Surviving the South Pacific, Episode 1: White & Nerdy

Ozzy and Coach pull out eggs containing colored paint to designate their tribes. Ozzy is on Savaii while Coach gets Upolu. Cochran is thrilled! Rick is less than thrilled to have Coach on his tribe, though. He’s never seen a dragonslayer and there aren’t any dragons – he even notes Coach is in his 40s, hinting he needs to grow up.

Coach already doesn’t feel a good vibe from his tribe. Christine had called him “temporary” and is shooting daggers out of her eyes. He needs twice as much charm as usual. But Ozzy is welcomed in an embrace and feels warmly-received.

Probst explains that Redemption Island is in play again and goes over a summary of how it works. But for now, Probst has a surprise – the first challenge is just Ozzy vs. Coach. Coach is dead – and I haven’t even seen what the challenge is yet! They have to climb to the top of a 12-foot-pole (so far, Ozzy will kick his ass – he climbed trees all the time on previous seasons!) and retrieve a wooden turtle (yes, you read that right). Then they have to crawl through sand under a log and transfer a pyramid puzzle across a series of tables by moving only one piece at a time and always putting smaller pieces on top of larger ones. First person to do it and put the turtle on top wins reward – taro root and flint to begin the game.

And they’re off! As I figured, Ozzy grabs the turtle first, but Coach isn’t too far behind. Both are digging in the sand, but Ozzy gets through first while Coach is getting a bit stuck. He’s through a few seconds later. Both are working on the puzzle. Ozzy gets in trouble for moving more than one piece at a time. Coach gets in trouble for putting a bigger piece on top of a smaller one. Ozzy looks a bit flustered and asks his tribe for help. Jim obliges and starts calling out directions. Coach looks to his tribe for similar help and has several people telling him what to do.

Ozzy seems to be in the lead, as he has the base of his pyramid on the finish table. But Upolu seems to just be confusing Coach’s positioning. Ozzy is on a roll and definitely heading towards a win. Coach is nowhere near finishing when Ozzy gets it done. High fives all around Savaii! Ozzy says he couldn’t have done it without his tribemates.

Probst sends both tribes to their respective camps. Savaii leaves as a happy group. Most of Upolu just leaves while Coach still needs to pick up his stuff. But Edna stays behind and offers help, something Coach definitely notices.

Savaii arrives at camp, all cheering and smiles. Ozzy tells us it’s nice to know what’s ahead. A new tribe looking at him wants him to tell them what to do. But he’s trying to be strategic this time.

The tribe takes turns introducing themselves. At Mark’s urging, Semhar gives us some spoken word artistry. I hope it’s the last time we hear it (but I doubt that very much). She tells us she had to step up because she was challenged, and it shows people they can trust her. Um. What? It just shows me that she can recite poetry.

But what do I know? Ozzy says he likes Semhar, she’s beautiful, and he respects her passion. He’d like to have somebody like her alongside him for the long haul. I’m thinking that whole strategy thing he was talking about just went out the window ‘cus he found a pretty girl.

Ozzy tells them this is the best tribe ever and they shouldn’t work too hard. They already have an advantage, so they can relax a bit – time to go swimming! Cochran isn’t thrilled with stripping down to his skivvies to hit the water, but he’s encouraged by Whitney. Hey, Cochran, I have some advice: When a pretty young country singer tells you to strip – do it! But Cochran says somebody like Keith has nothing to be ashamed of while he has “translucent skin” and he’ll “look like more of a pathetic twerp” than he does with his clothes on. Ha! Can I tell you how much I want Cochran to stick around for a long, long time?

As he continues to talk about it, I’m surprised the producers didn’t buy the rights to use Weird Al Yankovic’s “White and Nerdy” as background music. Indeed, Cochran tells us he looks different from everybody else – the tribe is made up of a “bevy of beautiful bikini babes.” He continues, “If this is the 90210 tribe, I’m definitely one of the zeroes.” But he decides to join the fun and run into the water with everybody else.

Things aren’t nearly as much fun at Upolu. They arrive and Coach knows he has to come face to face with his fear of being voted out first. He does this by telling the others that he doesn’t want them to look at him as a threat because he’s not a strategic player (he’s got that right, at least). He has always been too straight, if anything. He’s sorry he lost the challenge but he’s happy that it felt like a team effort.

Christine asks for introductions so they’ll know who might have experience in building shelters and the like. Rick is a rancher, as we the viewers already know. Albert is a baseball coach (he doesn’t mention the “dating coach” part). Sophie just graduated college in Russian and economics. Coach exchanges a few words with her in Russian, which the producers helpfully (more like amusingly) subtitle for us – in Russian!

After that, it’s time to start building the shelter. They all pitch in, with Rick throwing out amusing comment after amusing comment (such as saying one noise sounds like two squirrels making love). Edna tells us she likes Coach and thinks he’s an asset for now.