Surviving One World, Episode 6: The Gamechangers

Greetings, readers. Your regular recapper David Bloomberg is off on Exile Island this week (okay, not really), so your friendly neighborhood Missing Intelligence Award columnist is stepping in for what looks to be a critical episode, given the hints from the previews that someone gets terribly injured. Let’s find out who it is!

Previously on Survivor, the tribes swapped members and gender lines faded as the teams moved to different beaches … but some things never change, because Colton continued to be a Machiavellian meanie and organized his Coltonettes to vote out Monica. You know, Monica? Who was the only person to score for Manono in the last immunity challenge? Yeah … I don’t get it either. Salani, meanwhile, became a team of Greek gods. Not literally. Though that would make for an awesome season.

As Manono arrives back at camp in the dead at night, Alicia proclaims the just-concluded Tribal Council to be the funniest one she’s attended. Oh, she should have been to the one where Bill got voted off! That one was way wackier. Alicia tells us that things couldn’t have gone any better, and that she originally had an alliance with the girls but decided that wouldn’t stick post-merge, so she turned to the guys’ side instead.

Christina doesn’t seem so happy about things, saying she didn’t expect Monica to be voted out. Colton cattily responds, “That’s called a blindside.” As Colton rests his head on Alicia’s shoulder, he also informs Christina that no one is going to go off with her alone, and so, “Good luck. You might could make an alliance with a hermit crab at this point.” Oh, that Colton. Ever the strong, sensitive type.

Colton tells us that nothing can save Christina at this point. She doesn’t have an idol, yet she has five people gunning for her. “The more defeated she is, the easier she’ll be to get rid of,” says Colton, who proclaims that he’ll run this game all the way to the final three. You know, unless he’s the one who gets injured and has to leave … and I have my suspicions that this might be the case, given the way the medical emergency has been hyped.

Colton goes on to call Christina a cockroach – to her face – because she’s survived this long, and tells her that if by some miracle she does make it to the merge, she’ll be the first one to go. So Christina is a cockroach in an alliance with a hermit crab. Got it. “It’s already done,” says Colton in the snottiest possible way. Christina wonders aloud if she really is an idiot (no, you aren’t), and then has to deal with crap from Alicia, who won’t even scoot over to make room for Christina to sleep because who cares? Christina is going home anyway. Good grief, these people are jerks.

Christina tells Alicia that it’s very hard working with her, and Christina has been trying hard to do so, but Alicia is a very difficult person to work with. As Christina crawls in to try to make room to sleep, Alicia warns her, “If you ever put your hands on my body, I’m gonna whack the (bleep) out of you. Don’t ever touch me.” Hey, Alicia: In case we ever meet, the same goes for me. Don’t ever touch me. “Do it, whack me,” responds Christina, obviously fed up with the nonsense. She tells us that Alicia is not a good person, lacks integrity, and that Colton’s a jerk. Um … is she just now figuring this out? However, Christina says the gloves are off and she’s ready to fight. Good for her!

It’s Day 15 at Salani – a.k.a. Beach of the Gods – and our challenge deities remark on how rough the previous night was. If they think they had it rough, they should try being Christina! Kat remarks that she died last night. Umm … Wait. She explains that Alicia killed her in a dream. At the mall. So it’s half nightmare, half Robin Sparkles video. Nice. Kat wonders if it was a sign, and proclaims the dream death to be “very scary.” If Alicia does kill her in real life, that will make for excellent TV.

Tree mail! “If you were still a kid, you’d play this in your backyard, and if you’re starving for something sweet, I bet you would play real hard.” Why the person who writes these tree mailings has never been named poet laureate, I’ll never know. The Salanians wonder if the challenge will be a variation on tag, hopscotch, or dodgeball, and get all googly-eyed about the prospect of a sweet reward. Troy calls the other tribe a “goofy, goonie clan,” and predicts that Salani will romp. We shall see.

Our first challenge entrance of the season where the elimination is a surprise to the other tribe! Salani arrives first, and is predictably shocked to see that Monica is gone from Manono. Sabrina says that just goes to show that the ladies are in trouble on the other tribe, and will be in the minority by the merge.

Host Jeff Probst explains the rules of the challenge: One at a time, the castaways will race to the top of a stack of crates. Then they’ll bounce coconuts off a trampoline attempting to hit a target. [Editor’s Note: Er… does anybody have a game like this in their backyard?] First tribe to knock out all five of their targets wins the reward … ice cream! The winning tribe will be taken to a Survivor-style ice cream parlor, with plenty of flavors to choose from. Leif does a happy dance. The girls are all about to go nuts. Colton begs his Coltonettes to win this one. Salani sits out Sabrina, and here we go!

Jay and Colton go first to their respective platforms. Neither hits a target. Probst blames the learning curve. Kat … breaks her coconut on the side of the trampoline. Oh Kat. It’s a good thing you’re pretty. Alicia “throws it like a little kid,” as Probst puts it. Still no score.

Troy and Christina get closer, but still no contact. Chelsea and Jonas can’t do it either. Kim … hits! Salani is on the board. Tarzan struggles just to get on the crates. He does connect though! We’re tied 1-1. Leif connects! Manono is up 2-1. Colton’s next try bounces back at himself. Hee hee. Kat misses. Alicia misses. “My nephew could throw it further than that!” yells Probst. Ha! It sure sounds like he doesn’t like Alicia any more than the rest of us do!

Chelsea scores! It’s a 2-2 tie. Christina misses and then doesn’t run back fast enough, so Colton yells at her and calls her a “stupid idiot.” Well, at least he didn’t say “poor.” Kim misses. Jonas misses. Jay … connects! 3-2 Salani. Tarzan scores again! We’re tied again at 3 apiece. Leif is off by an inch. Kat scores for Salani. 4-3. Colton misses. Chelsea misses. Probst gives Alicia a pep talk on her next try … and it’s still pathetic. And Probst uses that word too, “pathetic.” Hee hee.

Kim’s off the mark. Jonas is short. The intensity is building. The score stays on 4-3 a bit longer … until Troy connects! Salani wins! To the Greek gods go the spoils… and the ice cream.