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Love Cruise, Episode 2: Trouble in Paradise
by Stacey Allison
-- 07/10/2002
In this second episode, the guys get to choose who they will pair up with. Well, at least they choose a cabin-mate – it seems that at least one of the women has a mind of her own when it comes to picking who to spend time with. And we are introduced to the Switch Card, a form of immunity.
What does it mean to have it all? This is the solemn question posed at the beginning of this second episode of Love Cruise. The narrator blathers on about love and money, having both of which apparently is the key to happiness. (Personally, if having it all has to be obtained by cavorting in front of 24-hour surveillance with a bunch of wannabe celebrities, being poor and alone never looked quite so good.)
Breakfast of Day 3, following the banishment of Gina and Bob. Chit chat about the game, strategies, etc. Re-coupling will also occur later in the day. This time, the guys will choose which girl they’d like to spend the next 48 hours with. Anthony expresses his interest in staying with Laura for the next segment. Laura seems to have gotten to know Anthony a bit more, and is understandably disturbed by this idea.
Cut to a goat shot, so we must be taking a trip to Loser Island. Gina and Bob seem bored. Don’t they get books on Loser Island? TV? At least go lie on the beach, you whiners.
On to the “Re-Coupling Ceremony.” Lisa is valiantly holding back tears, clearly afraid she won’t get picked in the first round. Sure enough, she doesn’t. Anthony picks Laura, and she grins and bears it. Tomiko and Adrian are also re-coupled, while everyone else pairs up with someone new.
Later, Anthony is telling two of the guys that he’s amazed to have found Laura, since his standard is “soooo high.” Oh right, he wants a brilliant girl who looks like Barbie. Unfortunately for Anthony, I don’t remember Ken being a pretentious, egotistical loser.
Laura, meanwhile, is telling Toni that she’s not sure if she’s ready to settle down with Anthony. She knows he’s looking for something serious, and she’s a bit overwhelmed. Sadly, Anthony appears to have chosen her to be the lucky lady. Lifeboats are on your left, Laura.
Anthony is indeed quite anxious to nail down a commitment of some kind from Laura. In their cabin, she tells him that she doesn’t know what will happen, and that he should just relax and have fun. She’s being very nice about it (considering he’s pulling this crap on her after they’ve known each other for barely 3 days). Anthony thinks she should “project that someplace else.” If he keeps this kind of psycho babble up, Laura’s going to be projecting something else in his direction.
She once again nicely expresses his need to chill out, and Anthony curses and calls her passive-aggressive. He says he only “wanted to know if [she was] being real.” The word “real” is punctuated by a fist to the chest. Yo, homie? Mike Boogie from Big Brother 2 called, he wants his Vanilla Ice shtick back, he’s not quite done with it yet. Anthony then goes on to say he doesn’t want a girlfriend, and has no room in his life for one. Uh huh.
Anthony says later that he’s learning the same lesson here that he has in real life, that “love doesn’t exist.” Anthony is the biggest drama queen on this boat, and given his company, that’s really saying something.
Time for a black-tie, gourmet dinner. Toni gives a toast about how blessed they are to be on the boat, yadda, yadda, yadda. Everyone seems to be having a good time, getting pictures taken, drinking champagne, etc.
Tony reveals that he’s only had sex with one girl, 5 years ago. Tony is 27-years-old, and quite good looking. He says he’s old fashioned, and that he really has to care about someone. Hold on, could Laura be that girl?
Time for the Hot Seat, same rules as last time. Laura’s up first, and is asked why she’s letting Anthony hold her back. After the deck stubbornly refuses to open up and swallow her, Laura puts on a brave face and deftly squirms out of it, saying that he isn’t holding her back at all, and that she still loves to mingle. Anthony seems happy with her answer.
Then Laura gets another question. Having been with a lot of sexual partners, how does she feel about Tony only having had one? She feels fine about it, and says lots of nice things about Tony.
Tony (at this point in the evening clad only in his black tuxedo pants, cuffs and bow tie) is up next. Justin, the saucy cruise director/host, slips a dollar bill in Justin’s tie. (Hmm, I think this game would be a lot more fun if Justin could start hitting on the contestants, just to shake things up a bit. Maybe on Love Cruise 2? Fingers crossed.)
Tony’s question is about his sexual history, which he isn’t eager to discuss, so he instead demands a dare. He has to pick a girl to give a lap dance to, and surprisingly picks Andrea, the 30-year-old account executive whom we really didn’t meet in the first episode. Tony apparently doesn’t quite grasp the concept of a lap dance, and he gyrates a bit before he happily twirls a giggling Andrea around.
