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Love Cruise, Episode 1: A.k.a. The Voyage of the Damned
by Stacey Allison
-- 07/10/2002
What do you get when you put 16 singles on a ship, mix ‘em around, have them pair up, and then have them vote each other off, one-by-one? You get Love Cruise on Fox! The “Maiden Voyage” set sail on Tuesday, and the action (and crying) started immediately.
Well, the maiden voyage of the new reality TV show Love Cruise has set sail from Grenada with its 16 hopeful singles on board. Let the games begin!
We meet some of the contestants and are given a rundown on the rules of the game. Contestants pair up for 48-hour cycles, after which one man and one woman will be voted off by the members of the opposite sex. They are banished to “Loser Island,” which appears to be populated by goats. Because we all know what pathetic losers goats are, don’t we? Sure we do.
The point of the game is to make the ultimate love match, and be the last couple standing. The lucky couple will win $200,000 (to be split, presumably) and a “glamourous” cruise around the world.
We only really meet 11 of the 16 contestants in this episode, here’s a quick rundown (I won’t go into everyone’s appearance, suffice it to say they are all good-looking people):
Lisa -- 34, management consultant. Shy, successful, and insecure.
Toni -- 27, personal trainer. Pushy, fake breasts (only mentioned because it becomes an issue), says she’s a “little dramatic and a little crazy.”
Darin -- 24, construction engineer. Seems nice enough.
Laura -- 21, photographer. Doesn’t like being alone, “needs a lot of attention.”
Michael -- 30, attorney. Formerly overweight and fairly insecure, yet with a sense of humor about it.
Gina -- 28, actress/model. Says she’s traditional, wants to fall in love. Seems very needy, high maintenance.
Anthony -- 27, aspiring screenwriter. Wants a smart girl, but one who looks like “Barbie.” Enough said.
Ralph -- 32, bond trader. Claims to be the “coolest guy” on the boat. Obviously, this is extremely doubtful.
Adrian -- 33, artist. Is later accused by the women of being “cocky.”
Tomiko -- 23, web designer. Sweet enough, perhaps a bit cocky herself. Says she’s not used to picking the guys, it’s usually the other way around.
Tony -- 27, carpenter. Seems quiet, not really enough info yet.
Bob -- went back and searched the tape, yet Bob doesn’t appear to have been given his 2-second on-screen bio. We know he’s recently left his job, and strongly resembles Kenny G, which is all you really need to know about Bob.
The rest of the contestants – Andrea, Jeanette, Melissa, and Greg – hover around the background of this episode, but will undoubtedly take center stage in the future.
Justin, the cruise director of the Mandalay sail boat, gets things started with the first activity. “Flash Dating” gives each contestant 6 minutes to meet with each other contestant, with everyone doing the circuit so no one is left out. All the contestants also wear a tank top with their name on the front. Classier (and sexier) than name tags, I suppose.
After everyone has their 6-minute chat (during which time we learn riveting revelations such as that Ralph would like to suck on Tomiko’s toes), it’s time for the women to pick whom they would like to pair up with for the first 48-hour cycle of the game. During this time, the pair will share a cabin. Once the women have chosen, the men have to accept, or refuse.
Michael and Adrian both end up not being chosen, with some guys having more than one woman after them (Anthony inexplicably has 4 women to pick from). Darin has to eventually choose between Toni the big-breasted blonde, and Gina, the also blonde, alleged model. He chooses Toni, which doesn’t go down well with Gina. Gina has enough issues to start selling subscriptions door-to-door.
Gina ends up with Bob, the Kenny G clone. Their cabin is next to Toni and Darin’s, and Gina screeches something about a lot of sugar (?) before slamming the door in Toni and Darin’s faces. This does not go down well with Toni, who says in an interview that she and Gina had a (air quotes with her fingers) “discrepancy,” which is a strange and awkward way to put it. Technically, “discrepancy” does mean “disagreement,” but it’s generally not used in this context. But I digress.
Toni feels Gina has judged her as a “bimbo” because of her fake breasts, and that it’s quite narrow-minded and unfair. Which is true. Gina says that she wishes her initial pick Anthony and his eventual choice, Laura, “the best.” Which is not true.
Morning of Day 2. Lisa tells us that as a girl she was very unattractive and that boys used to actually bark at her. Lisa will be joining Gina in unloading her abundance of issues. But Lisa is far more likeable, even when she starts crying in front of poor Tony, who looks as if he would rather be, oh, anywhere else on Earth. Lisa is overanalyzing everything, and is taking her difficulty in finding a partner for the first round to heart (she ended up with Michael, with whom she is actually quite well-matched).
