watch in amazement. Kaya thinks Sue doesn’t respect him. Well, what’s not to respect about a pretty-boy airhead who keeps appearing on bad reality shows? Sue earns my undying praise by saying something like “OK, fine, I respect you. Just stop being such a p***y.” Tremendous.
The Castaways and Third Wheel have to face off in en Elimination Challenge. One team member drives around a course while the other two try to spear colored rings hanging around the course. The team who snags the most rings wins. The Castaways pick up two of eight rings, while Third Wheel grab three. Susan (right), who drove for her team, complains “My boys don’t know how to put a pole in a hole!” I was not looking forward to more of Susan Hawk in this series, but she’s ended up being the best thing about that team.
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