Surviving One World, Episode 6: The Gamechangers

Colton bitches to us about how Christina was “gradually going through the challenge” and that it ticked him off. Oh yeah. It was all Christina’s fault. How many did you hit, dude? Also, your ally Alicia was the one Probst kept mocking, not Christina. Sheesh. As Colton tells us, Christina’s options are to quit, wait to be voted out, or jump in the fire. Wouldn’t that last one technically be quitting also? “I hate her voice, I hate her face, I hate everything about her.” Which is funny, because she looks and sounds nothing like Bill.

Waiting at the ice cream parlor is an old-fashioned scooper guy … and no, it’s not Erik from Micronesia. There are menus of scoops and floats, and now I’m getting hungry. Thanks, Survivor. Jay predicts that his tribe will turn into “gluttons,” though he clearly plans to be one of them. Kim calls the whole thing “surreal.” Mike talks about how Salani is gaining in morale while Manono is dropping, and Sabrina wonders if Ashton Kutcher is going to jump out and announce that she’s being punked. Heh. Sabrina is happy to get away from camp and the monotony of it all and get reenergized. And someone burps. Loudly. Heh. [Editor’s Note: On Twitter, Jay said it was him.]

We cut to Manono with a shot of hermit crabs on the beach. Hey Christina! Quick, go make an alliance! Colton is still stupidly blaming Christina, this time to the Coltonettes. And in front of Christina apparently, as he then starts loudly telling her that she has only two days left in the game. Naturally, Alicia joins in as Mean Girl no. 2. Colton repeats the quitting/jumping in the fire line to Christina directly. If I were her, I’d probably coldcock the guy, so she’s a better person than me for restraining herself.

Christina reminds us that no one likes her and that she’s the “cockroach of Survivor,” but her parents didn’t raise her to be a quitter, so she won’t. Colton pulls away his Coltonettes for an “update.” Jonas tells us that Colton and Alicia are “interesting” – is that the word? – because they “have to get personal” and tell Christina that nobody likes her. “It’s not enough that they have the power to vote them off, they kind of want to get one last twist of the knife in.” At least Jonas sees it, but he’s done nothing to stop it.

Christina makes an appeal to Leif as he works at camp, telling him that Alicia already had an alliance with the girls. Christina wasn’t in that alliance, so her argument is that she’s safer to take to the merge. It’s a good argument, and probably true. But will it work? She reminds Leif (and apparently Jonas too) that it’s a numbers game, and at the merge, it will be Alicia with the four women of Salani.

Jonas tells us that Christina might be telling the truth, and he doesn’t have many details on Alicia’s status with the other women, “which is a huge red flag.” Christina tells the guys that she has nothing to lose, and it’s either her or Alicia … but Little Ms. Attitude is standing right behind Christina as she says this. Then Alicia starts clapping to mock-congratulate Christina on her performance, and tells her, “Game over, girl.” She adds, “You cannot play this game. You suck at it.” Hmm. Well, considering it’s day 15 and Alicia has already killed any chances she has of actually winning due to her poor social game …

Alicia also tells Christina to “be a woman about it” and say what she has to say in front of Alicia instead of whispering it. Umm … she’s talking to people about a possible alliance-shift. Would Alicia … Forget it. I’m not even going to bother trying to untangle this hot mess of hypocrisy.

Christina says, “Facts are facts,” and repeats the “numbers game” line, and Alicia responds by asking what these facts are and accusing Christina of doing nothing but lying. Um … Leif and Jonas look dumbstruck as they’re stuck in the middle of this stupid explosion with Christina and Alicia bickering back and forth, and Alicia continuing to tell Christina that she doesn’t know how to play the game.

Alicia tells us that what Christina is saying is a partial truth, since she does have an alliance with the other women, “which Jonas doesn’t need to know, so yeah, I’m gonna give her a hard time.” Methinks the batpoo crazy lady doth protest too much – and I kinda hope Jonas and Leif realize it as well. “It’s just too much paranoia for me, and I can’t handle that,” continues Alicia. “I need to be in control.” Or in that Hannibal Lecter straightjacket/muzzle combo. Either way.

Despite all of the crap she’s been put through, we next see Christina holding Colton’s head around the campfire at night while he lies his head in her lap. She says he’s claiming that his brain hurts. Kinda like in the Monty Python skit? Others suggest that he needs to drink water, or it might be a tension headache. Colton keeps mumbling something about his brain, but I’d need subtitles to understand him.

Colton tells us in confessional that he woke up from sleeping and it felt like his brain had attached to his skull. I have no idea what that would feel like, but okay. He thought that maybe his brain was swollen, then felt a knife-like pain around his torso area. Shockingly, Christina continues to comfort him, not just through her physical presence but verbal reassurance. This woman really gets the whole “turn the other cheek” idea. No way I could be this nice to Colton after everything he said.

Christina tells us that if someone is sick and needs help, she’s gonna be there for them. Ah, that’s my girl: She also sees this as a strategic advantage, because it might make Colton realize she’s a good person and not the bad one that Alicia has portrayed. Behind every good deed is a selfish motive. I love it. Colton tells us that Christina stepped in to take a “motherly role” and was trying to massage out the pain from Colton’s head. Of course, Colton realizes that Christina is doing this because she’s trying to save herself … but I bet that at this specific time, he doesn’t care a bit.

And now for the comic relief: Jonas sitting on Tarzan’s shoulders in order to knock fruit from a tree. Colton doesn’t look impressed when Jonas returns to camp with the conquered fruit. Tarzan has Colton stick out his tongue and diagnoses Colton’s problem as dehydration. Tarzan then goes on to list all the things that will happen to Colton next, up to and including kidney failure. And he did all this without Dr. Greg House and his team. Impressive.

Tarzan tells us that the problem is potentially early appendicitis, or something totally benign like gas. Colton shares with us (thanks) that his pee is brown. Plus, he’s dizzy, and he doesn’t know if he’s to the point of no return or not. He wanders off in the woods, and after a bit of editing to denote the passage of time, we find him lying shirtless on the ground. He tells us that he can’t hold anything down, is suffering intense pain, and doesn’t know what’s wrong.