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Cannonball Run, Episode 5: Hip Hop & Pop on Top
by Mike DeGeorge
-- 07/10/2002
It's finally the last episode of Cannonball Run, and we have a winner! We also have a lot of losers. We hear final words from The Castaways and realize that the rules of this game never did make any sense.
The fifth and (thank GOD) last episode of Cannonball Run 2001 kicks off with reaction to the Castaways’ exit. All three are glad for the experience, even Kaya, which shows what a tool he is. Nothing but abuse for three days and then, “I had fun!” Jeff comments on how much he enjoyed driving across country with “a boy named Sue and a girl named Kaya.” I really hated this team, but they provided some great moments, didn’t they?
Since everybody is now in Vegas (Vegas, bay-be, VE-GAS!) they decide to take a night on the town. Blondie coos about how sexy the Quiet Rapper is, as he (in a different part of the hotel) says how he has one mission tonight…and I think everyone in America can figure out what that is. He doesn’t drink, but he’s gonna kick back a couple and throw out the flava, then get his groove thang on, word.
Blondie and Quiet are all over each other, and The Spineless Wonder in Third Wheel decides to go gamble with the Frat Boys. Good grief, man. Blondie must be able to suck the chrome off a bumper to get this kind of leeway. The two lovebirds hang all over each other while Gramma scolds them. Blondie can’t figure out why Spineless left her alone with Quiet. Gee, I don’t know, maybe seeing the woman he loves with her face buried in someone else’s crotch makes him want to be somewhere else? Of course, Blondie makes sure everyone hears that Spineless should have come along, so she can blame him if/when she ends up spending the night with Quiet.
We never do find out if Blondie and Quiet got it on, but Spineless is sure nothing happened. Just keep your head buried in the sand, that’s a good whipped little boy. As we cut to commercial, we get Blondie telling us that they’re just flirting, but she guesses we’ll find out when they get back to the hotel just how much flirting was going on. There’s slutty whores, and then there’s Blondie, who puts the Times Square hookers to shame. I don’t think I’ve ever seen a more contemptible bitch than this female. And we thought Mandy on Temptation Island was a whore? Put this chick on next year’s TI and she’ll do all the men on the island, the cameramen, and the hosts before week 1 is over.
The final (thank GOD) day of racing begins with another challenge on the rooftop lounge of the hotel. This time, the contestants have to de-scramble the digits their license plate. Third Wheel gets it on the third try and run down to the parking lot to their car. Along the way, Spineless tries to set up a rope blockade to slow down the others. Phi Beta Krappa finish the challenge a few seconds later, and drag Gramma along to the parking lot, blowing past Third Wheel’s blockade. Good job there, buddy.
As they leave the parking lot, Third Wheel once again proves the folly of having women navigators, as they miss the on-ramp to the freeway, not once but TWICE. By this time, Phi Beta Krappa are already on the highway ahead of them.
Meanwhile, my boys in Hip Hop and Pop are having a bit of trouble with their plate. After 15 tries they finally get it, and saunter down to the parking lot, thinking they’ve already lost. Then they realize that the combined brainpower in the other two cars is barely enough to light a flashlight, let alone figure out L.A. traffic, so they come up with a plan. Both of the other cars have women, while they do not. This presents an obvious advantage since they won’t have to stop for bathroom breaks. It sounds sexist, but all of you out there KNOW it’s true
They all stop at the same gas station with about 200 miles left. See, I realize that the show might not be “fake” but it’s things like this that make me think that a number of aspects of it are staged. And the problem is, if they would have said “this gas station is a checkpoint, they have to stop here” I wouldn’t be nearly as picky about it.
Anyway, back on the road, the Five Boobs trade the lead with Phi Beta Krappa. Up ahead, the teams must decide to take highway 60 or I-10 into Los Angeles, and the frat boys want to see which way the Five Boobs would go. Phi Beta Krappa talks about how stupid the others are, how they’re just going to follow them, then slow down to see where the others are going. They’re so totally clueless.
Meanwhile, Hip Hop are about seven minutes back, but the Loud Rapper lives in L.A., so they should have an advantage. More than Jeff’s advantage from living in New York and getting hopelessly lost, I would hope. Either way, they decide to stay on I-10, hoping to use the carpool lane to make up some time.
As they exit the highway and head toward Venice Beach on the city streets, we see a map highlighting that they’re all about five miles away, but coming from different directions. Hmm, showing the audience a map. Other than the stupid graphic showing the end-of-day stops, you don’t think showing the audience a map would have been a great idea before now? Argh. I’ve seen more professional video production in high school.