Later that night, Anthony is a big old party pooper (!), not wanting to socialize with the other contestants who are still up. Laura is upset by this, and eventually creeps out while Anthony is sleeping. She joins Ralph and Tony and a few others for some late-night diving off the boat.
Day 4, Margarita Island. Time for a challenge, the prize being a “Switch Card,” which gives its holder power in the next vote. The holder of the card can save themselves (or someone else) by choosing another contestant to be banished.
So, it’s time for a salsa contest! That’s the Forbidden Dance. (Okay, not really, but no one’s doing the lambada anymore, so I figure the name’s up for grabs.) The contestants spend the afternoon learning from two instructors, one of whom is wearing turquoise, spandex bike shorts. Sadly he’s the male instructor. It’s quite a sight. I’ll let you know when my eyes have been fully irrigated and are back to normal.
Off to Margarita Island for the evening. Tony tells us that he’s starting to like Laura, then rubs his eyes suspiciously (fallout from the bicycle shorts incident?) and hurries away. Tony is a tad emotional, methinks.
The rules of the salsa contest are that the couples dance for half an hour, and the audience puts money in the jar of their favorite. Everyone dances up a storm, except Michael and Jeannette, who forfeit because Michael refuses to even try to dance. Jeannette (I don’t think we’ve been given her bio yet) strangely seems okay with this.
All the dancing couples are sweating copiously, and the men start shedding their shirts. Tony and Laura are with different partners, but the editors certainly are rooting for them to get together. Adrian and Tomiko win, and after they both open their envelopes, it’s revealed Adrian has won the coveted Switch Card. Tomiko’s fine with that, and in an interview Adrian says he won’t let her get voted off.
At the after party, the writing’s on the wall concerning Tony and Laura. They leave a bit early, and go back to a cabin so Tony can give a topless Laura a “back massage.” The word “back” is apparently synonymous with “butt.”
Back in his lonely cabin, bitter Anthony (accessorized in a red bandanna and sunglasses) turns to the camera to give Laura a message. “If Laura sees this when you [sic] get back home, I’d like to do to you what I’m about ready to do to this camera.” He then holds up a remote control and clicks. (The editors kindly add in the effect of the camera turning off like a TV.) Somewhere, the sound of Laura laughing her ass off can be heard.
The next day, Anthony tells some others that Laura is “the most confrontational person I’ve ever met in my life.” Wait, I thought she was passive-aggressive? Which one is it?
He says the first few days he thought she was great, but as time went by and seasons changed, he saw her true, slutty colors. Isn’t it breakfast of Day 5? Ah, those halcyon days. Yeah, those were good times, Anthony, good times. Lisa and Jeannette somehow manage not to laugh in his face.
Now, it’s Gender Jury time again. The two groups discuss their choices, with Anthony lobbying hard for Laura’s dismissal. Anthony swears he “won’t be played again!” Anthony needs to look into getting a grip, ASAP. The women are stuck between Adrian and Anthony.
In the Elimination Ceremony, a few people look about ready to cry. Anthony’s bitter ranting has worked, and Laura is voted off. The women say that they chose Adrian, since he has the Switch Card, thus putting the decision in his hands.
Adrian chooses this opportunity to let us all know what a misogynist ass he is. While busy digging his own grave, Adrian oh-so-eloquently states: “We have this woman thing where they want everything. They want to be independent, they want to do what they want to do, yet when it comes down to it, um, they can’t make their own decisions for themselves, and they put it back on the man.”
A couple of the men look stunned, and the women are taking lots of deep breaths and trying not to actually bite their tongues in half. Jeannette cracks and calls for a time-out, but Adrian “zzzzips” her. More than once. No really, he does. Adrian’s “brain” has obviously been affected by the heat.
So, as possessor of the Switch Card, Adrian saves his lousy chauvinist ass. He then picks Tony to go with Laura, since they seem to want to be together. Tony seems fine with it, and in fact appears to get a bit teary (again!). Tony is evidently too delicate for this boat, he’s better off tending to the goats on Loser Island and getting to know Laura’s butt a bit better.
Next time: Adrian is upset at being called a male chauvinist pig (wow, where did anyone get that idea?), and Toni’s in tears over Greg and his true feelings.
Stacey Allison is an advertising copywriter living in Toronto.
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