We are told that cliques are forming with the girls, but it’s early yet. We are also informed that today’s theme is “First Impressions” and that every other night they will play “The Hot Seat.” Everyone writes down a question for one man and one woman, and those with the most questions directed towards them have to answer.
If it’s felt they are answering disingenuously, the other players will raise their “BS” paddles (like a ping pong paddle with the letters “BS” on it), which stands for “balls of shame.” (Could I make that up?) Then, a ball is chosen from a box, and a number on it corresponds to a particular dare the player will have to fulfill.
Ralph is asked with whom he’d like to sleep with the most on the boat, and he answers Justin, the cruise director. Kidding. He answers Lisa, which shocks the hell out of her. She looks close to tears again, in a Sally-Field-Oscar-speech kinda way. Yes, Lisa, they really like you.
Anthony is asked whether he’s ever “blatantly lied to a woman for sex” (as opposed to subtly and quietly lying, I suppose). He says yes, back in the day, but everyone’s BS-detectors smell a rat. Anthony’s dare is to kiss someone like he really means it. He easily pulls current partner Laura up to the front and plants one on her. (See picture, above.)
Darin is up next, and says he chose Toni because he went with his gut. Good answer, as agreed by all. Toni is then brought up to be asked about her boob job and how she feels about being a sex object. Toni says she doesn’t mind and that she got them to feel better about herself, she was sick of being “flat.” Fair enough. They look fake as all hell, but if Toni likes them, it’s her prerogative. in an interview, she begins crying the tears of a dysfunctional, lonely childhood.
Onto Anthony, who feels Bob has attempted to “ostracize” him. I think Anthony is perfectly capable of that himself, but we’ll get to that later. Anthony has quite a few large tattoos, and explains to Bob something about them being a work in progress, and also something to do with the 23rd psalm. Bob offers the opinion that that particular bible passage is a bit cliché.
True, but a tad rude to say to someone who is permanently adding some aspect of it (it remains unclear exactly what) to his body. Bob needs to seek out some self-help books on interacting with others.
Day turns to night, and everyone gathers on the deck, apparently to listen to Anthony make a complete ass of himself. He stands by the railing, waxing poetic (no, really, it rhymes and everything) about...who can say? Something utterly pretentious, at any rate. Laura giggles, and gazes lovingly at him. Bob and Michael (and hopefully everyone else in attendance) attempt to keep their lunches down.
Next up is a Toni/Lisa love-in. Toni is quite sweet and very nice to Lisa, trying to pump up her self-esteem. Lisa cries. (No, really!) Lisa says in an interview that first impressions can be mistaken.
At dinner (the time lines are jumping around, it would seem), Gina is seasick (having also been sick the day before). She is up on deck eating bread, while everyone else bonds downstairs. Partner Bob keeps her company, which is nice. But we all remember what happened to Ramona of Survivor 1, don’t we?
Anthony and Laura are thus far the most “couply” of anyone on the ship. We’ll see about that.
Morning of Day 3, and time for each “Gender Jury” to go to work. The voting-off process is all out in the open, and there are no secret ballots. As the girls convene, Toni and Gina bring up a few of their issues. Which don’t really have anything to do with voting a guy off the boat, so whatever. There are a few votes for Adrian (described as “cocky” and “arrogant”) and a few for Bob.
The men seem unanimous in the decision to oust Gina because, as expected, her illness and separation from the group means they know her the least. Bob is completely on board for voting her off, while Gina is trying to save his ass with the women, because she feels bad for dragging him down with her.
The “Elimination Ceremony.” Unsurprisingly, Gina and Bob are voted off. They each give little speeches that don’t say a whole lot. Toni and Gina tearfully make-up before Gina’s departure, with lots of hugging.
So, Bob and Gina set off for Aruba (nary a goat to be seen this time), where they wait until the contest is over. However, we are informed that at one point, someone who has been voted off may get a chance to return to the ship. Hmm? I assume that will be fully explained at a later date. At any rate, Bob and Gina will be on the final jury to select the winners, and they get to kick back in Aruba until then. It could be worse.
Next time: Some kissing, a few tears, and Anthony in dire need of a life.
Stacey Allison is an advertising copywriter living in Toronto.
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