Hip Hop’s knowledge of the city streets allows them to reach Venice first, followed closely by Five Boobs. Phi Beta Krappa are stuck in traffic, and the little whiny bitch driving (I’m not about to start trying to tell them apart now) starts yelling at the little whiny bitch navigating, while they both yell at Gramma who is trying to calm them down. Classy. When they finally arrive at Venice, they are a good ten minutes behind, and can’t figure out how they lost the lead. Maybe it was from sitting in traffic? Nah, that couldn’t be it.
But it’s not over yet. Krista meets them at the parking lot and explains the rest of the race. Gee, wasn’t she on the roof of the Vegas hotel when Hip Hop left? She moves quickly. Anyway, one team member must drive a Pedi-Cab (see photo at right) with the other two riding behind, down the Venice Beach boardwalk for about a quarter mile. Then, they must run across the beach to a flag, find their colored stake, and run across the finish line each holding their stake.
Hip Hop (with Quiet driving) has a slight lead over Five Boobs (with Spineless driving – well, he should have all that pent up sexual energy, so they should have an advantage). Indeed, Five Boobs nearly catches Hip Hop, who are able to swerve to keep from being passed. Both teams reach the end of the boardwalk at about the same time, and as all six run to the flag, Quiet and Spineless both collapse, their legs giving out on them. Quiet, however, has enough testicular fortitude (or, as they say on the street, “balls”) to make it to his feet and stumble to the flag. Spineless, of course, is lacking in that department and lays there until Blondie returns and all but drags him across the beach.
As Hip Hop find their stake, Blondie tells the camera (afterwards) that she was disappointed in Spineless, that he should have been able to suck it up. After all, her new boyfriend Quiet got up (okay, so she didn’t call him that), why couldn’t he? What an incredible freakin’ bitch.
Meanwhile, Phi Beta Krappa finally makes it to the beach as Gramma complains about having to run across the sand. Geez, was she absolutely worthless or what?
Finally, with Quiet getting a little help from Pops, Hip Hop with Pop reach the finish line first. Third Wheel finish just 46 seconds behind, and Phi Beta Krappa bring up the rear like the asses they are.
Congratulations to Hip Hop with Pop, HemDee Kiwanuka (Quiet), David Vargas (Loud), and Carlton Denning (Pops), not only for winning, but for being one of the few bright spots in an otherwise dreary show. They win $75,000 (not $100,000 as we were told in the first episode) and they get to keep their dignity, since at least they got some money out of this.
In summary:
OK, the show may not have been fixed, I was probably wrong about that one. But I still feel, as I mentioned above, that quite a few aspects of the show were staged. Too many suspicious circumstances, particularly in Episode 2, make me think the producers aren’t being 100% honest with us.
So why did I hate the show so much? First and foremost, almost all of the contestants were completely devoid of likeable qualities. Hip Hop and Pop, and to a lesser extent Hog Wild, are the only two teams I didn’t wish would take a wrong turn into Deliverance country.
Also, they didn’t take the time to explain anything to the viewers, mostly because a lot of their rules made no sense. Why in God’s name would they start even every show? What point is does it make to finish first every day, as Hip Hop did, just to have that victory mean nothing when you start up again? Granted, this only happened every other night, but had Hip Hop NOT won, it would have seemed incredibly unfair since they were first most nights.
As I mentioned in the first episode, the producers’ attempts to create conflict failed miserably. The two teams whose members conflicted (Phi Beta Krappa and Five Boobs) probably would have fought between the two members just because they were scumbags. Pops got along well with Hip Hop, the Chick got along with the Hicks. The Castaways fought, but Kaya was a complete tool and deserved to be yelled at. My point is, The Castaways probably should have gotten along better than any of them, since they weren’t paired together specifically to create conflict.
All’s well that ends well, as the best team did end up winning, and the series is over, so all is once again right with the world. If you missed any of the shows, USA Network is running a Cannonball Marathon, all five shows starting Sunday, August 12, starting at 1PM Eastern.
Finally, Cannonball Run fans, keep an eye on this site, as I hope to have a couple of special Cannonball-related articles up in the next couple weeks. This might be pretty cool, so check it out. While you’re here, check out the other articles on this fine site. You’ll be glad you did.
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But it’s not over yet. Krista meets them at the parking lot and explains the rest of the race. Gee, wasn’t she on the roof of the Vegas hotel when Hip Hop left? She moves quickly. Anyway, one team member must drive a Pedi-Cab (see photo at right) with the other two riding behind, down the Venice Beach boardwalk for about a quarter mile. Then, they must run across the beach to a flag, find their colored stake, and run across the finish line each holding their stake. 
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