The Biggest Loser 13, Episode 11: The Snoozer of No Excuses

Previously on The Biggest Loser, everything resembling hope for this season ended. The teams switched trainers because… uh… and spent the week getting yelled at by the trainer for the other team. The Black team seemed to have trouble with Dolvett, while the Red team connected with Bob. This did not show on the scales as both teams did horribly, but the Red team did slightly less bad and was safe. Due to stupid twists, the Red team was allowed to choose who to vote off. Thanks to Conda having a secret alliance with Buddy and Mark, she was safe while hardworking Cassandra was sent home, leaving me feeling defenestrated. On with the show.

This week’s excuse is “I don’t believe in myself.” You shouldn’t if you’re on this season.

We open with the nine still in the elimination room. Alison tells them how they arrived in pairs and have grown over ten weeks with their teammates. She mentions the week’s excuse and says their teammates helped them overcome that excuse. Since when? Alison then announces the big news, they’re going to singles.

Kim is so happy because everyone else’s alliances don’t matter. Alison tells them that there is now a yellow line. Jeremy is excited, it’s a competition now, you can’t vote for him if you’re below the yellow line. Alison lets them leave and we see them enter the kitchen where all their colored shirts are.

Emily talks about how Cassandra has gone home and now she doesn’t feel comfortable. Even with Kim, that’s one other vote. Kim echoes this thought and says her final words to Cassandra didn’t sit well with the others. Frankly, nothing short of the praises of Conda would sit well with these people. She doesn’t trust anyone but Emily.

Back in the kitchen, we see the idiots around the table. Megan says once they get down “to the seven,” then there won’t be any drama. Statements like this bug the hell out of me, because it is towering arrogance to blame all of the problems in a group on one or two people, without taking any personal responsibility. The season of no excuses!

Jeremy tells us what we already know, Emily or Kim will go home if they fall below the yellow line. Kim and Emily meanwhile are reassuring each other, they’re still together but they both have to stay above the yellow line. Kim calls the others “fuglings” (?) and Emily says it will be uncomfortable. It already is! Also, is it just me, or has all of this been really boring?

With that we cut to our first challenge. We see what looks like a giant ice rink with a ring in the center and several bungee cords attached to it. Alison welcomes the others in, particularly Chris who somehow doesn’t notice the ice rink. Jeremy is excited for his first singles challenge. Alison explains the rules.

Around the rink are several buzzers with ropes attached to them, one for each of the eight competitors. They’re going to be clipped to the ring by bungee cord and have to pull against the others and push their button. Unlike other challenges, there are nine prizes, not one. Whoever presses the button first picks a prize last, getting to choose whichever prize is left or whatever the others have. If you’ve seen Big Brother, you’ve seen this challenge. Because Buddy had an MRI revealing a stress fracture, he can’t play in the competition and will take ninth place. Jeremy says this is now his challenge to win.

And they’re off! All eight are pulling in opposite directions. Jeremy is trying to use his weight but no one is achieving anything. Jeremy starts to make progress but as he leans down for his rope, he falls on his stomach.

We see people griping about how this challenge sucks as they achieve nothing. Mark says this challenge is the most physically demanding. Emily gets her rope so everyone but Kim pulls against her. Kim does the same thing and everyone jerks so hard that Kim slams her head into the ice. Conda says the challenge is tough and not something you can do on your own. She and Jeremy team up so Jeremy can get his rope. He gets the rope and hits the buzzer. And Jeremy takes first. He says he’ll take it however he can get it, though he admits that Conda being out there alone doesn’t sit right with him.

Round two begins as Megan explains her strategy. Megan is going to hold her ground and go for it when everyone else is taking a break. We see Megan and Mark make grabs for their ropes right away, and both make it. Mark and Megan are pulling the entire ring, but Mark decides to let go and help Megan. The rest of the ring give up and give it to Megan.

Kim falls on her ass and that’s when it hits her. Everyone in the ring, except for Emily and Kim, were helping Megan. This ticks her off. Alison asks Mark how it feels and shockingly, it feels good. Mark wants someone to help Mark out.

Round three starts and right away Chris helps Mark get to his rope. Mark hits his buzzer and Kim immediately asks why they let him win. Chris tells us there are still social alliances in this house and you need to be nice to people to win. Uh no, that’s Survivor.

Finally round six. Emily wants to pull everyone bloody on the ground. Kim and Emily pretty much ignore Kimmy and run for Kim’s buzzer. Emily hopes she can get her buzzer in the final round. Kimmy is anticipating Emily will cream her. They both take off while the dramatic music plays. Emily says her body is just fighting and Kimmy thinks that if she loses she won’t be setting a good example. Maybe she should (gasp) fight for it.

Kimmy pushes and grabs her rope. Everyone is cheering Kimmy except Kim; no one else is cheering Emily. What jerks. With that fraud of a challenge over, it’s time for them to show who gets what.

Buddy goes first and gets a Biggest Loser hat. He jokingly thinks everyone will take it from him. Emily goes next and gets a phone for a day. She knows someone will take it from her. Kimmy goes and “wins” an autographed photo of Alison, which she chooses to keep. Why?

Kim goes and wins a box of chocolates. She says she would love to call her family, but knows Emily needs to talk to her kids. She keeps the chocolates. Chris goes fifth and wins a one pound advantage. She says she doesn’t think she’ll be holding it for long, but she’ll keep it anyway. Conda goes and wins $1. She switches with Chris. Oh so dramatic. No wait, so expected and boring.

Mark goes sixth and wins an extra vote at elimination. It only counts if he stays above the yellow line, though. Mark wants to trade it but says it’s too much power. He keeps it. Megan wins a goldfish. Interesting. She says she loves her fish, but she trades Conda.

Jeremy is last and wins a shopping trip with a celebrity and a friend. Jeremy mulls it over and, because he’s a complete dope, he gives the trip to Conda. Because one thing Conda really deserves for her behavior is a shopping trip.